A Beautiful Mess
by Livie79
Summary: Tormented by the past, Bella struggles to find her self worth. A musician at heart, her soul lies on the lines of her paper. A would be one night stand turns her world upside down. Can Bella see past her imagined flaws and allow someone to love her? ExB
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

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><p><strong>Chapter One<strong>

I groaned, trying to open my eyes against the harsh light streaming through the window. Where was I? My foggy brain slowly came to life when a leg moved against my own.

No. Not again. Panic flooded my body. I felt sick as I lulled my head to the side and caught a glimpse of the man occupying the other side of the bed. I took in his features, realizing I had no fucking clue who he was. A quick survey of my body let me know, I knew him pretty well last night.

Tears threatened my eyes as heat crept up my face. I slowly slid to the edge of the bed and lowered myself to the floor as quietly as possible. My body ached. My face throbbed like I'd been punched in the nose, and my throat and chest burned like I'd smoked a carton of cigarettes.

I surveyed the pieces of clothing strewn across the room, snatching up the ones I recognized as my own, before slipping them on as quickly as possible.

I had to get the fuck out of here _now_.

A scruffy beard and blonde hair stuck out from under the edge of the blanket causing a sense of dread to settle in my stomach like concrete.

Why did I keep doing this to myself?

I was so fucked up. Heat flooded my face once more as I struggled not to let tears spill down my cheeks in shame. I wanted to curl into myself, shut out the rest of the world and―God I just wanted it to stop. I wanted everything to stop.

I clutched my shoes to my chest and crept out the door, closing it tightly behind me. Almost free. I looked up and down the hallway. The place seemed pretty nice. At least I didn't fuck a loser this time. I made my way towards the brighter end of the hallway, hoping it would lead to the exit, just as the door ahead cracked open.

I held my breath, not sure if I should keep going or turn back. My eyes darted quickly between the doors in front and behind me before I decided 'fuck it.' I wanted to get out of here now.

I tiptoed forward quickly, hoping to scoot past the door before the occupant came out, but instead ran straight into a warm body.

"Shit!" the girl in front of me gasped. I looked up into a pair of dull blue eyes ringed in red. She looked as fucked up as I felt. I sidestepped around her shaking my head.

"Sorry," I whispered, glancing behind me to make sure we hadn't woken anyone. She followed my gaze before letting out a chuckle.

"Fuck and duck, huh?" she asked, leaning against the door frame and crossing her arms over her chest.

I shifted uncomfortably, wanting to bypass this chit chat bullshit and get the fuck out of here.

"Yeah, something like that," I sighed running a hand through my hair. She looked me over and nodded before motioning her head behind her.

"The front door is straight down the hall and to the left."

"Thanks." I hesitated, not sure if I was supposed to know her name or not. She cracked a grin and shook her head.

"Tanya."

"Right," I nodded, walking walked around her.

As soon as I rounded the corner, I sprinted to the front door, yanked on the handle, and burst in the hallway. As it clicked shut behind me, I let out a huge breath, _thank fuck_. Slipping on my shoes I patted my pockets for keys, money, a fucking clue, anything to give me an idea about what I'd done last night.

I pulled out a twenty, ID, and house keys from my back pocket, and a receipt from the front. I walked towards the elevator and unfolded the paper that only had the name of a bar close to my apartment, and a phone number with the letter E scribbled under it.

I balled up the paper and tossed it in the trash as I waited for the doors to open. I was blissfully unaware of what happened last night; I didn't need anyone trying to jog my memory.

"I'm hurt," a voice called from behind causing me to jump. Jesus. I spun around to see a guy sitting on the floor across from the elevator. His back was pressed against the wall, his knees drawn to his chest with his forearms draped across his knees. His hands lay limp between his legs as he stared up at me. Fuck, he was hot. And I was a hot fucking mess.

He slowly raised a brow at me, a smirk pulling at the corner of his mouth. I cleared my throat uncomfortably, realizing I was standing in the middle of the hallway just starting at him.

"Excuse me?" I asked, trying to regain my composure. He inclined his head towards the trash can and rolled his body to the side, pulling a pack of cigarettes out of his back pocket.

"You threw my number away," he answered, lighting his cigarette before offering me one. I shook my head, I could barely fucking breathe as it was.

I looked from him to the trash can, scrunching my face up as I tried to remember when I had met him. Noticing my confusion he pulled his brows together and opened his mouth only to shut it right back and shake his head.

"Figures," he muttered, taking a long drag from his cigarette before exhaling loudly. He was staring at me in a way that made me extremely self-conscious. It also didn't slip my attention that I had one guy's number in my pocket, but woke up in another's bed. The concrete in the pit of my stomach hardened as black spots danced in front of my eyes. I had to get out of here.

I took a step closer to the elevator, wondering what the fuck was taking so long. His shoulder jerked at my movement and his body tensed.

"It doesn't work," he said, his voice flat as he turned his head away from me.

I felt disconnected from my body, nervous and fidgety. I tapped the pad of my thumb to the tip of each finger over and over again. It was a nervous habit I'd had for as long as I could remember. The repetitive motion was soothing and distracting, a rhythm of music in my head.

I felt dismissed and insignificant. I didn't like it. I knew I was worthless; I didn't need some dickhead I didn't even know making me feel that way, too. My throat felt thick as I fought off emotions I wasn't prepared to deal with right now.

I turned and walked towards the stairs. As my hand grasped the cool metal knob, his voice rang out in the empty hallway, closer this time.

"So that's it?" His voice was surprised.

I shifted around, unnerved to find him mere inches from me, his eyes boring into mine. They were a vivid green, probably more so because they were outlined with the same bloodshot glaze as the girl's inside. The same as my own.

Was he with us last night? Did I embarrass myself in front of him? Of course I embarrassed myself in front of him. It wouldn't be a party if I didn't make a fucking fool out of myself.

I shrugged and looked down; not willing to admit I had no clue what he was talking about. He let out a disbelieving laugh and ran his hand through his hair.

He bent his knees so his eyes were level with mine. "I don't know if you not remembering anything about last night should make me feel better or worse."

I jerked my head back, startled. "Yeah, well, considering how I woke up this morning, I can't say I'm terribly upset about the memory loss," I snapped.

_Get out, get out, get out,_ repeated in my head like a mantra. I spun on my heel toward the stairwell door, only to be grabbed by the elbow and yanked back around. Before I could protest, I was pushed backward until my back hit the door with a thud. The guy in front of me pressed his body against mine and placed a hand on either side of my head, trapping me.

"It wasn't supposed to end like that," he hissed, his eyes dark and angry.

Fuck this. I didn't know this guy, and he was freaking me the fuck out.

"Fuck off," I growled, raising my hands to his chest and shoving him backward. He stumbled back in shock and held up his hands in front of him.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, "it just sucks you don't remember and I do." His voice was softer, colored with remorse. My shoulders drooped slightly and I exhaled.

"Look, I don't know what went down last night, but I do know I fucked some random guy whose name I don't even remember. So forgive me if I fail to understand why you are standing here wasting your time trying to talk to me."

He flinched at my words, almost like I'd hit him, before straightening his back and squaring his shoulders. His face washed clean, a blank canvas.

"And I fucked his roommate right down the hall from you." His voice was flat and devoid of emotion.

It was my turn to flinch, my shoulders hunching inward slightly, the weight in my stomach physically pulling my body toward the floor. Why did I care? I didn't even know this guy's name.

"That," he said, gesturing toward me, "is why I am wasting my time out here talking to you."

He took a deep breath and stepped closer to me. "One minute you and I are at the bar laughing, talking, and unable to keep our hands off one another. You went to the bathroom while I tabbed out and the next thing I knew you were sandwiched between those two in there." He hooked his thumb towards the apartment. "You said we were going back to their place for an after party."

He pulled another cigarette from his pocket. "After that I don't know what happened, it was like you didn't even know me. I tried to talk to you, get you to leave, but you told me that you weren't going anywhere. I went to the bathroom and when I came back out, you and the douchebag were gone. I was pissed. So I sat on the couch with Tanya and drank until I was drunk enough not to care that her hands were down my pants and my tongue was in her mouth." He shrugged, his face unapologetic.

Oh my God, what was wrong with me? I bent over, gasping, as flashes of last night flickered through my mind. _Edward._His name was Edward. We were at the bar just like he said, making plans to leave. I was so wasted, but I needed to pee. I stumbled to the bathroom and ran into the girl from the apartment. She giggled and pulled me into the bathroom.

"_Hey," she giggled sniffing. "You want a bump?" She held out a vial filled with white powder._

"_Fuck yes." I smiled and took the vile from her outstretched hand._

_I turned toward the sink and unscrewed the cap, bringing the small scoop to my nose and inhaling sharply. She came up behind me, pressing her breasts against my back and running her hands up and down my sides._

_It felt so fucking good. She leaned in closer, rubbing her nose along my neck then reaching up and cupping my breast. My whole body was a live wire, shock waves of pleasure pulsing through me._

"_There's plenty more where that came from," she whispered, licking the shell of my ear and causing goose bumps to erupt across my skin. "Come back to our place?"_

_I nodded in response, a smile breaking across my face._

"_One more for the road?" She grinned and held the scoop to my nose before pulling me out of the bathroom and toward the exit._

_I stopped, remembering Edward and turned only to find a blonde guy on the other side of me grinning. He threw his arm over my shoulder just as Edward came into view._

"_Is that your friend?" Tanya asked, nodding towards Edward._

"_Yeah."_

"_Well, bring him too."_

I lifted my head to look at Edward, unable to recall anything else from last night, and honestly relieved the memories stopped there. I had a feeling things got much messier once we got back here.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, my eyes burning with the effort it took to hold back the tears threatening to spill down my cheeks.

_So fucking weak, Bella._

"At least you found out from the beginning that I'm a fucking worthless mess, now you can skip the regret of figuring it out later."

_No one wants you, Bella, you're fucking worthless._

"I think I'm old enough to make decisions for myself. So if you don't mind, I'd like to forget last night happened and maybe ask you out, where we both stay sober."

I stared at him in disbelief. What was wrong with this guy?

"I don't know if that's such a good idea." I shook my head and moved away from him.

He reached toward me and I happened to catch a glimpse of his watch.

"Fuck! I have to be at work in a half hour and I don't even know which part of the city I'm in." I was so fucked. I was going to get fired this time for sure.

"Relax, we're only a couple of blocks from the bar we met at last night. You said your place was close to there?"

"Yeah, that's right. Listen, Edward, I'm sure for a few fleeting moments, last night was great. But really, you don't want to get mixed up with someone like me. I'm damaged goods." I tried to make sure my warning was clear, even as my voice broke at the end.

"What did he do to you?" His voice was low, his eyes soft.

I stared at him in confusion. Him who? It sure as hell didn't have anything to do with the guy from last night. He took in my confused expression before deciding to enlighten me.

"Whoever the guy is who fucked you over so bad, you feel like you are a worthless piece of shit." His eyes lit with a hint of fire and it did nothing but make the color drain from my face. No, no, no. I was not having this conversation with a complete, or basically complete, fucking stranger.

"I have to go." I frantically ripped open the stairwell door, taking the steps two at a time. He didn't come after me this time, and I wasn't sure whether I was relieved or not. What I did know was I had twenty minutes to get my ass to work, or I'd be looking for another job.

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><p><strong>AN**

**Just a quick note before you press that next button! This was my first story, and I didn't have a beta. There are TONS of grammatical errors and face palms moving forward. Unimaginative Olena was amazing enough to beta the chapters as she read, but I haven't had the time to make the changes and upload the new chapters. Just please keep that in mind as you read. Hopefully I can get some beta'd chapters up soon! Enjoy!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own it.**

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><p><strong>Chapter Two<strong>

After the quickest shower ever I threw on some clothes and sprinted to the bar only two blocks from my apartment. My hair was still wet and I was pretty sure I still had traces of shampoo lingering, _fuck it_, it's not like I was much to look at anyway.

I skidded behind the bar, slamming my time card into the machine and breathing a sigh of relief when I realized I was only seven minutes late. That was a lucky number right? Fucking let me catch a break somewhere.

Maggie walked up to me, a slight frown on her face as she took in my appearance. "Hey, are you okay?" she asked, rubbing my arm.

Damn, I forgot I was supposed to text her if I wasn't coming home last night. Just another person I failed. She snapped her fingers in front of my face to get my attention.

"Don't," she said fiercely, "Bella I don't know how many times I have to tell you, but that piece of shit ex boyfriend of yours was a fucking idiot. You are none of those things he said." She snapped, her jaw set and her brows pulled into an angry scowl.

This wasn't the first time we'd discussed him and all the bullshit we'd been through together, but I could tell Maggie was reaching her breaking point with my self depreciation.

It wasn't like I wanted to feel this way, but after having the one person you love most in the world tear you down over and over again, doubt begins to trickle into your mind that maybe all the things they said were true.

I nodded my head and reached under the bar for my apron to break away from her glare. She sighed and knew she was done for now.

"Are you going to play tonight?" She motioned toward the stage and I nodded, it was the one thing I refused to be told I wasn't good at.

Music kept me breathing, when I sang I could pretend I was someone else and lose myself, voicing feelings I never had the courage to say otherwise. It was cathartic and every time I sang the day seemed a little less grey.

Before I knew it my shift was over and Maggie was ushering me into the back to change and get ready for my set. I had some new songs I was thinking about adding tonight, they seemed fitting after last night.

I sat in front of the dressing room mirror and stared at my reflection. I remembered a time when I looked at myself and didn't see every single flaw that now shined like a beacon on my face. My hair used to seem rich and deep, now it was just plain boring brown.

'_C'mon Bella, you can't possibly think your hair looks good today, Christ you're a fucking embarrassment. You're so fucking lucky you have me, there's no fucking way anyone else would want you.'_

I winced at the memory, it hurt to love someone who made sure you hated yourself as much as you loved them. I looked back at the mirror noticing the shadows under my eyes, they were sallow and sunken, lifeless.

I felt that familiar tightness in my throat, the burning in my nose as tears threatened to spill from my eyes. I was so fucking tired of this feeling of worthlessness. I let that man break almost every aspect of my being and still managed to miss his arms wrapped around me at night.

I sighed, wiping away tears that had yet to fall and straightened my back. It was time for me to escape, if only for a little while, and be someone who was happy and loved and worth something to someone― someone that mattered.

I grabbed my guitar and headed toward the stage to do the only thing that gave me the will to keep breathing everyday. I adjusted the mic and rested the guitar in my lap.

One of the best things about being on stage was the lights. They shined directly into my eyes making it impossible to see the audience. We had a full house tonight, and I'd never been more grateful for the imagined barrier between myself and the people sitting in the bar.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, letting my fingers strum the first notes before leaning into the mic and letting the strain of the last few days, of the last few years, wash away, flowing out of my body and into the music.

_I close my eyes and see your face,_  
><em>I smell your skin and taste your taste.<em>  
><em>You're not here, this I know,<em>  
><em>Yet I just can't seem to let you go.<em>

_I hate you, fuck you,_  
><em>Please don't leave me, stay.<em>  
><em>My mind, oh God, it's wasting away<em>  
><em>What have you done, please set me free,<em>  
><em>I'm trapped inside my misery.<em>

_Your memories haunt me, like a ghost_  
><em>Guilt and pain fill empty space<em>  
><em>You're poison running through my veins,<em>  
><em>A cancer deep within my brain.<em>

_I shouldn't dream, shouldn't think,_  
><em>Of anything from that time or place<em>  
><em>I fight and claw, kick and scream<em>  
><em>I'm ripped apart at the very seams.<em>

_My mind, oh God, it's wasting away_  
><em>What have you done, please set me free,<em>  
><em>I'm trapped inside my misery.<em>

I strummed the last few notes of the song, tears pooling in the corner of my eyes, not in sadness but relief. It felt so good to let all of the pain and hurt out of my body, to not let all of the negative shit eat at my soul.

Still, singing something so raw made me desperate to keep the memories at bay. I sang a few more songs before thanking all of the people I couldn't see and made my way off the stage.

As soon as I reached the bar Maggie held out a shot of tequila and a beer chaser. I smiled gratefully before slamming back the shot and taking a long pull from the beer.

Several people came up to me, praising me for my performance― I hated it. I did it for me, for release, not for the praise of others who were probably lying anyway, thinking they could get free drinks because I worked here.

I thanked Maggie, promising I'd be home tonight and turned to leave― only to run into a solid body. Feeling clumsy and out of sorts I peeked up at the man I'd crashed into only to meet Edward's now familiar face. I looked at him in shock, as he smiled crookedly and leaned down to my ear.

"Hey, Bella, can I talk to you for a few minutes?" He lifted his arm, letting his fingers trace the outside of my hand.

I didn't understand why he was here, or what he wanted to talk about, but the shot and beer were settling into my system relaxing me enough to let him lead me toward the back of the bar where it was less crowded.

"What are you doing here?" I blurted out as soon as we stopped walking. He ran a hand through his hair and shook his head, almost like he was trying to figure that shit out himself.

"You told me you were playing tonight, I wanted to come watch." He sounded almost defensive. I couldn't really blame him, we apparently talked about all kinds of shit before I blacked out.

I was sure I had been perfectly charming, just the right amount of flirty to reel him in before I slid right into sloppy slut and ended up with another guy. My stomach rolled with the thought so instead I focused on the man standing in front of me.

"Why would you do that?" I asked, confused. "No one gives a fuck about me, much less my music." My chest hollowed out at the truthfulness of those words. I looked at his face meeting his gaze that held a mix of shock and anger.

"That's not true." he argued, lifting his hand to my hair and running it through his fingers. "I know we just met, under very fucked up circumstances, and this may lead no fucking where." he motioned between the two of us.

"I just know I'll kick my own ass for the foreseeable future if I don't at least try and understand what it is about you that has me standing here right now." He stepped closer before leaning down and whispering in my ear.

"And for the record, you're wrong. I care, more than even_ I_ understand."

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><p><strong>AN**

**Welp, here we go. Meg, you're Boss. Jules, just love ya girly. That is all.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own it.**

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><p><strong>Chapter Three<strong>

I fidgeted with, well, nothing. My fingers tangled with one another as I looked around nervously, my thumb tapping out a rhythm with the contact of the pads of my fingers.

I was so out of sorts right now, what did this guy want with me? He was fucking gorgeous, and if I really thought about it, possibly crazy since he was here, in front of me, again.

"Can we get out of here?" He looked around at the people beginning to crowd around us. It was then I noticed the bar was much fuller than before I went on stage. People began to fill every corner as the next performer got ready to take the stage.

"Yeah, sure, that's fine." I nodded.

He obviously was just pissed he didn't get in my pants last night and was trying to rectify that before he dropped me like a sack of potatoes. This I knew, this I could handle.

I looked up at him and smiled, hooking my finger into his belt loop. "Do you want to go to your place or mine?" I asked, tugging him closer to me.

He looked down at me, his brows pulled together before what looked like understanding washed across his face. I couldn't read this guy, obviously he wanted to have sex with me last night, why should tonight be any different?

He shook his head and swept my hair over my shoulder. "I was thinking we could walk to the diner about a block from here, I hear they have great pie." he smiled.

"Pie?" I asked, stupidly. What the hell was going on here?

"Pie." He nodded stiffly before grabbing the hand I still had around his belt loop and threaded my fingers with his.

His hand was large and warm and comforting. It covered mine completely and made me feel safe. I immediately pulled my hand back and shoved it into my pocket. I had let someone make me feel safe before, and I was still paying for it.

He looked over at me and I could tell he was confused by my response, but I just couldn't go there with this guy. I wasn't looking for someone to make me feel warm and safe, I wasn't looking for anything other than an escape from the shittiness of my life, even if it only lasted for a little while.

He sighed before waving his arm in front of him, clearing a path for me to walk. His hand ghosted over the small of my back as we weaved our way out of the bar, people shouting out random things as we passed.

The walk to the diner was quiet and awkward― definitely awkward. My mind was a jumbled mess and as hard as I tried, I couldn't seem to wrap my head around what his motive.

I could feel his eyes on me every couple of minutes, it made me feel strange, the muscles in my neck taut with awareness, but body was sparking with something else entirely― I hated it.

I knew what it was like to have my body set on fire, to feel like I'd grabbed an electric fence, the current shooting through my body, pulsing. I also knew what it felt like to hang on too long, the burn that starts rushing through your veins as your mind cries out _too much, let go_! I ignored those cries for far too long, the damage now irreparable.

"What are you thinking about so hard over there?" Edward whispered, causing me to jump.

I exhaled heavily. "I just get lost in my head sometimes, you know?" I chanced a quick glance to see him nod slightly before shifting his gaze in front of him once more.

"Yeah, I do know. That's not always a bad thing though, not if it results in you singing like you did tonight." He smiled as he opened the door to the diner and ushered me inside.

I squinted against the harsh light after walking in almost total darkness for the past few minutes. It was quiet in here, only a few people dotted the bar and booths. A soft buzzing noise filled the air from the florescent bulbs, with the occasional clank of pots and pans from the kitchen and the scraping of knives and forks against plates.

It was easy to fade into the white noise around me and focus on something other than the man leading me to the booth in the back of the diner. As soon as we sat down an older lady with graying hair walked over to our table.

"What can I get you folks tonight?" she asked with a friendly smile. Edward looked over to me as I waited for him to order something, but he remained silent. The waitress shifted her footing and I realized he was waiting for me to order.

"Coffee." I said more like a question. I'd forgotten we actually came here to eat so my brain was a little slow on the uptake right now. Plus, I really needed some fucking rest.

"Two coffees and two slices of pie, whatever you have that's fresh tonight is fine," he said with a smile.

"Soooo," he started, clearing his throat.

"I don't know what I'm doing here," I blurted out, because this freaking awkwardness was going to kill me.

"I just want to talk to you Bella, I had a lot of fun last night." I winced at his words, I really didn't want to talk about last night. "I want to start over."

"Look. Here," he said, holding his hand out to me. "Edward Cullen, it's nice to meet you."

I stared at his proffered hand for a beat before taking a deep breath and sticking out my own hand.

"Bella Swan, nice to meet you as well," I responded, feeling a little stupid and a lot uncomfortable. But then he smiled, and it was real, and flashes of last night when we were in the bar talking and laughing flickered in my mind making thousands of butterflies explode in my stomach.

"So what do you like to do in your spare time?" He posture relaxed as he leaned against the back of the booth.

I stared at him for a second before I realized we were really starting over. This man was making my head spin trying to keep up, I really needed to stop acting like a special person.

"Uh, well, I like to sing, obviously. I work at the bar full time, and I take a couple of music classes in between." I shrugged.

_Why do you waste your time with this shit Bella? What do you honestly expect to get out of this? _

I sucked in a sharp breath willing his fucking voice out of my head, I was so tired of having him in my head. He had no place in my life now, real or imagined.

"What about you?" I leaned away from the table as the waitress set down our coffee and apple crumb pie― there may be hope for this night after all. I grabbed my fork, scooping a large piece of pie in my mouth, God, I didn't realize how hungry I was. When did I eat last?

"Good?" he chuckled, causing my eyes to snap to his.

Fuck, I should probably stop whore moaning around my fork. I nodded my head and set my fork down, tapping my thumb to the pads of my fingers waiting for him to speak.

"Well, I'm afraid my life is a little more boring." He laughed, nervously. "I graduated college last year and right now I'm working as a subcontractor doing website designs."

"Wow, so you're like a computer geek?"

I was pretty sure I sounded as stunned as I felt. Of all the things I pictured him doing, working on a computer all day wasn't one of them. He laughed as I covered my face. I'd just called him a fucking geek. Awesome.

"Sorry," I mumbled, still palming my face. I peeked at him through my fingers when he tugged on my hand, a grin plastered on his face.

"Hey, don't knock it. Last week I helped design a new web page for a hemorrhoid cream company. I got to make the tube of cream dance around smiling. Tell me that's not badass," he deadpanned. I couldn't help it, I laughed. Was the guy for real?

"There you are," he whispered, causing my smile to falter as his words and tone sobered me immediately. "Hey, don't do that. You don't have to shut down on me." Suddenly a memory from last night flickered in my mind.

"_Hey, don't do that you crazy girl, you're only gonna make it worse." _

_He laughed as he dabbed the napkin on the front of my shirt where I had been furiously rubbing it, causing the stain to spread. I wobbled on my stool, giggling when I almost tipped over. He grabbed my arm laughing as he steadied me back onto the stool._

"_Where have you been all my life?" I sighed, dramatically. "Edward Cullen, stain fighter extraordinaire, saving one shirt at a time." I giggled and hiccuped at the same time, which kind of hurt, but also sounded so ridiculous it made me laugh harder._

"_Well I couldn't jump right into rescuing pretty girls with my mad stain fighting skills," he responded seriously. "I had to work my way up the ladder."_

"_What are we even talking about right now?" I laughed. He snorted, which sounded so strange coming from such a pretty package._

"_I have no idea," he chuckled, stepping in between my legs. "But I think I could stand here talking nonsense with you all night and never get tired of it." His voice had lowered as his nose ghosted over the shell of my ear, his breath fanning across my neck causing me to shiver._

"_Fuck." I breathed._

"_Yeah."_

"Hey," he called, snapping his fingers in front of my face, causing me to startle. "Where'd you go?"

I cracked a smile at him, if I was going to remember anything from last night, I wanted it to be those kinds of memories.

"Oh, I'm just wondering what a super hero, stain fighter like you is doing slumming it in a dive like this?"

He leaned back into the booth, his shoulders relaxing as he took a sip of his coffee.

"Pfft, you see that old guy over there?" He nodded to the guy leaning over the bar. "That's my bread and butter right there, his shirt gets way more action than his mouth."

I stared at him in disbelief for a second before I couldn't contain my laughter any longer and lowered my head to the table to quieten my snickers.

"Oh my God, you really _are_ a geek."

I couldn't remember the last time I'd felt like this sober, well, mostly sober.

A loud ruckus at the front door pulled our attention away from one another and our completely ridiculous conversation. It was a group of about five people, two of which caused the color to drain from my face. I swiveled my head back to Edward, my eyes wide with panic.

"What's wrong, do you need-"

"Hey Iz, what the fuck are you doing here girl?" A loud voice interrupted from the bar.

_No, no, no, no. Not now. Why now?_ I pulled in a deep breath steeling myself for what I really hoped wouldn't become a confrontation. I looked over as I heard him approach, ignoring Edward's confused face.

"Peter." I nodded, my focus on the wall behind him. It wasn't that Peter was a bad guy, it was his best friend I had a problem.

"What, that's all I get? I'm hurt Iz." He reached out and ruffled my hair.

I sighed, Peter and I had been friends since I was ten, but he picked a side and I couldn't forget that. Realizing I wasn't going to engage him in small talk, he cleared his throat and straightened his posture, pulling his hand off the top of my head.

"So, have you seen Garrett lately?" he asked, shortly.

He might as well have punched me in the gut. He fucking knew I hadn't seen him. I gritted my teeth together, my thumb rapidly touching the pad of each finger; index, middle, ring, pinky; pinky, ring, middle, index.

"He misses you, you know, or I guess maybe you don't know, since you seem busy."

He narrowed his eyes as his gaze flickered to Edward. I didn't need Garrett to hear about Edward, he was perfectly fine leaving me alone as long as he didn't think I was involved with anyone else.

"Edward's just a friend." I said, waving my hand dismissively.

My eyes darted quickly to Edward's, and motherfuck, I just couldn't do anything right. I watched as his shoulders slumped and the light seemed to fade from his eyes. I wasn't worth all this trouble, I had to get out of here, _now._

"A friend, huh?" Peter asked, looking between the two of us. "Well that's good, I'd hate for you to get someone attached to you when we all know you'll be back with Garrett soon anyway." His tone was matter of fact as he stared directly at Edward.

I wanted to tell him to go fuck himself, that there was no way I was going back to Garrett, but I also didn't want someone as sweet as Edward getting mixed up in my shit. So I acted like the coward I was and nodded― it fucking killed me.

"Well," Peter said, the huge smile on his face like a knife scooping out my insides. "I guess I'll see you around soon then." He turned and walked back to the bar as I stared down at the table, unable to look Edward in the face.

"So, that...was fucking awkward," he joked, trying to lighten the mood. It fell flat. I was all out of smiles now. I needed to leave.

"Yeah, fun times with Bella," I said sarcastically, pulling money from my pocket.

"What are you doing?" he asked, covering my hand with his.

"Its been a long day Edward and I'm tired. I think I'm gonna head on home now, but thanks for the company." I grabbed my shit and slid to the edge of the booth.

"So that's it? You're walking away from me, again?" He sounded so fucking distressed.

"I don't understand what you want from me. I'm a mess. We've laughed and I've enjoying hanging out with you, but you saw what just happened. I have baggage. Lots of baggage." I was drained, defeated.

"I'm pretty strong you know, I think I can carry your baggage, if you'll just let me. I may even be able to lighten your load." He stood with me, reaching out and cradling my jaw in his hand.

"I see you, under all the bullshit. I see you, just let me in."

A throat cleared loudly and purposely letting me know I was being watched. I stepped back from Edward, even though every inch of my body screamed for me not to.

"I'm not worth it." I whispered, before turning and running out of the diner. I needed to be alone, I needed to not be attached to this man, and I needed to not blame myself for the flash of pain that ripped across his face when I turned my back on him, again.

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><p><strong>AN**

**Dude, your reviews, I can't even. These two are very close to my heart and I promise to try and do them justice. The fact that I actually have people reading this is more than I ever imagined. Thanks to Meg and Jules for reading and editing and pushing me, I love you bitches.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own it.**

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><p><strong>Chapter Four<strong>

I didn't look back as I took off down the street towards my apartment. Fucking Peter, why did he have to show up tonight? Garrett and I had been broken up for over six months now and I'd seen Peter only a handful of times, which was usually at the bar where I didn't have to deal with his ass. Garrett had pretty much been MIA the last few months, doing God knows what, but I had a feeling after tonight he'd be popping up again soon.

I climbed the stairs to my apartment feeling the weight of the day pushing down on my shoulders like a physical being. Hell, the weight of the last five years was more accurate, but it wasn't always like this. _I _wasn't always like this. The question was, how did I fix it? How did I get back to being me again?

"Bella, that you?" Maggie called from inside the apartment.

"Yup," I answered, kicking off my shoes. I walked to the kitchen and poured a glass of water and popped a few Tylenol, I could already feel the headache starting to form behind my eyes. I looked up to see Maggie leaning against the door frame, her bright red curls pulled into a high pony tail away from her face.

"So," she drawled, "you wanna tell me who that hot fucking guy was you left with tonight?" she asked with a smile on her face. And no, I most certainly did not want to tell her about Edward. I didn't want to even think about Edward, because the look on his face when I left him sitting at the diner was already seared in my brain. I think I'd had enough self imposed punishment for one night, so instead I did what I was best at, I deflected.

"I saw Peter and Charlotte tonight," I answered instead, taking a sip of my water. I watched as the smile slipped from her face as she pushed off the door frame and walked over to me. God, what the fuck was wrong with me? I could drain the happy out of a room like no other.

"Did they talk to you?" she asked, mirroring my position against the countertop.

"Peter did."

"Were you with that guy?"

"Yeah." I sighed.

"Fucking shit," she muttered under her breath. I knew what she was thinking, now Garrett would be sniffing around again. But it wasn't going to be like last time, I wasn't going back. I knew he was never going to get his shit together and be what I needed him to be. Being with him consumed me, suffocated me, snuffed out all that I am, leaving only him.

I shook my head at her, I couldn't even be upset that she thought I would go back because I'd done it a million times. He was always so convincing with his sweet words and soft touches. Making promises that things would be different this time, that we would be like we used to, back when things were good. For so long I wanted that, I wanted him to be the boy I fell in love with, but after the last time, I just couldn't do it to myself again. I had to fix myself, I had to move on.

A sense of dread settled in my stomach at the thought of moving on, making me feel lightheaded. I thought about Edward and how he seemed so different from all of the other guys I'd known, someone genuine and kind. There was no way he'd want to deal with all my shit. It's easy for him to say he wanted me to let him in when he had no idea what he was getting himself involved in. Laying myself bare only to have someone realize I'm not worth the trouble was a feeling I had no interest in experiencing.

"I'm going to bed," I said, pushing off the counter and setting my glass in the sink .

"Bella-"

"Not tonight Mag," I said, putting up my hand to stop whatever advice she was going to give me. "Later, okay? I promise, we'll talk later." She nodded her head as I made my way down the hall to my bedroom. After a quick shower and a change of clothes I fell into bed, completely exhausted. Why did shit have to be so complicated? Why? That was a question I found myself asking more and more these days.

Everything was so fucked up. I felt that familiar emptiness as I rolled over on my side and hugged my pillow. After all this time, it still felt strange sleeping alone. I felt vulnerable and small. Don't forget weak and pathetic my mind screamed as I punched the pillow beside me. One fucking night, I just wanted one night where I could go to sleep sober and not think about him. I squeezed my eyes shut tight and let my mind drift back to earlier tonight when I was on stage, when I felt free, when I felt just a little bit of the old me.

"_Take that sucka," I laughed as Garrett yelled in protest._

"_Stop dropping all those damn bananas Iz, race like a man," he pouted, getting Mario back on the track._

"_Dude, I'm freaking Princess Peach driving a pink car, manly does not come to mind right now," I deadpanned before cracking a smile._

"_Yeah, yeah," he said, bumping his shoulder with mine. "So what are you gonna do today?"_

"_You mean after I finish kicking your ass in Mario Kart?" I goaded with a cheeky grin causing him to roll his eyes._

"_Yes Izzy," he sighed exasperatedly._

"_I'm going to hang out with Katie and Char, maybe do a little shopping and just be girly in general, what about you?" I asked, crossing the finish line for first place and doing a fist pump._

"_Oh quit your bragging," he chuckled, pulling me into a headlock. "Dad's got a car at the shop he wanted me to help him with this afternoon so I'm going to head over there when you leave," he answered, letting his head fall back against the beanbag._

"_When is the last time you had your oil changed?" he asked, sitting up._

"_Uh..." I trailed off. I had no freaking clue, he should know that. He smirked at me and shook his head._

"_Why don't you take my car and I'll change your oil for you over at the shop," he offered before standing up and pulling me with him._

"_Yeah?" I asked, smiling._

"_Sure, it's no problem." He shrugged. "What would you do without me?" he sighed, grinning._

"_Blow up my engine?" I laughed._

"_Oh, no doubt," he said, giving me a quick kiss, "I just want you to be safe."_

"_I know." I sighed._

I woke the same way I did most mornings, with a pounding headache and a wet pillow. I hated those dreams, the one's where we were young and in love and things were perfect. But, the Garrett I loved in high school was gone, and the man he had become was bitter, mean, and hateful.

Every time he'd beg me to come back he'd promise things would go back to the way they were, but he wasn't the only one who had changed. I wasn't that naive seventeen year old girl anymore who was content with playing video games and hanging out at the mall. I wanted more, I needed more, I just wasn't sure I deserved more. And that's what pissed me off the most- the doubt, the uneasiness. He did that to me, and I let him. His hateful words and extracurricular activities hadn't just affected him, they had nearly destroyed me.

I flung the covers off and dragged myself out of bed. I needed a shower, I needed coffee, and I needed to get my shit together. I walked past the mirror and stopped, looking over my body. A sob tore from my throat and my knees buckled sending me to the floor. All I saw was what he saw. Ears that stuck out too far, eyes set to wide, and a nose too large for my face. I cradled my face in my hands and cried. I cried for the way he made me see myself. I cried for how he made me feel about myself. I cried because I had lost myself. No matter how many pep talks I gave myself, until I could see through my eyes again, it was all pointless. I leaned over, wrapping my arms around myself as my body shook with each ragged breath I dragged into my lungs. I felt a pair of arms come around me, hugging me, comforting me.

"I'm trying Maggie," I cried, grabbing her arm. I felt so hopeless, so weak, so defeated.

"I know you are Bella, shh, it's okay, you're okay," she said, smoothing the hair out of my face.

"But I'm not okay," I choked, clutching her shirt in my hands. "I want to be, God I want to be, but he's in here," I spat through clenched teeth, jamming my finger into my temple. "And I don't know how to get him out. I just want him out Maggie!" I screamed desperately as tears and snot and pain swirled together and dripped from my chin, losing the battle with gravity before sinking into the carpet fibers and disappearing. Just like me; slowly evaporating until there was nothing left, until I was gone, vanished. She just held me as I rocked back and forth, repeating over and over in my head two simple words that felt so very unattainable. _Get out, get out, get out, get out, get out._

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><p><strong>AN**

**Oh, Bella.**


	5. Chapter 5

**No Copyright Infringement Intended**

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><p><strong>Chapter Five<strong>

It took two hours, a steaming hot bath, and three shots of bourbon for my body to stop shaking and my breathing to even out. Maggie was less than thrilled about the bourbon since she had to work; leaving me on my own the rest of the day. I reassured her I had no intention of leaving the apartment since I had to work the closing shift at the bar tonight.

After lunch, Maggie left for work and I found myself standing in front of my closet door eyeing the shoe boxes lining the top shelf. I couldn't decide if opening them would offer some measure of comfort or feel more like ripping the top from Pandora's Box. After another minute of indecision I steeled myself and yanked the boxes from the shelf and stacked them on the floor.

There were so many memories hidden inside of these boxes, both good and bad, and I found myself again wondering which would actually hurt more. Walking into the kitchen I grabbed a large trash bag from underneath the kitchen sink and returned to my room sinking to the floor beside the boxes. So many times I had attempted to get rid of these reminders of my past, but something always held me back, some tinkling feeling that no matter how much I tried to convince myself, I just wasn't ready to let go.

But it had been six months. Six long, devastating months where I volleyed between disappointment, acceptance, and feeling completely fucking cheated. Disappointment that he wasn't the man I thought he was, acceptance that that would never change, and cheated because, goddamn it, I gave up so much for him.

When I thought about my life, there were so many things I could've had if I'd only put my foot down when all of his bullshit first started. The thought made me want to punch something and scream and cry and kick my own ass. I know now that he's not the one. I wasn't sure if there was someone out there for me or if my weaknesses ruined any real chance at happiness for me, but one thing I did know was that my happiness, it didn't lie in any of these boxes.

I looked over at the clock and realized I had about five hours until I had to be at the bar. I knew in my gut going through these boxes right now was a really bad fucking idea. But I also knew that if I didn't start right now, while I had some measure of resolve, then I might not be able to get to this point again any time soon. Sucking in a huge breath, I ripped the top off of the first box and wasn't surprised when the sight of the items inside assaulted me with memories of another time and place, of people that no longer existed.

"_You look beautiful, baby," Garrett said, giving me a soft kiss. We had been dating for almost two years now, I couldn't believe we were graduating high school, that we were at our senior prom._

"_Thank you," I said, feeling loved and happy and fucking perfect with my life. We walked into the gym, which was horribly decorated, but we didn't care because we had one another, and that's all that mattered._

"_I'ma dip you," Garrett warned with a smile._

_"As long as you don't let me fall," I laughed clutching onto his shoulders._

"_Never Iz, I'll always catch you." He sighed, kissing my lips. The night was perfect and he treated me like I was the only other person in the world. We danced, and laughed, and were young and in love._

I looked at the prom picture for another couple of minutes before I tossed it in the trash bag. Keeping shit that reminded me of those days didn't help anyone. That's what was so hard, things weren't always so shitty with Garrett, before Ben, before...everything else, things were so good.

"_Can you believe it, Iz?" Garrett asked, excitement radiating from him. We were packing the last of his boxes from his room in the dorms._

"_I'm still jealous that you get to live off campus while I'm stuck in the dorms," I pouted. We found out last month that Garrett's cousin Ben was transferring to school here in Seattle and had rented a two bedroom apartment. It seemed Ben had been in some trouble and his parents thought a change of scenery would be good for him. They also thought that having Garrett live with him would be a good idea too, much to Garrett's delight._

"_Awe, you know you can come over as much as you want," he said playfully as he shut the trunk. _

That was the beginning of the end. If I had known how much Ben coming into our lives would have changed everything I would have fought tooth and nail to keep them apart. I sifted through the box finding ticket stubs from concerts our freshman year, pictures, and other random momentos. I threw the entire box into the trash bag. I pulled the next box over and pushed off the top.

_I walked in the front door already feeling that something wasn't right. Garrett had started acting really weird lately, his moods were all over the place and he was so easily agitated, it was so out of character for him. _

"_Garrett," I called out moving towards the living room. The apartment was a fucking mess, how they could live like this blew my mind. And holy shit what was that smell? I looked up as Ben's bedroom door opened. Tia, Ben's girlfriend, came stumbling out looking like she hadn't slept in days. She looked like hell._

"_Hey, Bella," she slurred walking over to the couch before falling back, lying across it. "Garrett's with Ben in his room," she said, closing her eyes. I turned and headed down the hall giving a quick knock on the open door before sticking my head inside._

"_Hey guys-," I started before Garrett cut me off._

_"What the fuck are you doing here Iz?" Garrett yelled, jumping up from the bed. I put both of my hands in the air in front of me and started walking backwards._

"_Whoa, what the hell Garrett?" I asked confused and a little pissed by his reaction. "I just stopped by to see if you wanted to grab something to eat before class." I finished, noticing Ben was still on his bed with his back to me and a box of something in front of him._

"_Fuck class, I'm not going," he said, coming to stand in front of me. "And I don't know why you're bothering to go either, it's not like you're going to get a job with a stupid fucking music degree," he sneered._

_He may as well have slapped me across the face. I felt tears starting to gather in the corners of my eyes, he had become so mean lately. I didn't know what to make of it, but I was getting really fucking tired of it._

"_You're an asshole," I said and turned to leave. He grabbed my arm and pulled me against his chest._

"_I'm sorry," he whispered in my ear. "I'm just stressed out, I didn't mean to take it out on you."_

_Yeah, he'd been sorry a lot lately. It seemed he always had an excuse for his behavior, but his excuses were getting more and more pathetic. I nodded my head and pulled away._

"_I'm going to eat then head to class," I said and moved towards the door. When I turned around to face him I was shocked by the look on his face. His fists were clenched, his jaw ticking, like he was grinding his teeth, and his nostrils were slightly flared. It was like it was taking everything he had not to say something else to me. _

"_Are you okay?" I asked._

"_I'm fine," he ground out then turned and walked back to his room slamming the door shut. I stood there stunned for a few seconds before leaving the apartment in a daze. What in the hell was his problem?_

More boxes, more memories, more trash. I grabbed a couple of boxes and without opening them slid them into the trash bag. I didn't need to look through them all, I knew what was inside, and I knew I didn't have the energy to put myself through reliving everything. The lid slid off of one box that had flipped onto its side and a picture fell to the floor. I sucked in a sharp breath remembering the day that picture was taken. I looked at my face, deep shadows under my eyes, my smile flat and fake.

"_Damn Iz, are you seriously going to wear that out tonight?" Garrett asked, looking at me with disgust. I looked down at my shirt, I had worn it out several times and he never said anything about it before, but he had started pointing out things like this a lot lately. _

"_What's wrong with it?" I asked self consciously, tugging on the bottom of it with my hand. _

_"It makes you look like a boy," he shrugged, "although the fact that you have such small tits might have something to do with that," he said, pulling his own shirt on. I smoothed out the front of my shirt where I had bunched it in my hands noticing how the top hung off my body. I knew I wasn't blessed with a big chest, but I didn't think they were so small that I could be compared to a boy._

"_Come on, we need to get going," he sighed. "Just leave it on, no one's gonna notice you anyway." _

_I sighed. I felt like I was becoming invisible. I didn't realize how much about me bugged him, and the more he kept pointing things out the more I started noticing them as well. _

That night became more of a normal rather than abnormal occurrence for us. He always managed to find some way to get a dig in about me. Whether it was my looks, or school, or my music he was methodically chipping away at me, making me feel worse and worse about myself.

I pulled out a letter from the university, it was from my advisor informing me that I was no longer a student at the University of Washington due to excessive absences and unsatisfactory grades. I had missed so much school because of Garrett, when I was finally aware of what was really going on with him, and why he had changed so much.

"_What are you doing?" I cried, grabbing onto his arm as he slid down the wall. He looked at me with glazed eyes, his entire face completely limp. I watched as he untied the belt from his arm and let the needle fall to the floor. Heroin. My boyfriend had just shot up heroin, in front of me._

"_Makes it easier to look at you," he slurred, his head rolling to the side. I slid down the opposite wall and cradled my face in my hands unable to hold back the tears. He was on drugs, hard drugs and I was pretty sure Ben was the one behind it. I knew they dabbled in weed, maybe a little coke from time to time, but this? This was so fucked up. _

I tried to get him help, I tried to get him to stop, but no matter what I did he kept on using.

"_Don't go to class today, Iz, I need you here," he said clutching onto my arm. I looked at him lying on the floor, his body had taken a sickly yellow color, his eyes constantly red and glassy. I had missed so much school lately because of him. He would have these binges where he wouldn't leave the apartment for weeks, I was so afraid for him, that I would come over one day and find him dead. _

_He knew it too, that's why he'd beg me to stay, playing on my fears. His parents had washed their hands of him, I begged them to help me get him in rehab, anything they could do to help. But after months and months of him going right back to his old ways, they were done, claiming that unless he wanted to help himself there was nothing they could do for him._

"_Okay," I said, sinking to the floor beside of him._

I had tried that too, leaving him, as a sort of tough love tatic. When I broke things off with him he cried and yelled and begged, but I'd had enough. Three days later Ben called to tell me Garrett was in the hospital, he'd over dosed. As sick as I was of the person he'd become it was hard to just turn away from him completely. I went to the hospital to check on him, remembering feeling my knees buckle at the sight of him. He didn't even look alive.

"_Please, please, please give me another chance Iz," he'd begged, "I promise, this time, things will be different. I'm going to get help, just please come back."_

It was always the same. He'd beg me to stay with him, promise to clean himself up, then fail spectacularly. When he was clean he was agitated and spiteful. 'Izzy when did you decide not to give a fuck about how you looked. Izzy, these song lyrics are shit, no one will ever listen to you play. Izzy, don't you see, without me you have nothing, do you think any of our friends will still be there for you if I'm not around?'

And on and on it went. When I was finally kicked out of school he was actually happy, he'd said now I could get a real job instead of wasting my time with school bullshit. I was so depressed when I realized all of the plans I had made for my future were falling apart. I'd started drinking more and more, finding myself falling into the type of lifestyle that had caused all of the problems to begin with.

But it numbed everything for me, dulled the edges, lessened the pain. I felt a little more like the old me when I was floating in a haze of alcohol, able to laugh and smile without it feeling forced. I started working at the bar, enjoying the escape it gave me from dealing with my life at home. I had moved in with Garrett and Ben after I was kicked out of school because I didn't have anywhere else to go. The constant jabs and his sporadic moods were slowly starting to kill me.

That's when I met Maggie, she was a life boat for me to hold on to when I felt like I was drowning. She hated Garrett, hated to way he'd come to the bar and watch anyone who tried to talk to me. I'd tried to make him stop, but then we'd fight and yell and scream until I'd get mad enough and leave. I'd stay with Maggie, crashing on her couch until he'd come begging, pleading for me to come back. And I did, every single time. Maggie would get so angry with me, always telling me I had options, that I didn't have to stay with him and put up with being degraded at every turn.

But she didn't understand. He was all I had here, I'd made sure of that by letting his life destroy my own. I let him be everything for so long that I was worried to lose him would leave me barren. Until six months ago.

"_I don't want you working at that fucking bar anymore," he said laying his head back against his pillow. I sighed, I guess we were having this conversation again._

"_Someone has to work to pay the rent Garrett," I said quietly. I didn't want to piss him off right before I left for work, it gave him way too much time to stew._

"_What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" he asked angrily. "Are you saying you're better than me or something? Because I think we both know that's fucking bullshit," he spat, standing up from the bed._

"_No, I don't, it's just that with you not working right now..." I trailed off. I just wanted to go to work, I was so tired of fighting with him, didn't he get it? He'd won, he'd taken everything._

"_Get the fuck outta here then, fucking go, looking at you is making me sick," he sneered storming out of the room. My throat felt thick, my chest tight, he was so fucking hateful. I looked over at the mirror, seeing myself through his eyes. I couldn't even stop at this point, his words seared into my brain, always there, always whispering to me, telling me I'm not good enough, I'll never be good enough, I'll never be anything._

_I went about work feeling the weight of his words cementing into my gut, breaking the last few bits of me. I looked at the clock realizing I had about another hour before we closed when Garrett stumbled into the bar with Ben and Peter. I slid the beer I'd just opened over to the guy in front of me before making my way towards the end of the bar. Fuck, they were all trashed._

"_Iz," Garrett slurred, "I thought I fucking told you you weren't gonna work here anymore."_

"_Garrett, please don't do this right now," I begged, looking over my shoulder as someone called my name._

"_Who the fuck is that?" he yelled, staring at the guy who was trying to get my attention. "And why the fuck is he calling you Bella?" he snapped pushing the bar stool across the floor. I looked around panicked, he was going to cause a scene and I was going to get fired. I couldn't get fired, I needed this job, and working here made it possible for me to play without him knowing._

"_You know that you and Peter are the only ones who call me Izzy," I reminded him. Peter had started calling me that when I was ten, even though everyone had always called me Bella. Garrett picked up on it and the two of them have called me that ever since. _

"_Well I don't like this fucker knowing your name, are you fucking him?" he accused, moving towards the guy.  
><em>

"_What? No. Come on, Garrett, he just wanted to order a drink," I said, watching as Maggie made her way over to us._

"_You're fucking lying, Iz," he said lowly. I watched as he walked up to the other guy, yelling some nonsense before hitting him right in the face. Everyone jumped back as Garrett flung the guy to the floor and straddled him, hitting him over and over again. I tried to pull him off, but ended up getting elbowed in the nose, blood immediately running down my face._

_A second later two bouncers came over, snatching Garrett into the air like he was a rag doll and dragging him towards the front door. Peter and Ben were standing beside me, looking back and forth between the two of us before Ben took off after Garrett. When I made no motion to go after him, Peter's face scrunched up in confusion._

"_Aren't you going to follow him?" he asked, holding his hand out to me. I sat there, on the floor of the bar, my face and hands covered in blood. The poor guy who just wanted to order a drink was on the floor across from me, not moving. I felt something snap inside of me. I looked up at Peter, feeling a resolve that had eluded me in the past so many times. I was done._

"_No," I whispered, shocked and terrified about what I was about to do._

"_You can't be serious right now," he deadpanned. _

"_I'm completely serious. Peter how can I continue to be with him? I don't know that man, I don't understand him, and I don't feel anything for him. The Garrett I knew and loved, he's not here anymore," I cried, knowing it was true._

"_So what, that's it? You're going to leave him because he kicked some guys ass that was trying to hit on you? Nice, Iz," he said, disgusted as he turned and walked out of the bar._

"_Do you really mean it?" Maggie asked, coming up to me with a towel._

"_Yeah," I choked, feeling terrified and relieved and devastated all at once. Maggie stared at me for a beat before nodding her head._

"_Then let's go get your shit roomie," she said and pulled me from the bar. _

And I did. We went straight to the apartment, which was thankfully empty and packed my things. I didn't have much, so within an hour I was packed and out the door, leaving this place for the last time.

Garrett was relentless in the beginning, he called and stopped by to the bar almost every day. Maggie finally threatened to have him criminally trespassed if he showed up again, which got him to back off some.

I was so lost, so out of sorts about how much my life had changed, that found myself drinking more and more. The first time I woke up in a strange guy's bed I threw up. I couldn't remember anything and I had no idea what I'd done. But I didn't let that stop me, because those fleeting moments where I was too numb to care were so intoxicating that I kept doing it again and again.

Garrett had always said I was worthless, I guess I was finally living up to his expectations. For six months I have wallowed and cried and drank and fucked around and treated myself no different than Garrett had. But it was time, time to clean my shit up and start building my life again. I'd already enrolled in a few classes, now I just needed to fix everything else. I dumped the last box in the trash bag, tied it up and carried it to the dumpster out back. It was progress, one day at a time.

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><p><strong>AN**

** So now we're back to present day. There may be a couple of random flashbacks here and there but for the most part they're done with, I just wanted you guys to see how she got where she is now without dragging it out. And don't worry, Edward will be back in the next chapter. Now I'm off to frolic with iambeagle!**


	6. Chapter 6

**No Copyright Infringement Intended**

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><p><strong>Chapter Six<strong>

I walked into the bar emotionally drained and already counting down the hours until I could go back home, crawl into bed, and sleep for an undetermined, but definitely excessive, amount of time. As I made my way behind the bar, I caught Maggie, eyeing me warily. I gave her a small smile and a nod of my head, hopefully conveying that I was okay. Her loud exhale let me know she got it.

"How's it been tonight?" I asked, looking over the crowd as I tied on my apron.

"Not too bad, steady, but nothing overwhelming," she answered, hovering slightly. I knew she wanted to ask what I had been up to today, but a simple answer would not satisfy her and I didn't have the energy to give her one that would.

"Sounds good, you taking off now?" I asked, already moving away from her towards a group of girls looking expectantly at me. Before I could get arms length away she wrapped her fingers around my bicep, squeezing lightly before letting go.

"I just want to know that you're okay, I'm not going to press you for answers right now," she said, giving me a small smile.

"Yeah, I think-," I paused, taking in a breath, "I think that I will be. Not today, and probably not tomorrow either, but yeah, I will be," I said with a low, but steady voice.

"Good enough for me," she said with a big smile. "Now get down there and water those horses," she laughed, nodding to the increasingly annoyed looking group of girls. "I'll see you at home later," she said, slinging her bag over her shoulder and heading out of the bar.

For the rest of the night I moved on autopilot, keeping the drinks full and the bar clean. I was ready to yell last call when I noticed a guy standing at a table near the back of the bar, with reddish brown hair. He had his back to me, a girl tucked into his side, his arm curled around her, fingers clutching onto her hip possessively.

I stood frozen; heart pounding wildly in my chest, mouth bone dry, and my stomach doing somersaults as I stared at them. My reaction shocked me, leaving me off balance and confused. What was going on with me? Why did I care if he was here, with another girl? Why did my hands clutch onto the bar and my breathing become choppy as I choked on emotions I hadn't felt in years? Possessiveness; longing; _anger_.

Anger I knew. I had been angry for so long about so many different things, but what I couldn't put my finger on was what exactly I was so angry about. Was it seeing him here, with another girl after chasing me down like he did? Or was it the fact that I was angry at all? _I told you Bella, you're not worth it, he didn't even wait two days before he moved on. No, stop it_, my mind screamed, _your opinion means shit, nothing_. _Just like you, Bella. You mean nothing._

In the next second I didn't know whether to cry, scream, or slap myself in the fucking face, because he turned around, and it wasn't him. My knees wobbled and my knuckles whitened from the grip I still held on the bar. Air whooshed from my lungs and then slowly filled as I pulled in a deep, calming breath. And then I was pissed. I straighted my shoulders, yelled out last call, and rushed all the patrons out the door. Because I needed to be alone, I needed to think, I needed to figure out what was going on inside of my head. And I needed to do it now.

An hour later as I locked up the bar and headed towards my apartment I replayed everything that had happened tonight. I knew I was attracted to Edward from the flashes I remembered of the night we met. And when he told me he'd slept with Tanya I remember how raw and sick it made me feel. Then there was the time we had spent together at the diner; fun, light, comfortable.

But my reaction tonight, it scared me. I was so caught off guard by the tidal wave of emotions that swept over me, it was staggering. I had spent so much time numb, drifting through each day with no purpose, no plan, only wishing for the current day to end so that sleep could offer me a small amount of reprieve until the next day came. I had essentially been wishing my life away, wanting to rush through one shitty day after another, hoping that the next day would finally be the one where I came first.

I was also disappointed in myself. I knew logically that throwing away a bunch of old momentoes hidden in my closet wouldn't make Garrett's cruel words magically disappear, but I had hoped that in a moment of weakness or doubt his voice wouldn't still be the first thing I heard.

Maggie was already asleep by the time I walked into the apartment so I headed straight back to my room. Kicking off my shoes I looked over at my closet, noticing the now empty space on the shelves and felt a small bubble of pride bloom in my chest. I may not have been able to put his words out of my head today, but I had removed his physical presence from my room, and that's more than I can say about yesterday.

Exhausted, I fell into bed, reaching for the extra pillow that I always curled around, before stopping myself. I sat up, leaning against the headboard and drawing my knees into my chest. I stared down at the pillow that was now resting on top of my feet, wondering what it would be like to truly sleep alone, without any real or imagined comforts. Lifting my foot, I pushed the pillow up on its side then kicked my leg out punting the pillow across the room. I scooted back down the bed, flipping to my side and curling my fingers into my chest with a small smile on my face. To someone else kicking a pillow across the room would seem silly, but it was just another way of me letting go. That night, for the first time in six months, I didn't dream about sweet Garrett, or mean Garrett, or lost opportunities and bad breaks. I drifted off to sleep with memories of green eyes, bronze hair, easy smiles, and soft touches.

The next morning I woke with a dry pillow for the first time in as long as I could remember. But instead of happiness and pride, I was left with conflicted confusion. I was happy for not having my dreams plagued by sadness and anger, but I wanted that to happen because I was better, because I was taking control of my life and making my own way, not because someone else made me smile. Being dependent upon someone, letting them hold the power to have an emotional impact on me, fuck, it terrified me. I was just getting _me_ back, I didn't want someone responsible for me getting better. I wasn't ready to hand _me_ over to another person again.

I shuffled into the kitchen, thankful to find Maggie had already made coffee. Filling a large mug I settled down at the kitchen table and waited for Maggie to join me. I took a sip of my coffee, jerking when the hot liquid burned my top lip, hot fucking coffee.

"_You have really pretty eyes," Edward murmured leaning in closer to me._

"_My eyes are brown," I deadpanned, but couldn't stop the small smile tugging at the corner of my mouth._

"_Your eyes are like the color of coffee," he said, cocking his head to the side, studying me._

"_Did you seriously just compare the color of my eyes to coffee?" I asked, amused._

"_Coffee's fucking hot!" he exclaimed, before laughing loudly and leaning against the bar._

"_Please tell me that line has never worked for you before," I laughed, feeling relaxed, happy, and thoroughly enjoying the eye candy perched on the stool across from me. _

"_I don't know, you tell me," he said lowly, his words making me feel like a tongue of fire just took a long, languid lick up my body. And yeah, I think that line might very well work after all._

"Well, I'm assuming you spiked your coffee this morning," Maggie said, giving me strange look and snatching me from my memories. I looked up at her, confused at what would make her say that.

"What? Why would you think I spiked my coffee?" I asked, taking a tentative sip.

"Because when I walked in here you were staring down into your cup with a big ass goofy grin on your face, I could only assume it was the booze," she said, raising a brow at me. She poured her own cup and came over to the table, taking the seat across from me.

"Uh, no, not spiked," I said, pushing my hair back from my face.

"Well then I definitely want to know what you were thinking about, so I can bring it up everyday and make you smile like that," she said, grinning at me. My smile fell immediately, I was doing it again, letting someone else be responsible for my happy mood.

"Jesus Christ, Bella," Maggie said, annoyed, "you're allowed to be happy once and a while, you're allowed to fucking smile." She glared at me for a minute before she sighed and placed her hand on top of mine.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, "you just deserve so much and I want to see you get it."

"I know you do," I sighed. So I told her. I told her about the night I met Edward, and the next day, and our time at the diner until Peter showed up and how I left him sitting there. I told her about how confused I felt and that I had dreamed about him, I just unloaded it all, it felt fucking fantastic.

She sat there quietly, never interrupting, letting me expel all of my jumbled thoughts and feelings only nodding her head occasionally in encouragement when I had difficulty finding my words. When I finished I looked at her, trepidation leaking from me as I waited to hear what she had to say.

She stared at me, chewing on her lip as she searched for the right words she wanted to say to me. I looked around the room, listening to the tinkling sound of the water dripping down from the leaky faucet into the sink, the methodical tick of the clock that hung on the wall, and the whirl of the fan motor kicking on inside of the refrigerator. It all blended, the sounds swirling together forming a backdrop of music in my head. I began to hum and chords began to bleed out of my, my fingers tap, tap, tapping out the beat.

"You haven't heard a word I said have you?" Maggie asked, causing me to startle. I looked up at her face to see her grinning down at me in amusement. I realized that I must have zoned out, getting lost in my head like I often do.

"No, I'm sorry," I said sheepishly, causing her to laugh.

"I like it though, what you were humming," she clarified. "It always amazes me to see you get lost like that and to hear what comes out of you when you do," she complimented, causing me to look down at my fingers.

"Thanks," I mumbled.

"So, what I was saying," she began, "is that, Bella, I understand you want to be in control of your own destiny. I understand that you don't want some guy, who you barely even remember, being responsible for any amount of happiness that you feel when you struggle so much doing it for yourself. But sometimes," she said, putting her hand over mine," people come into your life for a reason, and you can't be afraid of everyone because of what one asshole did to you," she finished softly.

"Just, don't push against life so much, I agree that you don't need to jump into another romantic relationship right now, or any of the other types of relationships you've been engaging in during the last six months," she said, giving me a stern look, "but, there are other types of relationships out there, maybe you could try that?" she asked. But I was still stuck on her comment about my less that reputable behavior. I had degraded myself in so many ways with the drinking and random hookups. Some days I was actually grateful to see myself through Garrett's eyes instead of my own. At least then I could blame how I felt about myself on him instead of truly seeing the despicable person I had become.

I felt a tear slip from my eye and wiped it away harshly. Flashes of all of the humiliating things I had done played like a movie reel in my mind. Every time I would wake in a strange place with foggy and sketchy memories I would promise myself that it would be the last time. But then one drink would lead to two, and my smiles became a little bigger, my breathing a little easier, my heart a little lighter until I almost felt normal, and it felt so fucking good. Maggie leaned over the table and gave me a quick hug.

"I didn't mean to upset you, I just worry, you know that."

"I know."

"So, you'll try, maybe to let someone in, just a little?" she teased, holding her index finger and thumb only a hairs breath apart.

"A little," I smiled, mimicking her hand gesture.

After breakfast I took off for one of the two music classes I had enrolled in at the community college. I would have to do some serious work on my GPA if I had any hopes of going back to UDUB, and not wanting to rack up a ton of student loans it was going to make it long process. After class I took off for my shift at the bar like I did every other day. But now I found myself looking around for a man with crazy hair, green eyes, and an easy smile. And everyday I felt a flair of disappointment when I didn't see him.

For the entire week I went to class, went to work, and dropped face down into bed at night. I refrained from going out, although some nights it was much more difficult than others. A few mornings I woke, fresh faced and rested, others I'd find myself with a crick in my neck, my body wrapped tightly around the pillow that should have been under my head, and my eyes puffy and swollen from crying. But still, I felt hopeful because a week ago using the words fresh faced in association to myself would have been laughable.

Friday night I found myself fidgeting nervously in the dressing room. I looked in the mirror, noticing some of the shadows that typically played around my eyes had faded a bit. Beyond that it was still so hard to see anything other than what had been drilled into my head since Garrett first starting fading into the drugs two years ago. Taking a deep breath I grabbed my guitar and made my way up onto the stage. As a gazed out into the bright light I found myself wishing that I could see, if only for a second, into the crowd. Would he be here tonight? Would he be alone? Would he try and talk to me? I realized that I wanted him to be here, alone, to see me, it set my nerves on fire, and my heart racing. I had to calm down and center myself. I closed my eyes and felt the imaginary lines of my chest crack open. I imagined it like two strong hands sinking into the middle of my chest and ripping it open, but it wasn't painful, because all of the black and dark and ugly could be purged from my body, freeing the demons that feasted and thrived on my mind and soul. As soon as those thoughts came to mind the lyrics to my opening song began to flow.

_I open my eyes in search of light,_

_only to find the black of night._

_With heavy limbs and sluggish thoughts,_

_I peel away the heavy veil_

_that's trapped my mind throughout the night._

_The dark and ugly, depraved and sick._

_But as my conscience mind begins to clear_

_I know my present demons should be just as feared._

_Your poison courses through my veins_

_eradicating, suffocating_

_Who I am...Who I am_

_Cut me I'll bleed, but it still won't fill my need_

_My dark runs deep, layers and layers underneath_

_Where demons swim and sin is sweet._

_Play with fire, you will get burned_

_consumed by the flames of all my pain_

_Opened eyes engulfed in black,_

_waiting, waiting, always waiting_

_Your poison courses through my veins_

_eradicating, suffocating_

_Who I am...Who I am_

For a moment I sat there silently. It was the first time I'd played this song in almost a year and the thoughts and memories behind it left me breathless. A dull roar sounded in my ears, causing them to ring and at first I thought maybe I was going to pass out, but when I opened my eyes I realized people were clapping, and cheering, and yelling, because of me. I squinted against the light, seeking out Maggie who had moved closer to the stage so I could see her and she was wearing the biggest smile on her face. She gave me two thumbs up and told me to keep going as she made her way back behind the lights.

After my set I was surrounded by people and it made me uncomfortable and nervous. They all wanted to congratulate me on my singing, but I wanted to see Maggie, I knew she was waiting for me somewhere. No sooner than I'd the thought she appeared in front of me with a shot of tequila and a beer chaser. I smiled at her gratefully and slammed the shot back before chugging on the beer. I followed her to the bar and squeezed in at the end, reaching for the bottle of tequila and pouring a second shot.

"You did great tonight, Bella," she yelled over the crowd.

"Yeah?" I smiled, already feeling the affects of the tequila warm my body. She headed to the other end of the bar and I grabbed the bottle again, pouring a third shot and knocking it back. I slowly scanned the room knowing exactly what I was doing. I was looking for Edward. I wouldn't admit that to Maggie, or anyone else, but I really hoped that he was here, somewhere in this crowd of people.

As the night wore on, and the liquor took hold, I found myself at odds. One side of me was content and happy, and a little drunk, it made the attention bearable, almost desirable. On the other hand I felt agitated, off put, impatient. And after the fifth guy offered to buy me a drink and I still hadn't made a move to leave with someone, I knew what it is. I grabbed my bag and wobbled over to Maggie feeling a little lightheaded.

"I'm leaving," I yelled over the music. She looked at me with concern, her eyes darting behind me. I waved her off sloppily. "Alone," I assured her before leaning over the bar. "I have somewhere I need to go." And with that I spun on my heel and made my way out of the bar and down the street. I wasn't going far, just to another bar about two blocks from my apartment, where I hoped to find a certain stain fighting super hero.

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><p><strong>AN**

**I know I promised Edward in this chapter, but it made sense to end this chapter here. The good news it I kept on writing so more than half of the next one is done. Thanks to iambeagle and **Musegirl** who rec'd the shit out of this story and everyone else who has favorited and alerted and reviewed and just generally showered me with your awesomeness. Puffy hearts. **


	7. Chapter 7

**No Copyright Infringement Intended.**

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><p><strong>Chapter Seven<strong>

I made my way down the street, intent on my destination, but not really sure what the fuck I planned on doing once I got there. Luckily, I was full of liquid courage and had a certain sense of determination that made things a little easier. After looking for him to show up all week I'd decided maybe I should be the one to take the first step this time.

I pulled open the door and stepped inside, the dim lighting making it so my eyes took a second to adjust. I started moving towards to bar, doing a quick scan of the tables first, before I started at the opposite end of the bar. And then I saw him and it was like deja vu all over again. Except it wasn't, because the guy I'd seen at my bar wasn't him, but the guy here tonight was Edward and he was, in fact, here with someone.

Again, that same feeling came over me, that tightening in my chest, the thickness of my throat as emotions began to choke and suffocate me. I had to get out of here before he saw me. How fucking pathetic would I look to him right now staring at him when he's here with someone else? I turned to leave, shooting one more fleeting look at him over my shoulder before I left, only to find myself caught directly in his gaze. My breath caught as I stood there, trapped, watching as a smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. When I didn't return his smile, his brows pulled together and his smile began to slip. I let my eyes flicker to the girl tugging on his arm before turning my back to leave.

I heard him call my name and I really wanted to stop and hear what he has to say, if for nothing else than to sweep him off the pedestal I had put him on. But ego is a fragile thing, and mine had taken a beating for far too long to let anyone get another swing at it. Just as I'd stepped out the door I felt a body press up against the back of mine and arms cup my shoulders lightly.

"Hey," he said breathlessly, "what are you doing here?" he asked, turning me around to face him. "Were you looking for me?"

"No," I retorted, pissed that he thought I was here looking for him, even though I was. "If I was looking for you don't you think I would have come over and talked to you?" I asked indignantly.

"By the look on your face and the look you gave Heidi, no, I don't think you would have come over and talked to me," he said. And fuck him for calling me out and talking about that girl to me.

"Well it's a good thing I wasn't looking for you then since you seem busy," I said, pulling free from his grasp.

"I am busy actually." He nodded. "My sister is only here for the weekend, so I promised I would spend some time with her," he finished, smiling. His sister? I felt a flood of embarrassment at how I'd acted at the same time that relief surged through my body. His sister.

"So, if you weren't looking for me then what exactly were you doing here..." he trailed off expectantly. And since I was still pretty toasted, and I'd already embarrassed myself I might as well come clean.

"I was totally looking for you." I sighed, looking down to hide my smile and rocking back on my heels a little.

"Yeah?" he asked, bending his knees to try and get eye level with me. When I peeked up at him he was smiling with his entire face. "You sure it was me you were looking for in there?" he asked playfully, straightening his legs. "Because that old guy from the diner was in there looking fly with his cobbler stained button down," he teased, causing me to laugh.

"Did you just say 'fly'," I asked incredulously.

"That's what you caught out of that statement, that I used the word 'fly' and nothing about my suggestion of who you were looking for?" he asked, feigning shock.

"I hate to break it to you, but if that had been blackberry cobbler on the front of his shirt you would have been a distant memory," I informed him, trying to stay upright, but I still swayed a little, the tequila finally catching up with my lack of food.

"Are you okay?" he asked, concerned.

"Yup," I nodded, "just had a little too much tequila on an empty stomach." He opened his mouth to say something just as the doors to the bar opened. I looked around him and saw his sister, Heidi, looking at us with a half smile on her face, much like Edward's.

"This her?" she asked nodding in my direction. I looked at Edward questioningly, but he wasn't looking at me, he was glaring daggers at his sister. After a beat of silence she started laughing and walked over to us.

"Hi, I'm Heidi," she said, smiling, offering a small wave. "I'd stay and chat, but Edward might try to maim me, and no one likes to be maimed," she laughed.

"I'm sorry, Heidi, I didn't realize I was gone so long. Let me take you home," Edward said sounding guilty.

"Pfft, I'm a big girl, just promise me lunch and some time tomorrow afternoon and I'll let you off the hook," she teased, ruffling his hair. He tried to duck out of the way but she caught him first, sending his hair all over the place.

"Fine," he huffed, smiling at her. She turned to me, staring at me with an odd expression on her face before she took a deep breath and smiled.

"It was nice to meet you Bella, be good to my baby bro over here," she said, winking at him and causing him to groan. I nodded my head at her, only realizing after she had left that she called me by my name. Did I tell her my name? I didn't think so. I looked over at him and took a step when my foot wobbled causing me to pitch forward.

"Whoa," Edward gasped, steadying my arms. I thanked him and we both stood there awkwardly for a couple of seconds before he cleared his throat.

"Do you wanna go somewhere we can talk? Preferably some place private, since we don't seem to have the best track record with public places," he emphasized, giving me a pointed stare.

"My apartment is only a couple of blocks from here," I started, then sighed, "but you already knew that," I finished quietly.

"Do you have some food, maybe some coffee?" he asked, ignoring my comment.

"Yeah, of course."

"Then yes, we can go hang out there for a bit. C'mere," he said, pulling me closer to him and ghosting his hand over the small of my back. We walked to my apartment in relative silence, the only sound was the thumping of our shoes against the sidewalk and the occasional car passing by.

As we climbed the stairs, I suddenly became nervous. The brief walk, along with the time that had passed since my last drink, had offered me a few minutes of clarity and made me second guess having him here. What if this was a mistake? What if he was just being nice and walking me home because I'd been drinking? He hadn't come to see me all week, but he did follow me out of the bar, so I would have to focus on that for now and worry about the rest later.

"Coffee?" I asked once we were inside of the door.

"Sure, coffee would be good," he said, smiling and I couldn't help but to smile in return as I remembered his silly come on at the bar last weekend.

"Yeah, coffee's fucking hot," I teased. His eyes widened for a second before he let out an abrupt choking laugh and covered his mouth.

"Shit," he wheezed, "I was hoping you forgot about that," he said, looking embarrassed. I shook my head at him and turned to make my way into the kitchen.

"You can go ahead into the living room and make yourself comfortable," I called over my shoulder. I started a pot of coffee then dug around in the freezer until I pulled out a frozen pizza. It was better than nothing. I set the timer and headed back into the living room.

"So..." he trailed off, scooting to the edge of the sofa seat and resting his forearms on his thighs.

"So," I mimicked nervously.

"Bella, I don't like to bullshit, so instead of us sitting here making awkward conversation can I ask you a question?" he asked bluntly, causing me to flinch back. Fuck, it looked like he wanted to get whatever he has to say off his chest and get out of here as quickly as possible.

"Yeah," I replied thickly, heat flooding my face from my skyrocketing emotions.

"Hey, no," he said softly, "I didn't mean it like that, I just," he paused blowing out a big breath. "I like you, and you've ditched me twice. A man's pride can only take so many hits," he said with a chuckle trying to lighten the mood. "But I have to know, did you only come looking for me tonight because you'd been drinking?" he asked. I felt the air bleed out of my lungs as my face drained of the heat that had just flooded it.

"Yes," I admitted, looking down at my hands, "but not for the reasons you're thinking," I said, peeking up at him. He was staring at me intently, obviously waiting for me to continue, so I steeled myself and just put it out there, it hurts less if you just rip the band aid off quickly, right?

"I have thought about you almost every day since I left you in the diner last weekend," I rushed out, "and earlier this week I saw a guy at the bar who looked just like you and he was with someone else and the way it made me feel was completely absurd. And then tonight when I sang, I wanted you to be there, but you weren't. So I had a few drinks, and before I knew it, all I could think about was coming to find you, so I did, as you can see," I finished, lamely waving my hand between us for emphasis.

I put my face in my hands mortified that I just told him all of that, there's no way I was as sober as I'd like to believe, that word vomit only comes with the loose lips of tequila. I heard a rustling noise and then felt his hand on my knee as his other hand tilted my face up to his.

He was crouched down on his knees in front of me, his eyes soft with a sad smile gracing his beautiful face. He never needed to be sad, he had been so sweet and funny and kind. He didn't need someone like me. He needed someone good and whole, who would never make him sad.

"I just need to know that you feel it too," he whispered. "Because as much as I feel drawn to you, I can't be in this by myself. I can't knowingly let you hurt me, do you understand?" he asked softly.

And I didn't want to hurt him either, but there was no way that I could give him what he was looking for. I wasn't ready. And the thought of knowingly hurting him felt like a cattle prod slamming into my stomach, white hot pain searing and branding me from the inside out. He looked at me for a beat, understanding and disappointment washing over his face as he made to stand. _Fuck!_ Why did I have to be so fucking messed up, why couldn't I be the girl that was good and whole and perfect for him? I wanted to be something, _anything_. I grabbed his hand as he started to move away from me, I felt wild and desperate and terrified at the thought of him walking out of that door, out of my life.

"Wait," I choked, "just, please, wait," I breathed, my throat so tight I felt like I might suffocate. He turned to look at where I held his hand in mine then looked up meeting my eyes. He moved back in front of me, sitting on the edge of the sofa so that he could still hold my hand in his.

"I'm fucked up, Edward, I told you that," I said taking a deep breath, "you saw the guy from the diner, I have people in my life that expect things from me that I just can't give them anymore and they can't seem to understand that."

"Did someone hurt you?" he asked angrily, interrupting me.

"Not in the way that you're thinking, but I have been hurt, and it's affected the way I see things, the way I see myself," I admitted quietly. I steeled myself and asked the question that would decide if he would be in my life after tonight.

"But I could use a friend. I don't have many of those anymore and you seem like you'd be a really good friend," I said nervously, looking down at our clasped hands. I heard him sigh and looked up to see him running his hand from front to back over his head harshly. I loosened my hand to pull it back only to feel his grip tighten around my fingers, keeping my hand locked inside of his.

"Friends," he said lowly. "Bella, I can't be your drinking buddy you hang out wit,h then go hook up with other guys, I just can't," he said looking directly at me. Of course he would think that, I mean it's not like he doesn't have good reason.

"I don't mean like that. I just can't start up a romantic relationship, of any kind," I said pointedly so he would know I was referring to all kinds of relationships. "But we can hang out, shop, catch a movie, talk music," I said, smiling hopefully. He smiled in return and it was a real smile and it gave me hope that this may work after all.

"I think that sounds nice," he agreed. His phone chimed and he pulled it out looking at it for a second before cracking a smile. "My sister," he said, holding up his phone, "said that it is much too late for a gentleman to still be out," he laughed then sighed. "It really is late, I should head out, but maybe I could, I don't know, stop by the bar one night?" he asked.

"Yeah, I'd like that," I smiled, standing with him and moving towards the front door. The timer on the over dinged causing me to jump.

"Shit, I forgot about the food and coffee," he said remorsefully. I shrugged my shoulders.

"No biggie," I assured him, as he walked out into the hallway and slipped on his jacket. He stood in front of me for a second before stepping closer and leaning in giving me a soft kiss on the cheek. He swept his thumb over the place he kissed before dropping his hand and stepping back and smiling.

"So I'll see you later?" he asked grinning.

"Later." I nodded, grinning back. He walked backwards for a few steps before he spun around and jogged down the stairs. I stood there for a second before going into the kitchen, turning off the stove and dumping the coffee into the sink. As I fell into bed that night I tried not the think about the bitter taste the word friends left in my mouth.

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><p><strong>AN**

**So, some progress. Thanks to iambeagle for rubbing all over this chapter and making it pretty. And for telling people in her A/N of The Cellar that I'm going to shank her. If I go missing you'll know one of her readers took me out.**


	8. Chapter 8

**No Copyright Infringement Intended**

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><p><strong>Chapter Eight<strong>

I woke the next morning with a pounding headache. It seemed Jose Cuervo was not a friend of mine. After a quick shower and a few aspirins I joined Maggie in the kitchen, where I filled her in with all of the details of my night. At first she seemed shocked, probably thinking when I left last night that I was lying about my real plans, but the more I confided in her the more relaxed she became.

Recalling the conversation I had with Edward here at the apartment was painful to say the least. I felt silly and foolish the way I told him things about myself that people I had known for years didn't know. And then my reaction to him leaving? God, it was fucking humiliating. Of course Maggie thought I was overreacting, but I knew myself. I tended to go to the extremes when I'd been drinking, and my dramatic plea for him to be a part of my life was downright cringe worthy.

I had to wonder if he didn't just agree with me so that he could hurry up and leave. I mean, he was willing to walk out of the door because I couldn't give him the level of commitment that he wanted. Was what I offered really any different than what I was willing to give in the first place? I was confused and annoyed and embarrassed, but the worst thing that I felt was hope. Could he really be content to just be my friend until I figured my shit out? Was that fair to him?

God, my mind was a big jumbled mess that made me feel like I was drowning in my own head. I needed a clear head to think, and I needed to be sober the next time I saw Edward. We had things that needed to be discussed and I would just have to suck it up and muddle my way through. Even if he wasn't serious about us being friends, the least I could do was offer him one conversation where I wasn't under the influence of alcohol. And, who knows, he probably wouldn't find sober, awkward, emotionally damaged Bella nearly as interesting as drunk, fun, and flirty Bella.

I dumped the rest of my coffee in the sink and retreated to my room to work on homework and just hide from life. After a couple of hours of school work, I pulled out my old worn journal where I kept all of the songs I had ever written. I started at the beginning, when I was just getting a feel for the ebb and flow of a song, and had to laugh at how juvenile some of them seemed. An entire collection of sappy happily ever songs that would make a Disney movie gag. Over the years the songs became more mature, more intimate, more personal. They took a drastic turn when things started going downhill in my life, much darker, filled with anger and pain.

It had always amazed me how the lyrics and beat of a song could sweep someone back to another time and place. Like you've jumped in a time machine and teleported to the back seat of your boyfriend's car in high school, or the time you did something really crazy with a group of your close friends. A song can make you feel bashful and shy, giddy and silly, or completely and utterly destroyed.

From the progression of the songs in my journal it was easy to see that I had lived these emotions, not through the words and music of others, but that I had written my own time machine. I had to live not only through the experience of writing the songs, but also relive them each time I sang, stripping my soul bare over and over again. It was both a blessing and a curse, both freeing and enslaving.

I had written almost nothing since I'd gotten the courage to finally walk away from Garrett for good. So every time I sang it was usually the last songs I had written, the deepest and darkest, where I felt hopeless and lost. I pulled a pen out of my back pack and set it, along with my journal on the side of the bed. Reaching for my guitar, I cradled it in my lap and began picking notes out that sounded like the tune I had hummed out in the kitchen with Maggie.

Before I knew it the day was gone, my fingers were cramped, and the pages in my journal were covered in versus and notes; my heart and soul. I smiled to myself as Maggie poked her head in the door letting me know we'd need to leave soon. Closing my journal with a happy sigh, I set my guitar against the wall and got ready for my shift at the bar. I had been so lost in my music all day that I didn't even think about the possibility of whether or not I would see Edward tonight.

The night went much as I expected any Saturday night to go, lots of loud drunken people, with even louder music to drown out the hum of slurred voices and vulgar comments. As hard as I tried to stay focused on my job, I couldn't help but feel my eyes drawn to the entrance each time the door opened, hoping to see Edward walk through. As last call came and went, and the drunken fools with their one night stands and the ones with broken egos who were shut down shuffled out the door, I felt a wave of melancholy settle within me that he never showed up.

I tried to remind myself that he asked if it would be okay if he stopped by the bar 'one night', not tonight. But old habits die hard and insecurities don't vanish overnight because a pretty boy with pretty words paid me attention. I could feel Maggie's eyes on me as I poured my third shot of rum, but I just needed to take the edge off, let the numbness settle in and make me not feel so much.

But unlike most Saturday nights, I didn't go to another bar. Maggie and I grabbed out things and headed for the apartment, she asked several times if I was okay, to which I assured her I was, but she knew something was going on. I think she was just so relieved that I wasn't going out again that she decided not to push.

"So, I have to go see my dad tomorrow then I'll probably go straight to the bar," she said, unlocking the door. "Do you want to come with me?" she asked.

"Nah, I'm off tomorrow, so I'm going to do my best impersonation of a vegetable," I laughed, kicking my shoes into the air. She eyed me for a second before nodding her head and heading to her room. I found myself standing in the living thinking about the night before, and having Edward in my home. I wasn't going to pretend that I wasn't disappointed he didn't show up tonight, but maybe it was for the best. I was becoming way to attached to someone that I had only been around three times, all of which I had been drinking, to miss him after one day.

The next morning I heard Maggie shuffling around the apartment for a while before she knocked softly on my door.

"Yeah," I croaked, my voice still thick with sleep.

"Hey, sorry," she whispered, "I'm heading out, I'll see you after my shift later tonight, okay?" she asked.

"Sure, perfect, excellent," I agreed and plopped back down on my pillows. It was entirely too early to be alive right now. In what seemed like minutes there was a knocking at the door.

"Nooo," I groaned into my pillow. Maggie was forever forgetting her keys, I guess this morning wasn't going to be any different. I flung the covers off of me, not bothering to dress, and stomped to the front door.

"I'm going to tie your keys on a string around you neck-," I started, until I realized I most definitely was not yelling at Maggie right now. Edward stood in front of me with two cups of coffee, a fuckhot beanie, and a smile. I think I lost the ability of my motor functions as I gaped at him. He shifted from foot to foot before ducking his head and peeking up at me.

"Hi," he said, grinning shyly and offering one of the cups of coffee to me. I looked from the cup of coffee to his face several times before I roboticlly reached out and pulled the cup from his hand.

"Hi," I said dumbly, still unmoving. He looked at me, his eyes widening, before he turned his head away and cleared his throat.

"Is this a, uh, bad time?" he asked, stuttering. I looked at him for a moment before looking at myself and shit, no wonder, I was only wearing a pair of boy short panties and a sleep cami, sans bra.

"Shit, let me, go, and put something,_ more_ on," I said, embarrassed. "You can come in and have a seat," I said, turning to leave. As soon as I turned and started down the hall I heard him groan, I spun around thinking something was wrong only to find his eyes now glued to my ass. Well, I guess that was something.

After pulling on a pair of yoga pants and a sweatshirt I made my way back out to the living room, sipping on the coffee he brought me. I couldn't remember the last time someone had done something nice for me for no reason at all, it made me happy and uneasy at the same time.

"So, is there a reason you're here at the ass crack of dawn?" I asked, taking another sip of my coffee. He choked out a laugh, before clearing his throat and shifting in his seat.

"Well, Heidi left this morning and since she wouldn't let me out of watching shitty movies last night I wanted to catch you before you left your apartment this morning," he said shyly, peeking at me over the rim of his coffee cup. He was too fucking cute for his own good.

"So, what did you want to do then?" I asked, unable to take my eyes off the way his Adam's apple bobbed when he swallowed.

"I thought we could do some people watching today," he suggested. I stared at him for a second, not fully understanding what exactly he was suggesting before I finally just broke down and asked.

"People watching?"

"Yes, people watching," he said seriously. "It's fun and possibly educational, just come on, give it a shot okay, for me, please?" he asked, grinning at me and fucking hell there was no way I was telling him no.

"Just, let me get ready and we'll go, okay?" I asked, moving toward the bathroom.

"Sure, I'll be right here, waiting, for you," he said with a strange tone to his words. Well, I guess I needed to get ready to go people watch, whatever in the hell that meant.

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><p><strong>AN**

**I HAVE A BANNER! An awesome, fantastic, beautiful, banner made by the lovely, talented, sweet, and wonderful Ms. Twilly. The link for the banner and her profile homepage are on my profile, please check them both out! Meg, you sexy bitch, thank for rubbin on this for me, it liked it..bunches. More to come soon. I hope that you guys are actually enjoying this, drop a line and let me know what you think.**


	9. Chapter 9

**No Copyright Infringement Intended**

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><p><strong>Chapter Nine<strong>

An hour later I found myself sitting on a bench in the middle of a mall, literally people watching. I wasn't sure exactly what it was I was supposed to do since this was by far the more bizarre thing anyone had ever asked me to do, but it was something that Edward apparently wanted, so I was here for however long he decided to 'people watch'.

"So I have to ask, exactly what are we going here?" I asked, curiously.

"I have a question for you first," he said, turning to face me on the bench.

"Okay, shoot," I said, sounding much more confident than I felt.

"Do you have any idea how beautiful you are?" he asked like he was asking what the temperature would rise to today. I stared at him blankly before turning my head away from the ridiculousness of his question.

"Look," he said, grabbing my arm, "play a game with me, just one game, and as long as you answer honestly you'll understand where I am going with this, okay?" I looked at him for a moment, wondering if it would have been better just to pull the cover up over my head this morning and ignored the knocking on the door. Then I thought about how cute and shy he looked this morning and knew that was a fucking stupid idea, so I nodded my head and crossed my fingers that I just didn't agree to something painful. He smiled at me and flung his arm across the bench behind me.

"Okay, we'll start out slow, lets see," he hummed, scanning the crowds as people ambled past us. "Okay, there," he said, pointing to an older lady and a small child, "tell me their story," he said, staring at me expectantly. I cut my eyes to the older lady picking up the child and scolding him for something before turning back to Edward, giving him a blank stare.

"I...don't understand," I said slowly, trying to figure out what exactly what we were doing here. He laughed, which kind of annoyed me if I was being honest, but he said I had to be honest, so I guess I was playing along correctly. I narrowed my eyes at him wondering if this was some kind of trick he was playing on me when he shook his head and began to speak.

"Look at the necklace she's wearing," he said, pulling me from my thoughts, "it's a cross right?" he asked, scooting closer to me so that the left side of his body touched mine from knee to shoulder.

"Yeah..I- yeah," I said lamely, suddenly aware of how his breath tickled the hair on my neck, the timber of his voice vibrated against my ear, and smell from his aftershave filled my senses.

"So okay, lets give her a story," he said in a low voice, moving impossibly closer and doing things to my body that were so far from the friend zone that we may as well have been on another planet. "Lets say she's Catholic, and that little boy is her grandson," he started, pulling back slightly, much to my relief and disappointment. I nodded my head for him to continue, curious where exactly he was going with this.

"Okay, she's here shopping for her son, because he can't leave his house," he said, then nodded for me to take over. I really wasn't sure what to say, but I figured winging it was my best option.

"Because he's sick?" I answered like a question, I really had no idea what the hell I was doing here.

"Okay, he's sick," Edward confirmed, "because he's healing from a gunshot wound," he added proudly while I gaped at him.

"What?" he laughed, "you want him to have a cold? What's the fun in that?" he asked, squeezing my shoulder that was under his hand resting on the back of the bench. I rolled my eyes td him and just went with it.

"Because he's a mob boss," I nodded, "and someone tried to whack him, but his goons took them out." This wasn't so bad, it could actually be pretty fun. He looked over at me with a smirk and bobbed his head in agreement.

"Whack? Goons? A fan of mob movies are you?" he asked, smiling at me. I shrugged my shoulders. Who didn't like a good ganster flick?

"I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse," he said, lifting his hand to his face and trying, but failing miserably, to sound like Don Corleone in the Godfather.

"Oh God," I laughed, covering my face, "that was terrible, never do that again," I pled, putting my hand on his knee to brace myself, before realizing what I had done. I peeked up at him through my hair to see him smiling down on me, his eyes dancing as he watched me. I cleared my throat and straightened my back, trying to focus on anything else other than the buzz coursing through my body, the way I sort of vibrated with nervous energy and my fingers flexed to go back to where they had rested on his knee.

"Okay, so what's next?" I asked, looking around at the people surrounding us. I heard him sigh before he picked his next victim. And so it went for the next hour, he would point someone out and then come up with the most ridiculous story he could imagine. I don't remember laughing this much since I was a teenager and the toughest decision I had to make was whether to be Peach or Luigi in Mario Cart.

"Now," he said, shifting in his seat, his tone of voice immediately setting me on edge, "remember I said we were going to play a game, and you promised to be honest?" he asked, as I nodded my head warily.

"So I am going to point someone out and I want you to tell me what you think."

"Edward, what are you-"

"Just, try, okay?" he asked, cutting me off. I tried to swallow around the lump that had suddenly formed in my throat, I had the sinking feeling that I wasn't going to like this game very much.

"Okay, so, her," he said pointing to a girl that looked to be somewhere in her twenties, she was covered in tattoos and piercings and had a streak of bright pink hair running down the middle of her back.

"Uh," I mumbled, not sure exactly what I was supposed to say.

"What is the first word that comes to your mind when you look at her?" he prompted me.

"Rocker?" I said like a question. She was definitely into rock music, if her looks didn't give her away, then the Metallica shirt she wore did.

"So not, freak, or ugly, or anything like that?" he asked curiously.

"Why would you say that?' I asked annoyed, pulling back from him slightly. "Just because she's different doesn't make her a freak or ugly," I said, become more agitated. He just nodded his head in acceptance which pissed me off even more.

"And her, the fat chick?" he asked casually and I totally wanted to throttle his fucking face. I thought he was different, I thought that he was special, but he was putting down these girls in the same way that Garrett had done me.

"Is that what you see?" I asked through gritted teeth as tears threatened to seep from my eyes.

"What do you see?" he asked nonchalantly, looking lazily over the crowd of people.

"I mean yeah, she's overweight," I sputtered, because that fact couldn't be denied, "but look at her face, she has really pretty eyes, and her smile is beautiful, and you are an asshole," I said, standing from the bench. I'd had enough of this shit, I should have known better than to think he was any different from all of the other assholes I'd met. I turned to walk away when he reached out and grabbed my hand pulling me back down onto the bench beside of him.

"One more," he said before standing and walking over to the kiosk in the middle of the mall. He spoke with one of the girls at the counter before she handed him something and smiled. He nodded his head before strolling back over to me. He sat heavily on the bench and stared at me for a second before thrusting the object in his hand into mine. I looked down in my hand and was met with my own reflection.

"Now, tell me what you see," he whispered. I sat there stunned, finally figuring out what he was doing as tears that I had no control over rolled down my cheeks and splashed on the surface of the mirror. I turned my head and looked away, I didn't want to play this game anymore.

"What do you see," he asked again more forcefully, pushing the mirror back towards me. I didn't say anything, I couldn't, because I knew what I would see and it would not be the answer he wanted to hear.

"How can you," he started, pulling the mirror from my hand and setting it on the bench, "see the beauty in people that everyone else in this mall would immediately scoff at," he paused, taking my hands in his while turning his body to face mine, "and not see what the rest of us see, staring back at you in your own reflection?" he asked thickly.

I shook my head furiously, tugging my hands free from his. This was too much, I couldn't do this.

"You don't know me," I whispered.

"I don't," he agreed, "but that doesn't mean I don't have eyes. You're absolutely beautiful, and you not being able to see that is a fucking shame," he said, shaking his head.

"Look, I know we barely know one another and this may seem like too much, but as a _friend_," he emphasized, "I just want to help you. Can you please let me do that?" he asked, smiling at me softly. l stared at him blankly, realizing that he completely played me today, not to be mean or unkind, but to try and help me. I blew out a harsh breath and gathered my bag.

"I think I've had enough people watching for today," I said quietly. He sighed heavily beside me before pushing himself up off the bench. He walked over to the girl at the counter who eyed him curiously, returned the mirror, then jogged back over to me.

"Come on, I'll take you home," he said, guiding me out of the mall. The trip back to my apartment was quiet, I will still trying to absorb everything that had happened today and he was obviously letting me. When we reached my door he shifted from side to side, much like he did this morning, before straightening his shoulders and looking me in the eye.

"I know that things haven't ended on the best note today," he started hesitantly, "but I had a really good time with you. And maybe what I did was too much and I came on too strong, but I really did it with the best of intentions. I didn't mean to upset you," he said apologetically. I knew that he wasn't trying to hurt me, _now_, but earlier, I'm not going to lie and say it didn't feel that way.

"I know, and I had fun today with you too, mostly," I added with a half smile.

"So did I send you running for the hills?" he joked, but there was something in his tone that let me know he was seriously concerned what me answer would be. I shook my head no at him and took a hesitant stop closer to him.

"Thank you for today," I said before wrapping my arms around his neck and giving him a quick hug. His arms coiled around my waist immediately and he squeezed my body against his tightly before letting go.

"Can I stop by the bar later this week?" he asked timidly, "I have a lot of work I need to do, but maybe I can get away if you're okay with that."

"Uh, yeah, sure, that'd be okay, I guess," I said, sounding as out of sorts as I felt. He stared at me for a split second before his face broke out into a grin, causing me to forget why he was smiling in the first place.

"It's a date," he laughed, leaning over and pressing his lips to my cheek just like he had done the last time. Before I could respond he was already half way down the stairs. _Friends can have dates, right?_, I thought as a smile of my own broke out across my face. I may have forgotten what his smile was for, but I knew there was no way I'd forget the reason behind mine.

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><p><strong>AN**

**So too much? Not enough? Progress? I think so. Thanks to iambeagle for just being her. This chapter is dedicated to my good friend Julie, who managed to make me cry while staring at magnets with the words cock and slit on them. Only you, Jules. Hugs and kisses to you! It'll be a few days before the next update, Meg and I have to write Dirt Roads, if you're not reading it, why the hell not? Go, shoo, it's a break from the angst! Let me know what you think!**


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: No Copyright Infringement Intended**

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><p><strong>Chapter Ten<strong>

The next couple of days passed with a mix of giddy and muted anticipation. Edward had told me he'd be busy this week so I wasn't expecting him to show up immediately, but there was a possibility, and that was enough to set butterflies off in my stomach. That is, until a couple of days became a few, and a few became a week, and a week turned into ten days.

I tried to not let it bother me, I went to work and school and kept writing, I even contacted the school about getting an appointment with a counselor. But that gnawing feeling, the one that whispered I just wasn't enough was always there, picking and pulling, trying to rip what mended flesh had healed right back open again.

By the tenth day I had accepted that he wasn't coming back, that somehow he had figured out that I really wasn't worth all the hassle. I mean, what guy has to take a girl out and thrust a mirror in her face just to try and get her to see what he sees. Not a normal one, obviously.

I had just finished working my shift at the bar when a guy approached me, a shy smile playing on his lips as he smoothly slid onto an empty bar stool in front of me.

"Hey, aren't you the girl who sang last week?" he asked, leaning against the bar and smiling at me.

"Yup," I answered dismissively, I didn't need criticism tonight.

"You were fucking amazing," he said, grinning, "can I buy you a drink?" he asked softly. I lifted my eyes to his face, taking in the masculine planes of his face, his clothes in near disarray. I cast a fleeting glance to the doors, knowing that who I wanted to see walk through them was not going to show.

"Sure," I shrugged, pulling off my apron and coming around to the other side of the bar, "one drink never hurt, right?" I asked, feeling uncertain and unbalanced. I scanned the expansion of the bar until I spotted Maggie, who was staring at me pointedly. I shook my head at her, hopefully conveying that I was just having a drink, before the guy next to me slid a drink from the other bartender in front of me.

"Thanks," I mumbled, removing the straw from the glass and turning it up.

"So, what's your name?" he asked, leaning into my personal space, his hot breath fanning across my face.

"Bella," I answered quietly.

"I'm Sam," he said, sticking his hand out for me to shake. I smiled at him and accepted his hand, it was hot and sweaty and didn't cause goosebumps to rise on my body the way they did when Edward touched me. But Edward wasn't here was he? He hadn't showed up in ten fucking days, and probably never was.

"Nice to meet you," I said politely. I downed the rest of my drink and signaled for Seth to bring me another one. The thought of going home and sitting in an empty apartment by myself, alone with my thoughts, made me want to find the nearest wall and slam my head against it.

I listened as Sam droned on and on about fuck if I knew what, and drank my weight in vodka tonics. We'd be closing in about an hour and I wanted to be good and shitty before I went home and fell into bed. I wasn't sure what to attribute my mood to, I didn't even think it was so much the fact that Edward hadn't shown up again. I think it was more the fact that once again I felt like less of a person because of someone else. I knew that it wasn't his fault I felt this way, but he gave me fucking hope, and to have that, after having none for so long, only to have it snatched right back out from under you, it fucking stung.

I lazily looked around the bar, hoping to distract myself long enough to let the haze of alcohol blanket me fully when my eyes fell on a sight I never thought I'd see in my entire life. Katie, my best friend from high school, was perched in a booth on the other side of the bar, in Garrett's lap. I felt the air woosh from my body as my eyes absorbed the sight in from of me. They were smiling and laughing with one another, his arm loosely draped around her side as he ran his hand up and down her side slowly.

But the sight of them together was only a flicker of the enormity of seeing him. He looked like, _him_. He looked sober, and clean, and lucid. His hair was washed, his clothes neat, and his face, while still greatly underweight, as was the rest of his frame, was pink and healthy, not the yellowish gray color that had become so common before I had finally left.

My eyes stung as I tried to reel my emotion in. Was he better? Was it because of Katie? Was she able to fix him when I had failed over and over again? Was the problem not Garrett at all, but me? Did I make him become who he was?

The room began to spin as black spots danced across my eyes. Oh God, I felt like I was going to be sick, or pass out, or crumble into a heap of fucking nothing on the dirty bar room floor. I clutched onto the bar to steady myself as I began to sway on my bar stool.

"Hey, are you okay?" a voice called from in front of me as a hand gripped my other arm to steady me.

"Don't touch me," I whispered harshly, snatching my arm away and having to catch myself on the stool to maintain my balance. I opened my eyes to see Sam standing in front of me, his arms raised in submission, his jaw slack with confusion.

"Hey, no problem," he said slowly, then turned and walked away. I couldn't even care that I just totally freaked out on a guy who had been nothing but nice to me, because I was having a total fucking breakdown. I looked up to find Maggie watching me, concern etched on her features. I knew that there was no way she had spotted Garrett yet, or there would be very different emotions flickering across her face.

"Bathroom," I mouthed to her as I got up and absently made my way to the other side of the bar towards the restroom. I shoved the door open and then fell heavily against it as soon as it clicked shut. Tears pricked my eyes, they stung and burned like acid behind my lids. My stomach churned and pitched, rolling like a ship caught in a hurricane as bile rose and scorched the back of my throat.

I slid down the door, landing with a soft thud as my body bounced slightly with the contact of the hard, sticky, cold, concrete floor. I couldn't even begin to pinpoint the main emotion coursing through my body right now. Confusion, hurt, relief, anger, regret, defeat.

Saliva flooded my mouth, sweat beading across my forehead. The florescent bulbs too bright, the pounding base muted through the closed door causing a rhythmic pulse to drum in my ears as my vision blurred. I pulled myself onto my knees to stand, but my shaky legs, hindered from too much alcohol consumption along with the rush of adrenaline rushing through me, sent me back to the floor. My body heaved as black spots encompassed me in darkness. I pulled my body across the floor, grime and dirt and filth clinging to my hands, grinding into my flesh, the stickiness tethering me to the floor, like it was where I was meant to be.

The moment I reached the toilet the contents of my stomach filled the bowl. Over and over again my body convulsed, expelling bile and vomit harshly from my body. I slumped against the door, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand. Why was I reacting like this? I didn't want Garrett back, I knew that. Right? I knew that? No. I knew that. But he was better, and it had only been six months since I walked away. Was that really all it took? I had to get out of here; I needed to go home.

Gathering all my strength, I pulled myself from the floor. I grimaced at the filth on my hands and jeans and made my way over the the sink. I looked at my reflection and didn't need Garrett's words in my head to tell me how I looked. I truly looked how he always told me I did, and there was nothing to be done about that tonight. I washed my hands and splashed some water on my face trying to cool my overheated skin. Dragging in a deep breath I turned and pulled the door open. I stood outside the door, momentarily blinded as I waited for my eyes to adjust to the darkness when I heard someone approach from the left of me.

"Iz," his voice whispered from beside me. My entire fame locked into place, the air trapped in my lungs as my hands clenched into fists. I squeezed my eyes shut tightly, willing myself to be somewhere else, anywhere else.

"Hey," he called again, a hand coming up to cup my shoulder gently. Two words, he'd uttered two words to me and I felt like he'd kicked me in the gut.

"Back off fucker," Maggie yelled angrily as stormed over from the bar. I slowly opened my eyes and reached over, pulling Garrett hand's from my shoulder and letting it fall. I turned and faced Maggie, Garrett directly behind me now.

"Are you okay," she asked immediately, her eyes shooting daggers at Garrett.

"Yeah," I croaked, my throat raw and sore from the burn of getting sick earlier.

"Iz, can I talk to you for a second?" Garrett asked timidly, much different from the guy I had seen violently beating an innocent man on the floor of this very bar, or the man who practically stalked me for weeks after I left him.

"Bella," Maggie called imploringly, I knew that she didn't want me to have any interaction with Garret whatsoever, but something in me felt like I needed this, like this was important.

"I'm fine," I emphasized, grabbing her hands in mine and forcing her to look me in the eye. "I promise," I whispered quietly. She looked at me, silently pleading for me to just walk away before a blank mask washed over her face. She straightened her shoulders and inhaled deeply.

"Fine. You know where I'll be," she stated stiffly before turning on her heel and walking back to the bar. I steeled myself and turned to face the man who was responsible for so much heartache in my life.

"What do you want, Garrett?" I asked tiredly, embarrassed by how weak and pathetic my voice sounded.

"You look good," he commented, causing my eyes to snap to his.

"Excuse me?" I asked incredulously. Was he serious right now? There had been times when I tried _so_ hard to look pretty for him. Spending extra time on my hair, makeup, and clothes only to have him tell me how much of a disappointment I was. Now here I stood, half drunk, sweaty, smelling like puke, and he tells me I look good? Be for fucking real.

I narrowed my eyes, I had been with Garrett for a long time, I knew when he was bullshitting me when he was sober. The drugs had made him a better liar, but sober, he didn't stand a chance against me. He shuffled from side to side, nervously scratching his right hand with his left, _lie _my mind whispered.

"Shit, Iz, I just, you're a sight for sore eyes," he whispered, his eyes bouncing everywhere but my face, like he couldn't look me in the eye. I felt something stir in my chest, and it was an all too familiar feeling, the one I got when Garrett was being dishonest with me. What the fuck was going on right now?

"Why are you here?" I asked again through gritted teeth. I didn't have time for this shit. I didn't have time for him.

"Because I fucking miss you okay," he spat, his eyes blazing in a way that let me know he wasn't as clean as I thought he was.

"And that's my problem how, Garrett? Why should what you're feeling have any fucking affect on me?" I asked angrily, the alcohol coursing though my system making me bolder and more assertive than I felt.

"I came here to see you Iz, to show you that I'm better," he said condescendingly, his arms spread out wide. I looked at him incredulously.

"You're here with Katie, Garrett," I said slowly, "I saw you two, her in your lap. What was that?" I asked, staring at him for a second before understanding washed over me. "Was that for me?" I breathed, my eyes wide, dumbfounded that he would do something like that.

"Well I mean," he huffed, shuffling, "was that the guy Peter saw you with at the diner?" he asked, nodding his head towards the bar where Sam sat talking to Seth. My brows drew together in confusion for a split second before all of the pieces clicked into place. I shook my head in disgust, a humorless laugh escaping all on its own from my throat.

"Is that what this is about?" I asked, laughing darkly. What a fucking joke.

"Peter just said that you seemed happy, like you used to," he said, a small smile playing at the corner of his mouth. "I just figured you'd finally gotten over whatever was wrong with you and we could start over again," he murmured, stepping closer to me and reaching up to tuck my hair behind my ear. I slapped his hand away before taking a step back.

"Who are you?" I asked, amazed at the gall he possessed.

"What do you mean, 'who am I'?" he asked mockingly, his tone taking that familiar edge that I remembered. Just as I was about to respond I felt a hand rest on my shoulder, goosebumps erupting across my neck and back from the contact.

"Hey, Bella," Edward whispered, his breath blowing across the shell of my ear causing an involuntary shudder to ripple through my body. "Can I talk to you for a minute?" he asked, giving my shoulder a quick squeeze before sliding his hand down the length of my arm and letting go.

I cast him a glance over my shoulder, his face looked worn, tired, haggard. Before I looked away I caught a glimpse of Maggie watching the scene closely, no doubt the moment she spotted Edward she sent him straight over.

"In case you missed it buddy," Garrett sneered, "Iz is a little busy." I felt Edward stiffen behind me, even though he wasn't actually touching me. I couldn't remember if I had told him about the nickname, but he obviously knew that with a nickname like that, there was a history.

"I think _Bella_," Edward emphasized," can make up her own mind, buddy," he echoed with the same inflection as Garrett. I looked between the two of them, feeling like a child's toy being yanked between two children who weren't used to sharing.

"Just stop it," I sighed. "Just shut up, both of you," I whispered, rubbing my brows with my thumb and index finger. How the fuck did this night end up like this?

"Who the fuck is this Iz?" Garrett asked angrily, "I mean, I heard that you got around after you split, but I didn't know you were fucking every guy in town," he sneered. It was the last thing I heard before I was shoved roughly against the wall and Edward's fist met Garrett's jaw with a deafening crack. I stood, stunned as Edward pummeled his fist into Garrett's face, blood splattering across the wall and dotting across my cheeks.

The next few minutes happened in a blur. Bodies rushed the enclosed space, strong arms yanking and pulling, voices shouting as the bouncers tried to break up the fight. Maggie wrapped both arms around me, propelling my body away from the scuffle. It was then that I realized the loudest voice belonged to me, and that tears were streaming down my face.

"Stop," I croaked, my entire body vibrating with nerves, my teeth chattering as I tried to decided what I needed to do to break loose from Maggie's grip. I needed to stop the fight before someone was hurt, before Edward was injured from defending someone like me. In what seemed like seconds he was before me, his hands cupping my face, his eyes searching mine, then my face, then my body, blood smearing wet and warm onto my cheeks from his hands that caressed my face..

"Are you okay?" he asked, sounded frantic, panicked. I didn't understand; he'd been gone. For nearly two weeks, why was he here? What did he want? I didn't need some white knight in shining armor, I needed a fucking friend, and he wasn't here.

"I'm fine," I answered roughly, pulling my face from his hands aggressively. His eyes widened for a second before something akin to remorse flashed across them.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, "I didn't mean to hurt him, it's just," he blew out a harsh breath before his eyes snapped to mine fiercely, "I couldn't stand by and let him speak to you like you were a piece of shit." His eyed blazed in challenge, daring me to contradict him.

"I don't give a shit that you hit that asshole," I refuted. "What I care about is the fact that I haven't seen you in nearly two weeks and then you show up here, looking like you do," I said, waving my arm up and down the length of his body. "You're acting like you need to, what, defend my honor?" I scoffed. "I have no honor," I spat, my teeth sinking into the flesh of my tongue, the rusty copper taste of blood coating the back of my throat. His eyes softened as he stepped close to me, the back of his fingers brushing across my cheek.

"I'm sorry I haven't been by. I had some things to take care of, and I didn't have your number to call and tell you," he said lowly, roughly, like he was reliving a painful memory. All thoughts of anger bled from my body at the thought of him being in pain, hurt, or sad. I stepped closer to him, my hand cupping his that still rested on my cheek.

"Are you okay?" I asked, the bar and all of the people in it melting away as I stared into his eyes, so weary, yet warm, and so very beautiful.

"Yeah," he sighed, his eyes closing as I stroked the angry red mark on his cheek that was no doubt the result of his earlier altercation with Garrett.

"There's a lot that I need to tell you," he said, uncertainty lacing his tone. I felt a foreboding sense of dread creep over my body, making me feel cold, clammy. I had a feeling that whatever he needed to tell me had the potential to change everything.

"Okay," I whispered uneasily, "let's get out of here." I tugged on his hand as I met Maggie's gaze, her smile soft, her eyes understanding, as she nodded her head and turned her back to me.

The last thing I heard as we exited the bar was Garrett's angry voice screaming my name.

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><p><strong>AN**

**Thanks for all the lovely reviews and kind words, I completely lose my shit every time I post, you have no idea how much better it makes me feel to know that you are enjoying my story. Meg put pretty commas everywhere and Jules gave me forehead kisses then smacked me and told me to hurry the hell up and post. Love you both. More this weekend...**


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: No Copyright Infringement Intended**

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><p><strong>Chapter Eleven<strong>

"Do you need some ice for your hand?" I asked as we walked through the front door of my apartment. Edward glanced down at his hand and grimaced at the raw swollen skin of his knuckles.

"I can get it," he replied, already walking towards the kitchen. I nodded my head and started down the hall towards my bedroom.

"I'm just gonna go change and clean up a bit," I replied quietly, wanting nothing more than to shower and brush my teeth. I didn't want to leave him alone for too long so I opted for a change of clothes and a good scrubbing with the toothbrush before pulling my hair in a ponytail and returning to the living room. Edward was already there, a towel filled with ice resting on the back of his swollen hand.

"Are you okay?" he asked again, his eyes darting around my face. A humorless chuckle escaped my chest as I looked down at my hands, my fingers repeating that familiar, comfortable pattern, thumb to index, middle, ring, pinky, and back again.

"I should be asking you that," I retorted. "You're the one with an ice pack on your hand from punching someone in the face." I raised my eyes to meet his, my gaze steady as I dared him to argue.

"I'm fine," he answered, "and you know exactly what I mean," he said roughly, running his free hand through his hair.

"Where have you been?" I asked, wanting to change the focus from me and find out where he had been for the last ten days. He dropped his gaze immediately, his shoulders somehow stiffening as they hunched inwardly, curling around himself. I felt tension pull taut in my belly as something heavy seemed to settle around us, the air crackled, becoming more and more charged as the silence continued to stretch.

"Is there someone else?" I asked, my hands clenching into fists."Because you know, it's okay if there is," I lied, the words like acid on my tongue, "I mean we're just friends," I reiterated, as much for my benefit as his. I heard him sigh heavily then suck in a deep breath.

"I just need you to understand," he began, a hint of muted panic in his voice, "that what I'm about to tell you had nothing to do with why I'm here, with you, right now," he finished, his voice steady, strong, commanding. I felt dread begin to trickle over me, the hairs on my head tingling, itching, with a morbid sense of anticipation. I inhaled a shaky breath and nodded my head for him to continue. Band aid right?

"Fuck," he swore lowly, his breathing becoming labored, his good hand yanking harshly on his hair.

"Just spit it out already," I begged, my nerves fraying at the ends, like fragile bubbles floating in the air, moving closer and closer to the gleaming tip of a needle.

"My best friend from college," he began quietly, "lost her baby a few days ago."

I felt a wave of sadness waft of over me, unable to imagine the pain of losing a child. I didn't really understand what exactly that had to do with me though, so I told him as much.

"I guess I need to start from the beginning for this to make any sense to you," he sighed, leaning back on the couch, his head resting on the back, his eyes on the ceiling.

"I met Gianna when I was a sophomore in college. She was in a couple of my classes and she always seemed, I don't know, sort of sad, guarded," he said, almost like he was trying to figure out a puzzle. "Anyway, I was at a party one night, and you know how I told you I used to smoke a lot in college and just sit around playing on the computer, right?" he asked with a small chuckle.

I wanted to smile with him, but I felt like I was frozen into place, like this was the comic relief part of a movie drama and the metaphorical sledgehammer would be lowered any minute eradicating any sense of good feeling, making you question why you had been laughing in the first place. I nodded my head letting him know that I remembered.

"So I see her at this party, and she comes up to me and says, 'I heard you're the geek who gets geeked, I want in,' I just stared at her for a minute before I started laughing, because I think that was the most bizarre way someone had ever asked me for pot in my life," he said smiling at the memory.

"So I told her to have a seat and we smoked. And after that it just kinda became a thing that whenever we would see one another we would smoke, and then we started planning to hang out, and our friendship just developed naturally. She began opening up to me more and more as time passed, telling me about her off again on again boyfriend," he said looking at me then, a wild, nervous look in his eyes. I wanted this story to stop, that foreboding sense of dread becoming heavier and heavier, compressing my lungs, the air leaking from them on its own accord.

"He was...not a good guy," he whispered, his hands rubbing up and down his thighs. _No, no, no._

"She finally had enough of his shit and left, and after a while we started dating. Things were tough at first, she was skittish, even though she had been my friend for close to a year at this point," he trailed off scooting to the the edge of the couch and moving closer to me. I pressed my back as far into the back of the chair as I could, trying to reclaim the distance he was trying to close. I squeezed my eyes shut tightly, my fists clenching and unclenching a few times to try and rope in my emotions that were threatening to tailspin out of control. I opened my eyes, looking directly into his and whatever he saw there made him slide back onto the couch and away from me.

"I loved her," he murmured, "and I just wanted to help her, but what she felt for me, was nothing compared to what she felt for him, and she finally broke things off with me and went back to him." His arms shook slightly as he lifted his hands to cradle his face. I felt my teeth begin to grind against one another, pain shooting up the side of my jaw from the strain it was taking to keep my body from exploding into a million pieces.

"But things were different when she went back to him this time, he was more...forceful with her," he stressed, looking at me, utter defeat etched into his features. "I noticed that she started wearing long sleeved shirts all the time, even when the weather was warm, her makeup a little heavier, her sunglasses always near. We still hung out, but things were so different, she was so withdrawn. Being around her wasn't hard because I didn't miss her the way someone should miss a person that they were in love with, I was mostly just sad because my friend was obviously going through something that I couldn't help her with. It made me realize that while I knew I definitely loved her, I wasn't in love with her. I was just young and stupid and allowed platonic love and lust and loneliness to mix together and disguise itself from what it really was." Edward pushed himself up from the couch, pacing the length of my living room, back and forth, back and forth, and all I could think was that I was nothing more than a second chance for him, a chance to try to succeed with me where he had failed with her. I would rather he have fucked me, spit in my face, and called me a whore than to treat me like I was some fucking charity case. My anger began to bubble to the surface as he began speaking again, his words rushed and agitated.

"She just wouldn't listen, I tried to tell her over and over again that she deserved so much better, that there was someone out there for her who would appreciate her for who she was and treat her with the respect that she deserved. But again and again she would leave and go back, each time a little bit more of her light fading until I just couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't stand by and watch her continue to destroy herself," he said forcefully, like he was defending some choice he made.

"So after graduation, I left, and I wished her a nice life. And I haven't seen nor heard from her again until about three months ago, when she called to tell me that she was pregnant," he said, his face twisted with disgust. "I tried to act happy for her when we met for lunch a few days later, but the dark shadows that lingered around her eyes and the long sleeved shirt she was wearing in the summer heat let me know that things hadn't changed at all." He walked over in front of me, sitting on the edge of the coffee table, his knee brushing against mine causing me to jump. He clasped his hands in front of him, his forearms resting on him knees.

"She called me a week ago," he whispered, "and she was crying, said she was in the hospital, and that she had lost her baby," he choked, pain radiating from him. "I didn't know what had happened, only that she was begging for help and I just couldn't tell her no, she was my best friend..." he trailed off.

"Where is she now?" I asked quietly, feeling my heart break for his friend.

"She's with her parents. I don't know if she will stay with them, but for now she's safe. I just don't get why she would do that, why any woman would choose that," he said lowly, almost like he was speaking to himself. But I heard him, and it sent me flying out of my chair to my feet.

"Don't you dare do that," I shouted, my body vibrating with rage. "You have no idea, no fucking clue, what it's like to be in that kind of situation. To love someone so much and have them begging you to stay while completely crushing your spirit at the same time. To love someone and watch them slowly destroy themselves everyday and have them tell you that _you_ are the reason that they go on, that _you _are the _only_ reason they continue to live," I finished, gasping for air.

"But I do know Bella," he said fiercely, "I watched my best friend go through that everyday for years."

"So is that what this is then?" I asked angrily, waving my hand in between the two of us wildly. "Am I your shot at redemption, a fucking do over?" I spat, hurt and anger making my entire body shake.

"What?" he snapped, jumping to his feet and crossing the room quickly until he was inches from me.

"No," he said sharply, his eyes boring into mine. "I didn't know anything about you that first night we hung out except that I felt something different with you, something _more_," he stressed reaching out to grab my hand. "And then everything went to shit, and I was so fucking pissed at you, but that feeling, that fucking pull wouldn't let me walk away," he said roughly as I forcefully yanked my hand from his.

"And then you figured out I was just as fucked up as your friend," I laughed humorlessly, "and it was your chance to try and sweep in and save the fucking day," I said, shaking my head.

"That's how you knew," I breathed, "that next morning when you asked what guy fucked me over, it was because you had seen it before." My eyes stung with tears as I backed away from him, feeling a wave of dizziness overcome me. God, I was so fucking stupid. This guy didn't want me, he wanted to_ fix_ me. He wanted to make up for what he couldn't do for his friend.

"No, Bella, no, come on," he plead shaking his head, his eyes wide. "I didn't know before, when it mattered, I didn't know. The only reason I'm even telling you all of this is because I don't want you to find out later and think I lied to you or hid something from you," he reasoned. And yeah, it sounded reasonable, but the fact is, inside of me something was screaming, like flames were kissing my insides in a painful searing kiss and I couldn't hear anymore.

"Get out," I whispered, so quietly that had I not seen his body stiffen I would have thought he hadn't heard me.

"Bella-"

"Please, Edward, please," I begged, feeling vulnerable and exposed. "I struggle every fucking day of my life trying not to feel like a worthless piece of shit. Don't make me a charity case, don't make me your second chance at being the hero." I implored taking a deep breath, "Don't make me your do over." I said, lowering my head.

"You're not," he said defiantly. "I don't know what you are, but why I am here has nothing to do with pity, or redemption, or any other negative emotion you can come up with. I'm here because I feel," he said, putting his hand to his chest, "because I think it's where I'm supposed to be."

"I just need time, okay? I need to think and process and just...I need time," I said wearily.

"I'm not giving up," he said confidently. I gave him a sad smile, having heard those exact words so many times over the last few years, and led him to the door.

"We'll see," I said, closing the door behind him. I leaned my forehead against it for a moment after it clicked shut, my hands splayed out on either side of me head, before rolling my body off the door and falling into bed, feeling more alone tonight than I had in a long, long time.

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><p><strong>AN**

**So, yeah. I can't imagine that anyone would feel any different than Bella given her history and frame of mind. Even though WE get that he didn't know in the beginning, you can see how that would sting for her. Thank to Meg and Oh Werd for catching all my mistakes and giving very good suggestions to make this chapter better. Jules thanks for pre reading and always telling me I'm lovely. I think you're lovely too.**


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: No Copyright Infringement Intended**

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><p><strong>Chapter Twelve<strong>

"Bella, get up," Maggie yelled through the door. I groaned and rolled over, pulling my pillow over the top of my head to block out the sound of her voice.

"Come on, Bella, don't make me come in there and get you," she yelled again, an edge creeping into her voice. I sighed, fuck, can we have one morning where she doesn't have to play Dr. Phil and listen to how fucking pathetic my life is?

"I'm still sleepy," I argued weakly. My entire body felt like lead; maybe I was coming down with something.

"It's after two in the afternoon, you need to get your ass out of that bed now," she said, quieter this time. "You have five minutes then I'm coming in," she added before I heard her walk away from the door and back towards the living room. I peeked over at the clock, not believing it was already two in the afternoon. The red lights glowed back at me mockingly, displaying two fifteen on the screen.

I pushed myself into a sitting position, my entire body felt stiff, sore. I knew it was from thrashing around all night because of the horrible fucking dreams that plagued my sleep. I dragged my feet across the floor and into the bathroom, the sight that met me in the mirror was not unfamiliar, but didn't make the stabbing pain in my chest hurt any less. Thick, dark circles ringed puffy, swollen eyes. My face ashen, my hair matted.

The image needed to change, my face, my eyes, my hair, everything, _anything_. I braced myself against the sink, so fucking sick of everything. I spotted a pair of scissors on the counter top and clutched them in my hand, the cold metal biting into my skin, my face pulsing with pain from the rigid set of my jaw.

I ran my hand roughly through my hair, clumps pulling out from the knots, stinging pain shooting across my scalp.

"_I love your hair," Garrett sighed, running his hands through it from scalp to the tip. I smiled against his chest, my eyes heavy with sleep and the soft repetitive motion of his fingers._

"_Never cut it, okay?" he asked with a smile, giving me a soft kiss on my temple._

"_Never?" I questioned with a sleepy smile, exhausted from finishing up our first semester of finals._

"_I love you just the way you are, Iz. Never change baby," he whispered._

Fucking liar. Such a fucking liar. Always in my fucking head, always pulling me up, just to push me down. Always there, harsh words licking my ear, searing my mind, my heart, my soul. Without another thought I opened the scissors with one hand and clutched a handful of hair with the other. Fuck you Garrett.

"_You're pathetic."_

Cut.

"_You're nothing without me."_

Cut.

"_No one will ever love you."_

Cut.

My hair fell to the floor in waves, dropping in long winding twirls. I felt liberated, I felt lightened, I felt like I was taking fucking control for once.

"Bella!" Maggie screamed from behind me. "Fucking stop!" she begged, ripping the scissors from my hand.

"What have you done?" she asked hysterically, her hands frantically grasping my hair which now barely reached my shoulders. I tried to speak but realized that I was crying so hard all I could do was make a choking noise in the back of my throat. I sank to the floor, hair that once reached my waist clinging to my bare skin and blanketing the floor like a rug. I shook my head at her, my face cradled in my hands as I worked to regulate my breathing.

"I had to," I said, "I can't keep seeing the same image that he did. I needed to change something," I stressed, hoping she understood what I was doing. I didn't want to be sad anymore, I didn't want to see Garrett in my sleep, and I _never _wanted to feel like someone's fucking do over.

"Well," she sniffed, a sad smile on her face, "you can't leave it like this. You look like a butcher hacked off your hair." She laughed weakly, causing me to laugh as well. I had no doubt that I looked like a fucking nightmare right now.

"Okay, can you maybe cut it for me?" I asked not wanting to have to explain to some stranger that I chopped off all of my hair while in the middle of a fucking nervous breakdown.

"Bella," she began carefully, "you really fucked your hair up. I can't fix this." She grimaced, running her fingers through one side. I really shouldn't have been surprised, I'm nothing if not thorough in fucking things up. I sighed, knowing I was going to have to get this fixed, the sooner the better.

"I have an idea," Maggie started tentatively, "how about we take a break from all the bullshit and just go hang out today, you and me?" she asked, a smile stretching across her face. Maybe that's exactly what I needed, to get out of the house and go have some fun, just forget about everything and have a good day. I smiled at her, lifting the back of my hand to my face to wipe under my nose and in the process spreading loose hairs across my face. I grimaced, tugging the hairs off my face.

"I think I'm going to shower first," I said, my face wrinkled from the gross feeling of cut, wet hair on my face. Maggie laughed and stood from the floor, pulling me up with her.

"You do that. We'll leave in an hour?" she asked, walking out of the bathroom. I nodded my head and closed the door. After cleaning up the hair off the floor and showering I got dressed and met her out in the living room. She walked up behind me, twisted my hacked up hair in her hand, and stuck a ball cap over it, effectively hiding the damage I had done.

"Thanks."

"No problem," she smiled. "And I called my salon, got you in with my girl, but we need to leave now to get there on time," she said, walking towards the front door. I followed her out thinking that maybe a makeover wasn't such a bad idea after all.

By late afternoon, I had a new haircut, a pedicure, and two glasses of wine under my belt. Maggie and I joked and laughed about everything from crazy pickup lines we'd heard at the bar to her last trip to the grocery store. It was easy and light and exactly what I needed.

When I went to sleep that night with a full belly from take out and a cheesy smile lingering on my face from the crazy movie we'd just watched I couldn't help but think about how fucking lucky I was to have Maggie in my life. And if everything else went to shit, I had her, and that was enough for now.

The next day was a disaster from the time I woke. I overslept, burned breakfast, scalded my tongue from my coffee; which ended up on my shirt, and left my homework on my desk at home. By the time I got home, changed, and ready for work the last thing I was in the mood for was slinging drinks to a bunch of drunk assholes on a Monday night.

Pushing open the front door, I spotted Seth leaning against the bar, talking up a pretty blonde. I walked around the back of the counter and punched my time card, noticing he was smirking at me. He leaned over and whispered something in the girl's ear, causing her to giggle. I rolled my eyes at him, he was so full of shit. I'd never seen a guy flirt more or get more numbers than him, but he hardly ever called any of them. He said he wasn't against hook ups, and I knew there had been more than a few, but he always said he was just waiting for the one that "made time stop". He was such a romantic fool. Didn't he know that love was complete bullshit and the only thing it brought was heartache?

"I like the hair hot stuff," Seth said, waggling his eyebrows at me. I shook my head at him, used to his antics by now. He leaned forward in front of me and ducked down to meet my eyes. "Seriously, I dig it, it's...edgy," he added with a nod.

"You had a visitor earlier," he added with a smirk and raised brow. My entire body immediately stiffened, there were only a few people who would drop by here, none of which I was interested in seeing. Seth looked at me and scowled, his face showing annoyance.

"Come on Bella, if it was one of those assholes do you really think I'd be standing here and not in jail for attempted murder?" he asked, irritation coloring his tone.

"I'm sorry," I apologized immediately, knowing that he was telling the truth. Seth had repeatedly voiced his opinion of both Garrett and Peter and how he knew people who could make them "not be around anymore".

"So, who are you talking about?" I asked, realizing I had no idea who else would have come by here.

"Just some guy, that if I'm honest, was hot enough to make me swing the other way," he said with a lascivious smile. I stared at him for a second before realization hit. I sucked in a sharp breath, my heart beginning to race as who he was referring to sank in.

"Edward," I whispered, afraid if I said it any louder it may make it different somehow.

"If you are referring to the guy that did to Garrett what I've wanted to do since the day I met you, then yes, it was Edward," he said, a smirk pulling at the corner of his mouth.

"What did he want? Did he say? What was he doing here? Did he say he was coming back? Did he say he wasn't?" I asked rapidly, unsure what to make of the nervous energy shooting through my body. Seth's eyes widened comically as he put his hands up in front of him and backed away from me with exaggerated slowness. I stepped forward and smacked his arm, I didn't have time for his dramatics right now.

"Eager much?" he laughed, dodging my next assault.

"Just tell me," I hissed, quickly losing my patience.

"Okay, calm down crazy lady," he laughed, then quickly stopped when he noticed my glare. He cleared his throat, and looked away before leveling me with his gaze.

"He just asked if you were here and I told him that your shift didn't start till later. He asked if I could give you this," he said, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a folded piece of paper. I snatched it from his hand, feeling my face flame when I realized how I must have looked to Seth.

"I'll just..uhh..." I trailed off, moving towards the back of the bar so I could have a little privacy. Seth shook his head at me and made a shooing motion with his hands for me to go ahead and leave the bar.

I walked towards the bathroom, remembering the last time I was here and what had happened, before shoving the door open and stepping inside. I leaned against the back of the door, the same way I had done before and unfolded the note in my hands. The moment the words came into focus I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

_The first thing I noticed was your ass, not even gonna try and lie. You were bent over the bar yelling at the bartender and all I could think was 'oh my fucking god, that should be illegal.' Then you turned around, almost like you knew I was checking you out, and you smirked at me. Not smiled, or blushed, or looked embarrassed, or any other reaction that most girls have, you smirked and it fucking owned me. I had to know you, I had to. That's not changed for me. I'm not giving up._

_Edward_

I shook my head in disbelief, still not understanding why he was trying so hard. I knew there was some sort of connection, I'd be a liar if I said there wasn't, but was it enough? And what did the letter mean? Was he coming back? Was I supposed to do something now? I didn't have his phone number, I didn't know where he lived. I honestly didn't know anything about him other than he worked from home playing on his computer all day, may or may not still smoke a lot of pot, and had a best friend whose life is much more like my own than I am comfortable with.

I frowned at that last thought, remembering how we left things. I knew that he was just trying to be honest with me. I also understood what he was trying to tell me in the note he left, I may have a shitty self esteem, but I wasn't fucking clueless. Whatever attraction Edward felt towards me happened before he realized that my life was very similar to his ex-girlfriend slash best friend.

I didn't know what to do about this situation. Part of me just wanted to forget about him, tell him to have a nice life. I didn't need the complications, and as much as he said he was willing to be friends it was obvious by the way he was acting that he still expected more. Maybe if I just slept with him he would get me out of his system and my life could go back the way it was. But did I want things to go back the way they were? The though tof being involved with anyone for longer than one night made me feel sick. My experience with relationships had definitely made me gun shy to say the least.

I couldn't think about this right now though. I had a job to do, and hiding out in the bathroom wasn't going to make that happen. I shoved the note in my pocket and went back out to the bar, which was considerably busier than it was when I went in the bathroom.

"Sorry I took so long," I mumbled to Seth, pulling on my apron. He smiled at me over his shoulder and shrugged.

"No problem."

I decided to put Edward out of my head for the time being and try and get through the rest of the night. Working with Seth was so different from working with Maggie. For one thing he didn't have a serious bone in his body. He cracked jokes all night and flirted with anything that walked. By the time we closed up to go home my stomach burned and ached from laughing so hard.

A few days later I was standing in line at a coffee shop thinking about the new song I had stuck in my head when the person in front of me turned around, causing me to stop short. Heidi smiled as soon as she noticed me and stepped to the side. I placed my order and turned to leave when I noticed she had taken a seat at one of the corner tables and was motioning for me to join her. I took a deep breath and made my way over, sliding into the seat across from her.

"Hi," I said, settling into my seat.

"Hey, Bella. How have you been?" she asked before taking a tentative sip from her coffee. I didn't know if she had talked to Edward since the night I asked him to leave, and I hadn't seen or heard from him since the day I got his note. It bothered me more than I was willing to admit.

"Good. Fine. Busy." I answered with a nod. She hummed in response, setting her cup on the table and lacing her fingers together, propping her arms against the table.

"So..." she trailed off taking a deep breath, seemingly steeling herself before she started talking.

"I told Edward to back off," she blurted out then winced. I was taken aback by the bluntness of her words, both with the content and the delivery.

"Excuse me?" I asked, feeling my defenses rise. She sighed and scrubbed a hand over her face before letting it fall back onto the table.

"That didn't come out right," she started, biting her lip. "Look, I'm going to be honest with you, Edward and I are close, and he told me what happened. Please don't take offense to that, I practically had to torture it out of him," she added with a small smile. I kept my face impassive, hiding my inner freak-out. I didn't like that she knew things about me like that, I felt exposed and uncomfortable. She cleared her throat and shifted around in her seat.

"I have nothing against you Bella, but I love my brother, and he's been burned in the past. But, I have _never_, "she stressed, leaning towards me, "heard him talk about any girl the way he talked about you the day we spent together when I was here last. I mean, I honestly don't know what to make of it," she continued, almost like she was speaking to herself. "He is completely taken with you and it's making him push a little harder than you're probably comfortable with."

"Don't presume to know what I am and am not comfortable with," I cut in, annoyed with her implication that her interference was for my good. I'd had other people making decisions for me for far too long, if she was trying to appeal to me, she was doing a shitty job. She narrowed her eyes slightly before speaking.

"So you're saying if Edward had stopped by to see you the last couple of days, _like he wanted to_," she emphasized, "that you would've sat down and spoken with him?" she asked, folding her arms across her chest and leaning back in her chair.

"I don't see how that is any of your business, or your right to take that decision away from me," I said, my voice low and controlled. It didn't matter that she was absolutely fucking right, I knew that had he shown up I more than likely would have pushed him away. At least that's what I told my therapist this morning when she asked if I had seen Edward and if I had seen him what I would have done. She shook her head at me, a look akin to pity on her face.

"I didn't mean to upset you," she said quietly. "I don't want you to hate me, I have a feeling we'll be seeing each other often if my brother has any say about it. I just told him that, from a woman's point of view, after everything that happened with his friend and your ex that maybe you could use a couple of days to process everything." she finished, reaching into her purse and pulling out a piece of paper.

When she put it like that it didn't sound so bad. If she had said that in the first place, things might not feel so awkward and stiff right now. Then I realized she was probably just as nervous as I was, because I was fairly certain Edward was not expecting her to talk to me. I smiled at her, letting myself relax a little as I let her words roll around in my head.

If she was being honest with me, and I couldn't think of any reason she wouldn't be, then Edward had talked to her about me, extensively. And while it bugged me that he told her those things, I couldn't really be upset without looking like a total hypocrite. If I didn't have Maggie to confide in I would probably have went off the deep end a long time ago. We all needed a person, Heidi was his person, just like Maggie was mine. She slid a piece of paper in front of me with a number scrawled across the front.

"I know that I seem like I'm being pushy and interfering, but I just want to see my brother happy, and it seems like you could be the person to make that happen for him," she smiled, grabbed her things and stood from the table. Right before she turned and walked out the door she reached her hand out and brushed it against my shoulder.

"Please don't hurt him," she asked, her eyes soft. "His heart's too good to be broken." She turned and walked out the door, leaving me sitting with a cold cup of coffee and the phone number of the guy that seemed to be invading every aspect of my life.

I left the coffee shop and made my way home, warring with myself about what I should do. Should I give our friendship another shot? He went out on a limb and was honest with me about things that he was under no obligation to share, because he didn't want me to feel like I was being mislead. Normally I was kept in the dark about any and everything, being outright lied to at times.

I knew what Maggie would say, she would tell me to go for it. My therapist would ask me what I thought I should do, if I felt like I was ready to open myself up to someone new. But we were going to try and be friends, it wasn't like we were going to run off and get married or anything. I could do this, I wanted to do this.

I kicked off my shoes and headed to my room, falling onto my bed. I clutched my cell phone in my hand, staring at the keys like they would tell me what to do. Obviously I was losing my mind. I looked over at my night stand, noticing the letter that he had left for me at the bar, the paper worn from the number of times I had read and reread it. What was I doing? I clearly wanted to talk to him, why else would I have read that letter so many times? Why was I spending time with my therapist talking about him? Why did I dream about the way his breath felt against my skin as his lips grazed my cheek? I knew why, I was just too terrified to admit it. With a deep breath I flipped open my phone. I wasn't brave enough to call, but I could at least send a text message.

**Hi, it's Bella. Can we talk?**

I fidgeted nervously with my phone, checking to make sure the message sent, then checking again to make sure I didn't turn my phone off while messing with it. Less than a minute later it vibrated in my hand, causing me to jump and send it flying through the air. I scrambled to the end of the bed, snatching it up before it tumbled to the floor and opened the new message.

**Edward: When? Where? I'm free now. I can come to you. Whatever you want.**

I couldn't help but smile at how eager he seemed, my body flushing with nerves. Before I could respond my phone buzzed again. I looked down to see he had sent me another text.

**Edward: Is this really Bella? How did you get my number? I saw you toss it...**

This time I laughed, because I could almost picture him typing out his rapid fire questions much like I did with Seth at the bar earlier in the week. Feeling a little more comfortable that he really did want to talk to me I dialed his number and pressed send. It rang once before his voice floated across the line.

"Bella?" he asked, sounding anxious.

"Hi," I answered, lying back on my bed, a smile stretched across my face.

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><p><strong>AN Sorry this took so long, I really struggled with what I wanted to happen in this one. Thanks to Oh Werd who spent half her morning helping me fix this chapter and make it pretty. And thanks to Meg for being late going out last night to read over it and give me lots of good suggestions. Without them, y'all would egg me.**


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer: No Copyright Infringement Intended**

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><p><strong>Chapter Thirteen<strong>

After a somewhat awkward start to our conversation, things began to relax. We talked about his sister, which he repeatedly apologized for, but I assured him that it was fine. In all honesty, I knew that were it not for her, he and I wouldn't be talking right now. We chatted about our weekend, about his work, my classes, and all of the other little details that you share when you're getting to know someone. After finally deciding to meet for coffee the next day, we said our goodbyes.

As I laid in bed I thought about Edward and all of the bumps we had already hit in the short time we had known one another. He was funny and shy and, from what I could tell, every bit as different as he claimed to be. I really hoped this didn't come back to bite me in the ass, but at some point I had to take a chance, and it was just friendship, and coffee, I could definitely handle that.

The plan was to meet at the same coffee shop where I'd bumped into Heidi since it was close to school. I also knew that the chances of running into anyone from my past were slim to none since I'd never once seen them around here. If I was going to give our friendship an honest to goodness chance, having my past pop up and interrupt us every time we saw one another was going to have to stop.

The next day went as I expected and before I knew it, it was time to meet Edward. I was nervous and apprehensive, but the underlying excitement of seeing him pushed me forward. I had just reached out to push the door to the coffee shop open when an arm shot out from behind me, trapping me between the door and the body of the person behind me.

"Hey," Edward whispered in my ear, pushing the door open for me to walk through. I felt the hairs on my neck prick where his breath fanned across my skin, my muscles contracting quickly before relaxing. I blew out a heavy breath, surprised by the reaction his nearness brought me. _Friends, Bella._

"Hi." I smiled, looking over my shoulder at him, his face so close to my own, his lips pulled across his teeth in a shy smile. I felt a tugging of a memory, of a time when those lips had touched my own.

"_Bella," he whispered, a look of mischief dancing in his eyes._

"_Yes?" I knew what he wanted. He wanted what they all wanted, and I was definitely going to give it to him._

"_Can I kiss you?" he asked, his hand moving from my hip to my neck, cupping it underneath my hair._

"_I don't know. Can you?" I retorted, a smirk on my face, my brow arched in challenge. He rolled his eyes at me, but the smile pulling at the corner of his very kissable mouth let me know he was enjoying himself just as much as I was._

"_I'm going to kiss you now," he said, leaning forward, his eyes locked with mine._

"_If you must," I sighed, one hand raised in the air making a motion for him to carry on. _

_The moment his lips pressed to mine it was like someone pulled a curtain over my mind. Everything went black, silent. I expected his lips to be too wet, too soft, mushy; drunk lips as I'd always called them. But there was nothing mushy about his lips. They were wet, but in the way that you want them to be, and firm and soft, and fucking perfect. As his lips moved against mine, my breath shuddered out of my lungs and my body tensed. My arm that was lifted in the air immediately wrapped around his neck, my fingers winding in the hair at the nape of his neck, tugging him closer._

_He groaned into my mouth, his hand pulling my face impossibly closer, like he was trying to pull my body into his, fusing us together. I had never felt this way from a kiss, the blackness, soon replaced with bright, pulsing flashes of light, exploded behind my eyes as my body disconnected, floated, light and heavy at the same time. _

_He pulled away slowly, pressing_ _his lips to mine once, twice more, his breathing as choppy and uneven as my own. I slowly peeled my eyes open, wondering if I had just imagined the entire thing, but as soon as my vision cleared my eyes locked with vibrant green ones that seemed to stare straight into me. I felt like a piece of glass shattering into a million pieces as the raw power and force of a wrecking ball of emotions crashed into me, through me._

_My mind and body froze, the haze of alcohol momentarily suspended as my stomach twisted and turned with dread. I didn't understand what just happened and it terrified me that this one night stand suddenly felt like it was something else entirely._

"_Do you wanna get out of here?" he asked, one of his hands ghosting up my thigh, my muscles clenching under his touch. No, this wasn't right. Something was off; wrong. It felt like..._more_. I had to get out of here, no matter how attracted I was to this man in front of me. I felt like taking this step with him was going to fuck me over in the worst way._

"_Sure," I said, my smile strained. "Just let me run to the bathroom real quick, okay?" He nodded to me as I jumped off the stool and wobbled towards the bathroom. No matter how much the fog had lifted from my mind, my body was still heavily affected by the copious amounts of alcohol I had consumed._

_I saw a girl discreetly lifting a small glass container to her nose and sniffing, her eyes rolling back in her head as a huge smile stretched across her face. I knew what she had, and I knew that if I could talk to her, get close to her, I could get her to share. It would be the prefect chance for me to forget what I was feeling right now. I saw her get up and move towards the bathroom and I stumbled forward, bumping directly into her._

"...know what you want?" Edward asked, causing me to jerk. I realized I was standing in the front of the line at the coffee shop, the girl behind the counter tapping her fingers impatiently. I didn't remember walking through the door, much less waiting in line. I cleared my throat and ordered a plain coffee, my mind still too dazed to consider ordering anything more complicated. We got our coffee and found a table in the back corner, settling in across from one another.

"So..." he trailed off while I took a sip of my coffee. "You changed your hair," he commented, a small smile on his face. I had actually forgotten about it, and suddenly felt self conscious. My free hand reached up, tugging at the ends that used to be so much longer, the color much darker than the last time he had seen me.

"Yeah, I uh, decided I needed a haircut. I know that it's not like it was when you saw me last time." I wondered if he was disappointed that it no longer reached my waist and was now black instead of the dark brown that he remembered.

"No," he said, a little too loudly. "No, I like it, the dark color makes the gold flecks in your eyes really bright. They almost look like they're glowing, but in a really beautiful way, not in a freaky 'she has glowing eyes' kind of way," he rambled before closing his mouth abruptly, obviously trying to stop the word vomit he was spewing.

It was exactly what I needed to hear to make the tension disappear. I chuckled at him, not wanting him to feel uncomfortable, but unable to school my face entirely. He finally cracked a grin at me, his cheeks slightly pinked before he shook his head and ducked down to take a sip of his own coffee.

"I don't want this to be weird or awkward, but I need to be honest with you about a few things so that there isn't any confusion about where we stand with one another," I said. I had just left my session with my therapist, Sasha, who was very persistent that I lay out my expectations from the beginning so that we could start out on the right foot. Edward shifted in his seat, his posture straightening almost like he was preparing himself for the impact of my words.

"Okay, shoot."

"Well, first I just need to be clear that I can't handle anything more than friendship right now." I felt like I was going to vomit, I hadn't been this forward and bold with anyone in years. Were it not for Sasha basically prepping me for this conversation there was no way I'd be able to get through this.

"Second, I'm not oblivious to the fact that I'm attracted to you, because I am. I've remembered more of our night together so I have a better understanding of what it is that has you sitting here with me now, but I gotta say, it's the exact same thing that scares the shit out of me." By the time I finished speaking my hands were shaking, my stomach was twisting violently, and my mouth was flooding with saliva. I took a chance and looked up at Edward who was staring at me with a blank expression on his face. I wasn't exactly sure if that was a good or bad thing, but he had still yet to speak which was making me increasingly nervous.

"Will you say something, please?" I finally begged, becoming more and more unnerved by his silence.

"You think I'm hot," he stated. My head snapped up, my mouth hanging open as I gaped at him.

"Seriously, that's what you got from everything I just said? That I think you're hot? Not the part about only being able to handle friendship with you right now, and nothing more?" I was actually a little pissed that he chose to ignore the important part of my speech to him and chose to focus on the part that was definitely outside of the friend zone. The smile on his face never faltered, his eyes never leaving mine as he casually took a sip from his coffee.

"Oh, I heard you Bella, and I respect that. I'm just relieved that you didn't decide to give our friendship a shot because you felt sorry for the poor computer geek who stayed locked away in his apartment growing a hump on his back from never leaving his computer chair."

The image of Edward with a hump on his back was too much. I leaned my head on my arms that were folded on the table and lost it. I laughed loud, long, and hard because this ridiculous man had the ability to make even the most awkward of situations completely fucking vanish.

"You're insane," I choked out.

"I prefer uniquely witty but, yeah, insane works from time to time as well."

From that point on we talked about nothing and everything. I felt like maybe there was still a little bit of Edward that expected more than friendship from me, and honestly I couldn't say that I was completely against the possibility, but not now. I had no intention of hurting him by trying to start something that I just wasn't ready for.

It still didn't change the fact that over the next couple of weeks it seemed like more and more of my free time was spent hanging out with Edward. I had been to six more sessions with Sasha, who was very encouraged by the progress I was making with my friendship with Edward, school, and myself as well. I knew the last one was definitely going to require the most work. Not that I was expecting anything different; I had really let Garrett do a number on me, and that wasn't just going to go away overnight.

We had just closed the doors to the bar after ushering out the last of the lingering people when Edward came strolling in. He'd taken to stopping by the bar around closing and keeping me company while I closed up then walking me home. I told him that it was unnecessary, but he insisted it was just as good as time as any for us to hang out for a bit.

He'd recently started asking me to teach him how to play the guitar, which I eagerly agreed to. I loved spending time with him, but there was something about his wanting to learn something that was so very important to me that made me feel warm. However, the lessons weren't going exactly the way I'd hoped, in large part because it seemed that Edward didn't have a musical bone in his body.

After shutting everything down, which happened much more quickly with Edward's help, I decided to give him another shot at trying to play. We walked over towards the stage area and sat down facing one another, maybe the last couple of times were flukes and he'd just had a few off nights. Unfortunately, after about thirty minutes of cringe worthy mishaps, I couldn't take it anymore.

"Oh my God. Stop," I choked out, laughing. I lunged forward, splaying my hand out against Edward's as he made another attempt to strum the guitar. I shook my head at him sadly and gently pried my guitar from his hands.

"Maybe you should just, not try to play again, _ever_," I added, smiling at him. He really was terrible.

"What?" he asked, feigning surprise. "I thought that one sounded perfect." I clucked my tongue at him, there was no way he really believed that sounded perfect, it was a wonder both of our ears weren't bleeding at this point.

"Edward," I sighed, "that was, in no way, shape, or form, a G chord. You have to actually put pressure on the strings and not just rest the tips of your fingers over the area."

"But that shit hurts my fingers," he pouted, shoving his reddened fingers in my face for emphasis. I smacked his hand away from my face and narrowed my eyes at him playfully.

"I thought pot heads always had callused finger tips or something," I commented, thinking about a stoner that had gone to high school with me. I always envied how hard the tips of his fingers were. He said it was from the heat of his doobie burning his fingers when he got to the end.

"Pfft, I was a classy smoker. I used a bong," he deadpanned, causing me to double over in laughter. "Plus, I don't really smoke anymore. It seems that the things I always thought were hilarious back in college were not so funny to anyone who was sober."

"Surprise, surprise." I turned and set my guitar in its case, silently apologizing to it for having to make such terrible, out of tune sounds when I felt his fingers grasp onto my sides, his mouth right at my ear.

"You think you're funny, don't you?" he whispered, his fingers flexing into my sides. What happened next was completely beyond my control. I screamed, and then slammed my foot down on top of his. He let out a yelp, releasing me immediately. I spun around just in time to see him stumble back and land flat on his ass.

"Shit! I'm sorry! Are you okay?" I scrambled over to him, feeling bad that I'd made him fall, and possibly broken one of his toes, but I had no control over my actions when tickled.

"What the hell was that?" he asked, his face relaying his shock.

"I'm ticklish, okay? Like crazy, kick your ass strength of a thousand men to get the hell away ticklish." I noticed a red spot forming on his elbow and yanked his arm up which only cause him to fall and smack his head against the floor since his arm was what was holding him up in the first place.

"Ow, Bella, are you trying to kill me?" he asked with a chuckle. Shit, I was going to send him to the hospital before this night was over. I shook my head at him and lifted his arm noticing that his elbow had split and there was a little blood trickling down.

"You're bleeding. Just hold still, I'll be right back." I jumped to my feet and grabbed a cloth from the bar and the first aid kit that we kept underneath. Edward was still laying on his back when I walked back over to him, his eyes closed, I wondered if he was hurt more than I originally thought.

"Are you okay?" I grabbed his hand, pulling it in my lap so I could stretch out his arm and wipe his elbow clean. His eyes popped open, and he gave me a jerky nod of his head before letting it fall back to the floor, his eyes squeezing tightly shut once more. For the next couple of minutes the only sounds were the tearing of the paper surrounding the band-aid, the threaded pull when I peeled off the sticky tape and the quiet brushing of the pads of my fingers against the smooth texture of the band-aid as I pressed it over the small cut.

"All done," I said quietly, unmoving from my position. Edward opened his eyes and sat up slowly, his eyes boring into mine. I felt his hand flex on my thigh causing me to immediately look down. I didn't realize how high up on my leg I had laid his hand, his thumb with a simple sweep could cover my denim clad hip. His long fingers curving towards the inseam that ran down the length of my inner thigh.

I sucked in a breath, the air suddenly becoming thick; suffocating. I looked up at Edward, but his gaze was fixed on his hand, his fingers flexing once more. I felt like I was trapped in some strange fog, my limbs heavy and uncooperative. This was not friend zone feelings that were beginning to creep through my body, not that this was the first time Edward had touched me, because it seemed he was always touching me, but it was mainly innocent shoulder bumps and foot kicks.

He slid his hand down my thigh and back up once causing me to let out a shuddering breath. His eyes snapped to mind, his eyes blazing, his hand clenching my thigh tightly.

"Bella..." he breathed before leaning over and pressing his lips to mine. He didn't linger and he didn't push for more. It was soft and sweet and more intimate than if he had tried to stick his tongue down my throat. He pulled back and smiled at my shyly, releasing the hold he had on my leg and scooting back a bit, giving us both a little distance.

I sat there, frozen, unable or unwilling to process the explosion of warring emotions coursing through my body. Edward, obviously taking my silence for anger pulled his knees up to his chest, resting his elbows on them and running his hands roughly through his hair.

"I'm sorry," he said, his voice gritty, "I just, I know we're friends, and I know that I'm not supposed to want to kiss you, but I just, I couldn't help myself. I'm sorry," he said again, letting his head fall down.

"I'm not mad," I replied loudly, taken aback by the truth it my words. I wasn't mad, I did however have a boatload of conflicting emotions that needed to be sorted though before he did something like that to me again. Edward's head snapped up, his eyes meeting mine, relief clearly showing on his face.

"But you know I'm not ready yet, I need time," I reminded him, rising to my feet and reaching out a hand to pull him up as well. He grabbed my hand and hoisted himself up coming to stand in front of me.

"I'm know, and I'm not trying to push, it's just hard for me sometimes. I am a man, after all," he joked, spreading his arm out wide for emphasis.

"Yes, I'm aware." There was absolutely no question that Edward was a man, but he was also quickly becoming a close friend, and although I didn't always make the best decisions in choosing friends, being with Edward felt different and the thought that I could hurt him sent a wave of unease through me.

"I don't want to hurt you," I whispered. He nodded at me, a strange expression on his face that I couldn't quite read, but that caused that same wave of uneasiness to pass through me again. I felt like there was something that I should say, but I just wasn't sure what it was. As we reached my apartment door I turned to him and smiled, setting my guitar against the wall beside me.

I took a deep breath stepping close enough to him that our bodies were pressed together. I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him down until my cheek was pressed against his. I felt his body mold against mine, his arms wrapping around my waist and flexing, pulling me closer still. I turned my face until my lips met with the smoothness of his cheek and kissed him softly before pulling back. I felt a bit of resistance, his arms seemingly unwilling to let me go before his hold slackened and our bodies broke apart once more.

"I'm working on fixing me," I whispered, my nerves causing my entire body to shake, "but I want you to know that when I'm ready, I want to try with you." I looked down, completely freaked out that I was actually saying those words to him. What in the hell was I thinking, I was going to get fucked over again, and I had a feeling that this time would be so much fucking worse than the last. Oh my God, I felt like such a fucking fool all of a sudden.

"Well, thank God for that," Edward laughed. I looked up at him, my eyes surely as big as saucers, as I stared at this man I'd just somewhat confessed having feelings for. He pulled me into a quick hug before releasing me and stepping back.

"I have no game, no tricks up my sleeves, and being suave is so far out of my comfort zone I wouldn't even know where to start. But I can be loyal, and I can be genuine, and I can promise you that I will never treat you with anything other than the respect that you deserve."

I felt my eyes tear up, because everything he just said to me was exactly what he had showed me over the past couple of weeks. He really was a great person and I didn't know what I did to deserve him in my life, but I was grateful nonetheless.

"I don't know," I choked, trying to keep my emotions in check. "I think your game is just fine. I mean, you did compare my eyes to coffee and pretended to be a stain fighting super hero...if that's not game, I don't know what is." And then I laughed because I couldn't help it, and he laughed too and it was perfect.

"Okay, smart ass, you get inside and get some rest. I'll call you later?" he asked, backing away from me like he did every time he left my door. I laughed once more and nodded my head before turning and walking into my apartment. As soon as I closed the door my phone buzzed in my pocket. I pulled it out and noticed that it was a text message from Edward. As soon as I read the message I slid down to the floor and just laughed at his ridiculousness.

**Edward- Don't forget I totally perved on you and wrote a letter about the greatness of your ass. Skills, Bella, I may have them after all.**

And yeah, I had to agree, he may indeed have them after all.

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><p><strong>AN **

**First, I hope everyone had A Merry Christmas! Second, I'd like to thank my pimp iambeagle aka Meg aka the wine to my hoe for constantly pimping my story and just being generally awesome, she forever encourages me and supports me and I puffy her hard. And for the love of God thank you Oh Werd for taking the time to edit this bad boy line by line, taking away the paper bag that I was hyperventilating into, and telling me stop acting like the freak I am and post the damn chapter already. Without you two, I would lynch me.**


	14. Chapter 14

**Disclaimer: No Copyright Infringement Intended**

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><p><strong>Chapter Fourteen<strong>

"How long are you going to keep torturing that poor boy?" Maggie asked as she stood beside me, wiping the same spot on the bar that she'd been wiping for the past ten minutes. I looked up and followed her gaze, which was fixed on Edward as he chatted with a couple of the regulars.

"He's not the only one suffering," I muttered, wiping my own spot on the bar for far longer than necessary.

"Well, what exactly are you waiting for?"

"The other shoe to drop?" I joked, but not really, because things were just going too well for shit not to hit the fan sooner or later.

"Always so pessimistic," Maggie chided, swatting me with her wet dish towel.

"Who me?" I gasped, feigning shock. "Never."

I snuck another glance over at Edward, which turned out not to be so sneaky since he was staring directly at me, a small smile on his face. I grinned back at him, feeling silly for being embarrassed that he'd caught me staring, again.

"You two make my teeth ache." Maggie sighed dramatically, causing me to roll my eyes at her. "Seriously, B, what are you waiting for?" I darted my eyes around the bar, it was still early so the crowd was pretty thin, but I still didn't want anyone eavesdropping on our conversation.

"I'm fucking terrified Maggie, you know this," I stressed, feeling like I'd had this conversation a hundred times already. Which in actuality wasn't that far from the truth. It had been a few weeks since the night Edward had kissed me and I was finding myself more and more annoyed that he had yet to try again, but too afraid to make the first move myself.

Although the eighteen sessions with Sasha over the past six weeks had helped, erasing the last couple of years of insecurities was still slow going. It wasn't very encouraging either when Sasha told me that some of these scars may never heal, they just hurt less over time.

She did point out that I was lucky in one respect though, my life had not always been so cruel. I had decent parents, not perfect, but never harsh, and my friends were good until they weren't, which happened to coincide with the time that Garrett became completely unhinged.

And Garrett, however I feel about about him now, was not always a bad boyfriend. I knew what it felt like to be loved and treated with decency and respect. It still didn't make the years of ridicule and degradation any easier to forget, but it was time that I made a real effort with Edward. He had been exactly what I'd asked for, a friend, but we both knew that he wanted more. I wasn't entirely sure I was ready for more, but I sure as hell was ready to try.

As much as I attempted to communicate openly with Edward, I still felt myself struggling from time to time. But not tonight. Tonight I had a plan. I was going to sing and I really hoped he got it. I looked over at him and smiled, his responding smile lighting up his entire face up. I felt my stomach flutter with butterflies from the way this beautiful man made me feel when he stared at me. I walked over to where he was sitting and leaned over the bar a little.

"Hey, you," I said, grinning.

"Hey yourself."

"You need another beer?" I asked, already leaning down and popping the top off another one for him. He smiled and took a sip of his beer before smacking his lips together.

"Always taking such good care of me," he said with a grin. I rolled my eyes at him and grabbed the bar towel flung over my shoulder and whacked him with it.

"Abuse!" he yelled, his arm shooting out and grabbing the towel before I could fling it back over my shoulder.

"You'll live."

"I don't know. I might, I might not," he laughed, leaning in closer to me. "You getting ready to sing?" he asked, tugging on the end of my hair that had fallen over my shoulder. Butterflies exploded in my stomach as I thought about the song I had picked out to sing tonight. I'd already let the guys know that it would be the only one I did tonight.

"Uh, yeah," I stuttered, nerves rolling like waves through my body.

"Hey, you okay?"

"Uh huh." I nodded. He looked at me, concern etched on his face before he nodded and leaned back. "Well, get going then." He smiled at me making me feel dizzy and giddy.

I walked to the back of the bar and through the dressing room door, closing it behind me. I pulled out the worn piece of paper that was folded in my back pocket and read over the lyrics again. I didn't need to, I knew them by heart. I had them imprinted in the tips of my fingers where they pressed against the biting wire of the guitar strings, tattooed across my mind and heart, both still warring with one another over my decision.

I sucked in a deep breath and walked over to the mirror, taking a good look at myself. The image, so different visually, but still so similar on the inside; afraid and scarred. One step, one smile, one day, one heartbeat at a time. No more, no less.

I grabbed my guitar and made my way back out to the bar, scanning the room until my eyes landing on Edward. He'd moved to a table closer to the stage making my heart speed up and stop all at the same time. He would be close enough that even the blinding stage lights couldn't keep me from seeing the expression on his face, the posture of his body. His entire reaction would be on display to me, and I wasn't sure yet if that was a good thing or not.

"Hey everybody," I said lowly into the mic, adjusting the height and scooting the stool closer. I cleared my throat and took a big swallow of the water bottle beside me before leaning over the mic once more. "This is a new song, it's a little different. I hope you like it." I strummed my guitar, feeling the tight cords in my body loosen and relax, my eyes sliding shut as I connected with my music with my heart, my soul and let the words pour out of me that I couldn't say any other way.

_You wanted me,_  
><em>to let you in,<em>  
><em>but I was too afraid,<em>  
><em>to try and start again.<em>

_A girl in a bar,_  
><em>blending in the dark,<em>  
><em>lost in her head,<em>  
><em>her heart, filled with dread.<em>

_I pushed you away,  
>didn't want you to stay,<br>but you refused  
>asking for a chance; just to prove<em>

_You meant me no harm,  
>you were so full of charm<br>causing my walls to come crumbling down_

_You stood by me,  
>you held my hand,<br>and now I think,  
>I'm starting to understand<em>

_Starting to believe,  
>starting to see,<br>that spark of hope you promised to show me_

_I'm ready to try,  
>to let you in,<br>I'm ready for our story to finally begin._

I opened my eyes looking to where I had last seen Edward, finding the table empty, his beer bottle abandoned. I gritted my teeth, biting back the emotions that were fighting, battling to be set free. Not yet, just a little longer. I felt the edges of my mind starting to fray and peel, Garrett's voice taunting and begging to be set free, to wreak havoc on all of the progress I'd made recently.

"Thank you." I jumped up from the stool, letting my guitar fall against my thigh and blindly walking off the stage. As soon as I had stepped down I was immediately wrapped in strong, familiar arms. I jumped in surprise, not even considering that he had left his seat to meet me at the bottom of the stage. He grabbed my hand, pulling me towards the hall, away from the stairs and helped me yank the guitar strap over my head. He cupped his hands around the back of my neck, his eyes searching mine, a smile lighting up his entire face.

"Do you mean it?" he whispered.

"Yes."

"Please?" he asked, leaning his face closer to mine. I nodded my head, having no breath in my lungs to actually speak the words granting him permission. He pulled me closer and pressed his lips to mine, he kissed me soft and slow, tentative, almost like he was afraid that I would pull away if he did more. But that fire, oh god, that fire I remembered from our first kiss seared through my veins and incinerated any thoughts of maintaining control. I wrapped my arms around his neck, wanting his body touching every part of my body, wanting this feeling, this rush to never end.

He kissed me then, just as desperately as I kissed him, walking forward until my back was pressed against the cold, concrete wall. His arms immediately wrapping protectively around me, pulling me back towards his body, creating a barrier between me and the wall. I lost all sense of time and reason, no awareness of my surroundings as I drowned myself in the kiss, in Edward.

Panting, he pulled back, resting his forehead against mine. He tilted his chin up and placed a kiss on the tip of my nose, causing me to giggle. He chuckled with me, his arms hugging me tightly to his body. My arms were still wound around his neck, my fingers playing with the hair at the nape of his neck, matching smiles on both our faces.

"You wanna go watch a movie?" he asked, still unmoved from our position.

"Sure, but I get to pick this time. Your taste in movies sucks." I laughed, releasing his hair and reluctantly stepping back, his body stumbling forward a bit, seemingly unwilling to let me go.

"Fine, as long as we have popcorn I can handle anything." We walked out the bar hand in hand, Maggie grinning at us like a loon. The entire walk to the apartment we held hands, it felt like an invisible rope had been tied around our wrists, binding us to one another now that the decision to cross the imaginary boundaries had been made.

Edward took over the popcorn duty while I ran back into my room, changing into more comfortable clothes and washing my face from the sweat and grime of the bar. I padded back to the living room in socked feet, moving over to my DVD collection to figure out what movie we'd watch tonight. The last couple we'd watched had been movies that Edward had brought over and I was lucky to make it halfway through before I was either falling asleep or hoping for a massive power outage.

"So, what are we watching?" Edward asked, plopping down onto the couch.

"Well, lets see," I said, scanning some of my favorite movies. "I have _The Doors_,_ La Bamba_,_ High Fidelity_?" I asked, peeking at him over my shoulder. He shook his head no, his eyes focused on the wall opposite of me. I huffed out a breath and looked through the movies again.

"Okay, how about _Ray_, or _A Coal Miners Daughter_? Oh, I know, _Walk the Line_," I said, grabbing the movie from the rack and waving it above my head. I spun around and caught a glimpse of Edward right before his head whipped to the side, his eyes focused on the same spot he had been staring at when I looked at him the first time. I followed his line of sight and noticed that he was staring at...nothing. What in the hell was he doing? I started to ask when I remember what I had changed into while I was in my bedroom. I was wearing a pair of shorts that were very similar to the boy shorts I had on the first morning Edward had shown up at my apartment.

A sly smile crept across my face as I realized that I had just caught Edward staring at my ass. It made me giddy and embarrassed, feeling shy that so much of my body was exposed, but loving the fact that he couldn't stop staring at it.

"What exactly is it that you find so very interesting on that bare wall over there?" I asked, walking over to the couch. And okay, I might have put a little unnecessary sway in my hips, which did not go unnoticed by Edward, but, fuck, it felt good to have someone look at me the way he did.

"I, uh, the paint is nice," he said, more like a question.

"Yeah? Eggshell is all the rage right now," I said, grinning as he rolled his eyes at me and snatched the DVD out of my hand.

"Do you have any movies that aren't about music?" he asked, getting off the couch to pop the DVD in.

"Now why would you ask a silly question like that? Of course I do. I have all of Quentin Tarantino's movies. Would you rather watch one of those instead?" He pulled a face at me before shaking his head.

"You know, I think I've watched _Pulp Fiction_ a couple dozen times and I still don't know what the hell that movie is about. I even watched it high thinking that surely if I was stoned I could figure out what the fuck was going on." He laughed, sitting down on the couch beside me. He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and pulled me into his side. It was new and exciting, but natural and familiar. It felt exactly right.

"So, no_ Pulp Fiction_?"

"No, Bella, no_ Pulp Fictio_n."

The movie started and I snuggled into his side, his hand running up and down the length of my arm, occasionally stopping to play with the ends of my hair before starting the circuit again. Halfway through the movie I started to get a chill, my body shaking slightly. Just as I was about to get up and grab a blanket, Edward leaned in close, his nose brushing against my cheek.

"Are you cold?" he whispered, his breath raising goosebumps on my skin. I nodded, my heart racing, my hands flexing, wanting so badly to touch, and hold, and explore parts of his body that I knew I wasn't ready to. He pulled his arm from around my shoulder, leaning over to grab the quilt from the arm of the couch before returning to his spot and draping the blanket over the back of the couch.

"Here, sit up for a second," he instructed, kicking off his shoes and leaning against the arm of the couch. He pulled one of his long jean clad legs behind me, straightening it out along the length of the back of the couch.

"C'mere." He reached out his hand making a grabbing motion for me to take his hand, then pulling me to lie between his legs. I settled in as he draped the blanket over us, fisting his shirt in one hand as I wound the other around his back. He slid one of his legs in between mine, twining and twisting our bodies into a human pretzel. I felt safe, secure, and completely blissed out as we watched Johnny and June fall in love right before our eyes.

"Hey, Bella." I felt fingers brushing against my face, lips ghosting over my temple, warmth and strength surrounding me. "Bella," the voice called again, pulling me further into consciousness.

"Edward?" I mumbled sleepily, my eyes squinting against the bright solid blue screen of the television. My body felt heavy, weighted, but rested and relaxed, more content than it had been in longer than I could remember.

"We fell asleep."

"Really? I thought maybe I had died and this was heaven," I joked, stretching and sitting up. Edward grabbed my shoulder and pulled me back down, hugging me close before speaking quietly.

"I can't imagine it would feel much different." I pulled back to look at him, his eyes heavy with sleep, but the contented smile on his face was hard to miss.

"Do you wanna stay?" I asked, feeling bad that he'd have to get out in this weather so late at night.

"I can't. I have a conference call in the morning, and if I stay, I have a feeling that I wouldn't want to leave."

"Okay." I sighed and stood, pulling him with me. "I had a really great time tonight. I just wanted you to know that, in case I didn't tell you, or something..." I trailed off, tapping my thumb to the pads of my fingers rapidly.

"Bella, you have no idea how much what you did tonight, what you're trying to do, means to me, do you?" he asked, stepping closer to me. I shook my head at him. I knew he liked me, I still just didn't fully grasp what it was about me that kept him coming back. He shook his head at me, smiling, almost like he knew exactly what I was thinking.

"I'll call you tomorrow?" he asked, still grinning.

"You better." I walked him to the door, our fingers linked loosely together.

"Be careful," I said as he pulled me close and kissed me breathless. He laughed at my dazed expression and turned the door handle stepping into the hall. I caught a glimpse of something falling to the floor and cranked my neck around Edward to see what had fallen to the floor. What I saw caused my entire body to stiffen and my blood to run cold.

"What's that?" Edward asked, reaching down and picking up the flower from the floor.

"A Casablanca Lily," I answered numbly, dread seeping into my bones.

"What's it doing here? Hey, are you okay?" Edward asked, finally turning to look at me. I immediately wiped my face clear, smoothing out my features, schooling my face into a mask of indifference.

"I'm fine, everything's fine."

"Bella, you're freaking me out. You look really pale." I shook my head, I had to get my shit together. I could fall apart after Edward left. I looked up and smiled, pulling the flower from his hand and raising up on my toes to press my lips to his. He was hesitant at first, probably confused by my demeanor, but finally wrapped me in his arms before stepping back.

"It's probably for Maggie. She's been dating a new guy, it's her favorite," I lied, feeling like shit as soon as the words left my lips. He eyed me for a second before nodding his head and backing away from me like he always did.

"Tomorrow," he called before turning and heading down the stairs.

I moved inside of the apartment, slamming the door behind me and turning the locks into place before collapsing to the floor. I flung the offending flower as far away from me as possible and I stared at it, wondering what the fuck it meant. Why now? The only question I didn't have was who, because I knew as surely as the sun would rise that Garrett had left that flower at my door, _my_ favorite flower.

* * *

><p><strong>AN **

**Say what? ANOTHER update? Yeah, the in laws being in town caused me to hide in my room, a lot. Thanks to Meg for nudging me to take it easy in this chapter, believe me, you guys should thank her, too. Thanks to Oh Werd for dubbing me the Queen of Run On Sentences, then fixing the shit out of them. I promise to try and get the next chapter out as soon as possible, hope you guys are still with me!**


	15. Chapter 15

**Disclaimer: I don't own it.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Fifteen<strong>

I watched as sunlight slowly filtered in through my window. Soft light casting long shadows across the length of the room. I lay motionless, staring at the ceiling. I wasn't sure how much sleep I'd actually gotten last night, but when sleep did pull me into its grasp it was not a place I wanted to stay.

I was confused, angry, and a little more than freaked out if I was being honest. I also had a sick feeling of deceit in the pit of my stomach for not being honest with Edward. But goddamn it, we'd just had the most amazing night and the last thing I wanted to do was inform him that my asshole ex-boyfriend had decided to drop by and leave a flower on the door like a fucking stalker.

What did it mean? What did he want? Why did it feel threatening? This certainly wasn't the first time he'd try to get my attention since I'd left him, but I honestly believed he'd taken the hint after what Edward did to his face.

I pulled my body from the bed, all of the peaceful, contented sleep I'd had while lying in Edward's arms had been wiped away, leaving me sluggish and worn. I ambled into the kitchen, surprised to see the light on and even more surprised to find Maggie sitting at the kitchen table. But she wasn't looking at me, instead staring intently at the flower pinched between her fingers as she spun it around and around like a pinwheel.

"You wanna tell me about this?" she asked, still not making eye contact with me. I sighed, pulling out the chair across from her, the wooden seat hard and cold, sending chill bumps across the tops of my thighs. I pulled my knees to my chest and watched as she spun the flower by its stem back and forth, not entirely sure what she had cooked up in that head of hers.

"What makes you think there's anything to tell?" I asked, yanking the too-large shirt I'd slipped on over my knees and down to my feet, trying to create a barrier, a shield from the outside world that just wouldn't give me a fucking break.

"Well," she said sharply, "when I came home this was in the middle of the floor, so I'm assuming it's safe to say that Edward didn't give it to you. And two, I was scared out of a dead sleep three times last night from your screaming and crying." She flicked the flower down onto the table and crossed her arms.

"So Bella, tell me, how many people would come by and give you your favorite flower? Because I'm racking my brain, and the only person I can think of doesn't get to contaminate my living space," she finished angrily, causing my head to snap up.

"You think I let him in here? I didn't even see him, it was on the fucking door when Edward left and I didn't know what to do so I told Edward it was for you!" I yelled, hurt that she thought I would allow him back into my life so readily. She stared at me in confusion, her brows pulled down into a deep V, a myriad of emotions flickering across her face, before finally settling on concern.

"Shit, Bella, I'm sorry. I don't know what the fuck I'm saying. That was out of line, I know how hard you've been trying. Fuck," she swore, rubbing the palms of her hands into her eyes roughly.

I was still pissed, it had been almost eight months since I left Garrett, and I knew I'd been a fucking mess for six of those, but I really felt like the last two months were a big fucking deal. I stared at her in silence. Maggie had stood by me and supported me through so much. She was my best friend, but that didn't get her a free pass. She kept her head down, her palms now resting on her forehead, elbows propped on top of the table.

"You are so fucking close to having it all, everything you have ever wanted, everything you deserve. I'm just so scared that mother fucker is going to do something to ruin it. But that doesn't mean that I should doubt you, because you have come so far. Please don't be mad at me."

"Don't do that again, okay? I doubt myself enough everyday. I need you to be my person, I need you to talk me off the ledge." I looked down at my hands. I spoke in a joking tone, but I was completely serious.

"I won't, I promise. But Bella, this is kinda fucking creepy," she said, nodding her head towards the flower. I stared at it for a second, noticing how the edges were starting to curl in, darkening from the pristine white to a light brown. Dying.

"I know. I don't know what to do. Should I confront him?"

"No!" she yelled so loudly that I almost fell out of my chair. "Bella, do not go anywhere near that crazy fucker. And you need to tell Edward." I knew she was going to say that, and I knew that she was right, but that didn't change the fact that I really didn't fucking want to. He had been so amazing since the day I met him, and I was so fucking scared that the next thing that happened would be the one to push him over the edge. That he'd had his fill and if I added one more fucking issue to the pile it would send it all crumbling down.

"I know," I agreed.

"But you're not going to are you?" she asked quietly.

I shook my head at her. I needed to figure this shit out first.

"Not yet." I needed to see if this was a one time thing. Maybe Garrett was just fucked up and being fucking weird. Maybe he was sorry and that was his attempt at apologizing. I shook my head at myself. Maybe the old Garrett would have done something like that, but the new one only gave a fuck about one thing these days, and it certainly wasn't making amends with me.

"Just promise me that if anything else happens you'll tell me, okay?" I nodded my head again then straightened out my legs and stood from the table.

"I think I'm going to try and go lay back down. As you pointed out, last night wasn't the best sleep I've had." I grabbed the flower and tossed it in the trash before walking back to my room and flopping on my bed, pulling my pillow over my face. I closed my eyes knowing that even a few hours sleep would be better than what I'd had last night.

Sometime later I was dragged from sleep by a persistent noise tickling at my ear. I swatted my hand in the air, whatever was buzzing around my head was really starting to piss me off. I heard a giggle and cracked open an eye to find Maggie standing over me, holding my buzzing cell phone in her hand.

"I'm calling in sick," I mumbled sleepily, rolling over and pulling the sheet over my head.

"Sick to where? You're not working today."

"Life."

"What? Bella, you aren't making a damn bit of sense." I huffed and flung the sheet back before rolling over and snatching the phone from her hand.

"Life. I'm calling in sick to life today," I answered, squinting my eyes to see who was making my phone be all loud and...buzzy. Maggie let out a loud, abrupt laugh as she stared at me wide-eyed.

"Well, that's a new one Bella. I see sleep hasn't lessened your smart ass sarcasm any. Good to know," she finished as I flipped her off. Not that it mattered, she was already walking out of the room, laughing all the way. And now fucking Jingle Bells was going to be stuck in my head. Awesome.

I looked down at my phone and noticed I had two text messages, both from Edward. I couldn't help the smile that pulled across my face. Maybe I'd hold off on the whole calling in sick to life thing after all.

**Do you think an ink pen could work in a pinch instead of an icepick for this lobotomy I'm about to give myself? -Edward **

I made a sound somewhere between a gasp and a snort, it was completely fucking bizarre and I really hoped I never made that sound in public. I opened his next text and just shook my head. He was such a goof.

**Just poked myself in the eye with said pen. It hurt. I think I'll pass on the lobotomy today. What are you doing? -Edward**

I looked at the time and saw that he'd texted me about an hour ago. I also noticed that it was one in the afternoon. Shit, I had a meeting with Sasha in two hours, I had to get moving. I had a feeling this session was not going to be fun. I opened my text box and replied to him before I hopped out of bed to take a shower.

**Just got out of bed. Glad all of your brain is still intact. :) -Bella**

I had just dropped my phone on the bed with it started buzzing again. I snatched it up knowing it was Mr. Speedy Mctexter.

**Are you sick?- Edward**

Before I could reply my phone started ringing. I laughed, secretly loving how he was always so worried about me, and answered the phone.

"Hi."

"Hey, is everything okay?"

"Yeah, I just didn't get much sleep so I went back to bed this morning and slept a lot longer than I meant to." I pulled out some clothes to take to the bathroom with me.

"Umhum."

"What? What's with the umhum?" I asked, freezing into place. Something sounded weird about his noise. Or maybe I was being paranoid and losing my fucking mind because I had lied to him last night.

"So what are you doing today?" he asked, changing the subject on me so quickly that my head was spinning. I was quiet for a second, trying to figure out exactly what the hell just happened when he called my name again.

"Oh, right, yeah, I uh, have an appointment at three today, then a class from four-thirty to five-thirty. After that I'm wide open," I said, heading into the bathroom. Edward started choking on the phone and I had to roll my eyes at him. He may be a little nerdy, but underneath it all a pervy guy is always lurking.

"So you wanna hang out tonight?"

"Yeah, sure, but can we go out, or maybe to your place? I don't really feel like being cooped up here again tonight," I answered, realizing that my main reason for not wanting to be here was because I was afraid Garrett might show back up again. Edward hesitated for a second before answering with a slight strain in his voice that wasn't there before.

"Sure. How about we meet at the coffee shop then we'll figure out what we want to do from there."

"Are you okay?" I asked, because fuck, my stomach was twisting and feeling weird and I didn't like that shit at all.

"Hey, I'm fine," he said softly, and more like himself.

"Okay, so I'll see you later?"

"Later," he agreed.

After my phone call with Edward I was in a funk the rest of the afternoon. I was so fucking conflicted that I even started snapping at Sasha, every time I asked her what she thought I should do, she would turn it back around on me and ask what_ I_ thought I should do. If I knew the answer to that I wouldn't be asking her.

She asked me the same question a million different ways and every time my answer was the same. Why didn't I want to tell Edward about the flower? And my answer was always because I was scared. I was scared this would be the last straw, the final nail. I knew I sounded pessimistic and probably wasn't giving Edward enough credit, but what if I did and it blew up in my face?

Edward was the first person since Maggie that I actually cared about losing. The thought of it burned a hole in my stomach like acid through concrete. I was so bad at this shit, and I had made so many bad decisions in my life that I just didn't trust myself to choose the right path.

I lost myself in music history for the next hour, trying to work though all the jumbled thoughts in my head. Telling him and hoping for the best, not telling him and hoping for the best...I felt like whatever decision I made ran the risk of him walking away. What if it was nothing? Just a fluke. What if nothing else happened, but because I told Edward he worried about things unnecessarily?

We had already started off so rocky. No. I would wait. If anything else happened, then I would tell him right away and hope that he forgave me for keeping this from him. But for now I had a date to meet and I was going to be there with him, physically and mentally.

By the time I reached the coffee shop I had a smile on my face that wouldn't be contained. And when I saw Edward about to open the door I didn't think twice about running to catch him and throwing my arm out to push the door open, trapping him between my body and the glass door, just like he'd done with me the last time we met here.

"Hi," I said, smiling. He turned around, our position like before, his face so close to mine. He leaned down, his lips softly brushing against mine once, twice, before pulling away and smiling.

"Hey."

We stood there, smiling at each other like fools until someone pulled the door open, causing us to jump. We laughed and moved for them to pass before heading inside. After we ordered we made our way to a booth in the back of the shop. I slid in, jumping when I felt Edward slide in beside me, his arm coming around my shoulder.

"What?" he asked, taking in my shocked face. "Is this okay?" He looked a little nervous, embarrassed maybe?

"Yeah, no, it's fine, it's good, it's perfect," I rambled nervously. "You just caught me off guard." He really had no idea how true that statement was.

"I just missed you today," he shrugged, settling into the seat, relaxing.

"You just saw me last night," I laughed. There was no way he already missed me, he was insane. It made sense that I had thought about him all day, he was funny and sweet and good, I was...still trying to figure out why he thought I was worth the effort.

"Yeah, well, what does that matter? I've missed you in less time," he said with a laugh, but there was something in his tone that made me wonder how much he really was joking.

"So, what are we doing tonight?" I wanted to change the subject. As much as I wanted this to work, I needed to take baby steps with things like this the most. He grinned at me in a way that make my heart rate jump, from both nerves and excitement.

"We're going ice skating."

"No." I shook my head. No fucking way. I would die. Immediately. I looked over at Edward who was nodding his head yes at the same pace that I was shaking mine no. We must have looked ridiculous.

"C'mon, it'll be fun."

"There is nothing fun about falling on my ass onto a hard sheet of ice while wearing blades on my feet. No. Just...no."

"We're doing this, c'mon, I got you," he said, sliding out of the booth and holding his hand out to me. I looked at it skeptically, causing him to laugh and reach down and grab my hand, pulling me from the booth.

"Fine, but when I end up in the hospital it's your conscience, buddy."

By the time we made it to the skating rink my palms were sweating. And when the skates were securely attached to my feet I felt dizzy. The moment my unsteady feet finally hit the ice I felt like I was going to vomit.

"I can't do this," I plead, hanging onto the railing for dear life.

"Sure you can, now move your ass, woman," he said playfully. I gaped at him, what the?

"Did you...did you just call me woman?" It seemed so weird coming from his mouth, and kinda hot if I was being honest.

"Sorry?" he asked, but he wasn't sorry. He was grinning like mad.

"I'm going to fall," I whined. He pushed closer to me, cupping the underside of my jaw with both hands before looking at me seriously.

"I won't let you fall, I promise." Then he leaned in and kissed me once, pulling away briefly before leaning in and pressing his lips to mine once more. I slowly opened my eyes, momentarily lost in his gaze as he stared down at me, his expressive eyes held so much warmth, and something else that I wasn't ready to even consider deciphering right now.

"Why do you always do that?" I whispered, not wanting to ruin this perfect moment of peacefulness.

"Do what?" he asked, his brows furrowed.

"Kiss me twice, you always to that." His face broke into such a most beautiful smile that it physically made my chest ache. He swept his fingers across my cheeks once more, before moving his hands down my shoulders to my hands, taking both into his.

"Because," he shrugged, "kissing you once isn't enough."

I was so stunned by his statement that we were halfway around the rink before I even realized we was moving. I jumped, startled, and looked up at Edward who was skating backwards so that he was facing me, holding both of my hands in his.

"Shit," I whispered, trying to recover from his statement as well as the fact that I was now on the ice, skating.

"So, I kind of have you at a disadvantage here," he remarked, a look of smugness plastered across his face.

"Oh yeah, I didn't notice that at all," I retorted, rolling my eyes. Apparently fear kicked up my sarcasm meter.

"You were supposed to ask me how."

"But I know how. Why was I supposed to ask?"

"So I could demonstrate," he said, releasing one of hands and spinning quickly to my side. I screamed, reaching forward to grab his hand back only to have the toe of my skate dig into the ice and cause me to pitch forward. I was prepared for the fall, ready for it even. At least that way I'd stop moving. But Edward's arms caged around me, pulling my back flush against his body and digging the toe of his skate into the ice to stop our momentum.

He leaned down, using his nose to nudge the hair away from my neck as his warm breath fanned across my skin.

"See, I told you I wouldn't let you fall." I felt my body relax back into his as we stood with his around circling me, people flying past us talking and laughing like they were on fast forward and we were on pause. Stopped. In our own bubble.

"That...was not fun at all," I breathed, my hand coming up to cover his forearm over my racing heart.

"It wasn't that bad," he laughed, loosening his hold on me.

"It really was, let's not do that again," I said seriously, still freaked out about my near face plant.

"Okay, okay, come on, I'll take it easy." On our third loop he looked over and smiled at me, I'd finally gotten a little more steady on my feet so it was a little easier to talk now that my jaw wasn't firmly locked in place.

"Gel or Paste?" I gave him a quick side eye before just deciding to go with it. The boy obviously was crazy.

"Paste." Gel never feels like it gets my teeth clean.

"Oh thank God, this might have to end if you'd said gel," he joked.

For the next hour we laughed, stumbled, and joked as he continued to ask me the most random questions he could think of. There were no thoughts of ex-boyfriends, no creepy flowers, no looming sense of dread hanging over our heads...just us, and it was perfect.

When he walked me to the door that night our fingers tangled together, our cheeks flushed from the cold, I didn't question when he pressed his lips to mine. His tongue swept softly over my lips before gently entering my mouth, his lips covering mine. And when he pulled back only to press his lips to mine once more I couldn't contain my smile knowing that just one kiss wasn't enough for him. It wasn't enough for me either. I wasn't sure it ever would be.

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><p><strong>AN**

**Hiya! Sorry for the delay, but the last chapter of Dirt Roads took a lot out of me. So this will be my new posting day. I started another story, because I'm insane and it will post on Tuesdays. If you haven't read it, check it out. Thanks to Meg and Oh Werd for being the best betas ever, even if they did highlight entire sentences with the only comment as ummmmm. Yeah, thanks for that. Are you reading Meg's new fic The Shadow that Remains? Uh, dew it. So freaking good! Thanks for reading!**


	16. Chapter 16

**Disclaimer: I don't own it.**

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><p><strong>Chapter Sixteen<strong>

"Three of a kind," Edward said smugly, laying down three tens. I pursed my lips, shuffling the cards around in my hand before letting an impish grin stretch across my face. The smug look on his face faltered as his eyes narrowed suspiciously.

"Full house," I sighed dramatically, laying my cards beside his.

"Are you kidding me right now?" he asked incredulously. "How is that even possible?"

I laughed at him. I really had no idea how I'd managed to win the last five hands, but I wasn't complaining about it. Edward shook his head at me, his lips forming a small pout.

"We can go watch Jeopardy if you'd like. I have no doubt that you'd kick my ass every time playing that."

He gasped in mock outrage. "Are you calling me a nerd?"

"If the shoe fits..." I trailed off shrugging, trying my best to keep a straight face. His lips curved up into a mischievous smile as he slowly placed the remainder of his cards on the floor. He leaned forward, coming up on his knees, his hands resting on the top of his thighs.

"I think you've been cheating," he said lowly, moving his hands until they were flat on the floor, his face only inches from mine where I sat cross-legged on the floor.

"I haven't been cheating," I said shakily, his proximity making me dizzy. "How would I cheat?"

"I think you have cards hidden somewhere," he said, his hand skimming up my thigh to my waist, his thumb pushing under the bottom of my shirt, "maybe here," he whispered before bringing his lips to mine.

He pressed his body forward, pushing me until I was on my back, his body hovering over mine. He continued to kiss me as his hand moved further under my shirt, his fingers dancing along the bottom of my bra. He pulled back, his breathing harsh and jagged as he looked at me, his eyes dark. His fingers continued to sweep across my ribcage making my lungs feel tight, anticipation rendering me immobile as I lay rigidly beneath him.

"Is this okay?" His voice was strained, thick. I fought to pull air into my lungs, to tell him that is was more than okay, but all I could manage was a stiff jerk of my head before his lips descended upon mine once more.

His hand slid up until it covered my breast fully, squeezing and caressing with just the right amount of pressure. My back arched, pushing my body flush with his as I slipped my hands under his shirt, running my fingertips along the long, lean muscles of his back. His hips flexed, the feel of him hard and thick pressing against me roughly caused my pulse to throb, a constant drum beat thundering in my ears.

"Oh god," I whispered as his mouth moved to my neck, his tongue sliding along my skin. He kissed it once before grazing his teeth along the tender flesh at the back of my neck. My eyes rolled back, my teeth digging into my bottom lip as tingles shot down my spine. The muscle on my neck where his teeth scraped tightened and jumped. The pounding of my pulse all but silenced by the throbbing ache between my legs. I raised my hips to his, needing friction, relief, release.

"Fuck," he choked out, his face buried in the crook of my neck. His hand moved over my breast, pushing the fabric of my bra away until flesh met flesh. His touch searing as he rolled his thumb across my nipple causing it to harden.

"Edward," I pleaded, my voice rough and strained as I rocked against him. He brought his other arm up, winding it under mine and across my back until his hand curved around my opposite shoulder. His grip tightened, anchoring my body to his as me began to push against me. His hips curved up, thrusting against me _right there _as his mouth molded to mine, our panting breaths echoing into the quiet stillness of a room that had all but faded from my consciousness.

Heat began to spread through my limbs, blood rushing like fire to the center of my body as my stomach muscles clenched. Edward's fingers dug into my shoulder as he pulled me impossibly closer, pushing against me harder, faster; and then I was falling. Wave after wave of pleasure raced through my limbs, cooling the fire as quickly as it came, soothing and numbing, leaving me weightless. Edward thrust once more, a quiet curse escaping from his parted lips as his body tightened and then ever so slowly relaxed. His fingers loosened and fell away from my shoulder, his face lowering until his forehead rested against mine. Our eyes locked briefly before he smiled sweetly and pressed his lips to mine once, twice.

We laid on the floor of his living room, still wrapped around one another, as the reality of what just happened began to set in. The giggle that bubbled up from my chest was completely involuntary, and my shoulders began to shake with laughter as I brought my hands up to cover my face in embarrassment. I heard Edward begin to chuckle the same time I felt him pulling my hands aways from my face.

"Oh God," I groaned, shaking my head back and forth, "did we really just dry hump like a couple of teenagers?" I peeked one eye open at Edward in time to catch him grimace.

"Yeah, I think I need to..." he trailed off, rubbing the back of his neck, his face pinking. "I'll be right back." He rolled off me before holding out his hand and helping me off the floor. "There's another bathroom down the hall if you need to..." he waved his hand towards my midsection, "do anything." I laughed at him and his adorable awkwardness. He scowled at me playfully before turning on his heel and taking off down the hall.

A while later we were lounging on his couch when his phone rang. He leaned over and grabbed it, briefly glancing at the phone before grinning and answering.

"Hey sis," he smiled, leaning back on the sofa and pulling me against his side again. Her voice echoed through the phone, but it was too muffled to make out her words. Instead of listening in on half a conversation, I closed my eyes and relaxed while Edward absently ran his fingers through my hair.

"Bella, hey," Edward said, nudging my shoulder. I hummed in response, too relaxed to bother opening my eyes."Heidi's in town and wanted to know if we'd like to catch a late dinner with her."

I really wasn't very interested in moving from this position, much less going out for a late dinner, but this was Edward's sister so I didn't really think my laziness was a very good excuse to skip.

"Sure, that's fine," I answered.

He finished up his call with Heidi then tossed his phone on the coffee table.

"Are you sure you're okay with going to dinner with her?" he asked, pulling me so that I was facing him.

"Yeah, it's fine."

"I just, I know that she be a little intense at times, she just worries about me. You're the first girl that I've talked to her about since Gianna and we know how that ended," he admitted, looking down. He looked kind of...sad? Did he miss her? Did he want her back? My vision began to blur at the thought of him with someone else. Why was it affecting me so strongly? I turned my eyes down, picking at the hem of my shirt trying to keep him from seeing the sheen that was slowly covering my eyes.

"Have you talked to her?" I asked quietly, hating how familiar the subdued tone of my voice sounded.

"Hey, look at me," he said, tilting my chin so that he could see my face. I tried to turn my head away but he moved his face in front of mine, mimicking my movement. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," I mumbled, shaking my head. I didn't want to tell him that all in a matter of five seconds I had managed to allow old insecurities to resurface because he said his ex girlfriend's name.

"Bullshit," he said bluntly. "Bella, you have to talk to me. I'm not the bad guy here." I blew out a deep breath, knowing that he wasn't going to let it go. It amazed me how he could go from sweet, playful, and a little nerdy to such a straightforward no bullshit mood so quickly. I guess even nice guys had their limits.

"Ugh, I just, fuck," I swore, frustrated with myself for feeling this way and even more frustrated that I couldn't seem to talk about it. "I'm insecure, okay?" I spat, embarrassment making my anger bubble to the surface.

"Bella. You have _nothing _to be insecure about. Gianna is my friend. Nothing more. And to answer your question, yes, I have talked to her. She called me a couple of days ago letting me know she was still at her parents 'house and that she was doing better. She's actually thinking about moving there, which I mean, I hope she does, since there's nothing left for her here," he said, shaking his head.

"Why didn't you mention talking to her?" Was he trying to keep it a secret? Why would he do that? Was there more to it and he just wasn't telling me?

"Do you tell me everything that happens with you?" The tone of his voice and the slight raise of his brow cause my stomach to turn. His question felt more like an accusation. I bit my lip and turned my head, unable to look him in the eye. He sighed, bringing his hand to my jaw, running his thumb across my cheek.

"I wasn't trying to keep anything from you. I just didn't think about it," he said, tugging my chin until I was looking him in the eye. "I tend to forget about everything else when I'm with you," he said with a slight chuckle, obviously trying to lighten the mood. I gave him a small smile, which widened when he leaned in and kissed the tip of my nose, then my chin, before finally bringing his lips to mine and kissing me fully once and then once again more chastely. He stood from the couch and pulled me with him.

"C'mon, I didn't realize how late it is, we better get moving."

When we arrived at Mo's, some dive pizza place that Edward loved, it was already after ten o'clock. Heidi was waiting for us in a booth towards the back of the mostly empty restaurant. I realized, too late, that this place was much closer to the apartment I'd shared with Garrett and Ben than I was comfortable with. I couldn't help but flicker my eyes towards the front door every time it opened.

We ordered drinks while we waited for our food, making small talk about Edward's latest contract and my class schedule. After about an hour of hanging out, talking, and laughing I'd finally let myself relax. We'd just ordered our third round when my phone rang. I looked down, an unknown number flashing across the screen. I frowned for a second before answering it hesitantly.

"Hello?"

"Oh ,thank God you answered," Maggie sighed dramatically into the phone, causing me to laugh.

"Where are you calling me from?" I asked, wondering why she hadn't called me from her own phone.

"It's Alex's phone." The smile in her voice was unmistakable. I looked at my watch and realized she should still be at work since she was closing the bar tonight, but I didn't hear any background noise.

"Where are you?"

"Oh my God, Bella, tonight has been nuts. You are so lucky you didn't have to work."

"What happened?"

"Sewer. Sewer happened. We had a pipe break under the building. They were able to get it shut off before any major damage was done," she huffed before adding quietly, "as least no major damaged to the_ building_."

"What do you mean by that?" I asked warily, not entirely sure I wanted her to answer to my question.

"Bella," she whined.

"No. You didn't. That's...ew." I finished, my face scrunched up. I cut my eyes to Edward who was staring at me with one brow raised, an amused smile on his face. I mouthed that I was sorry and held up my finger letting him know I was only going to be another minute.

"Yes, I did. All I'm going to say is that my clothes are in the trash and I have bathed more in the last hour than I would in a week." I couldn't help but laugh, poor Maggie.

"Oh hush it, you," she chuckled. "Anyway, Alex was there and since I was already planning on staying at his place tonight I came here instead of going home. And when I decided to call and tell you that what happened I realized that I'd left my purse at the bar." She groaned. "The plumbers are going to be there soon and I hate to have it there with all of my personal information in it. I can go get it," she added quickly, "but I'd figured I'd see if you were still out and if you were if you'd mind grabbing it for me on your way home?" she asked hopefully.

"Yeah, actually I am still out-"

"Are you out with Edward?" she interrupted.

"Yes," I laughed.

"Oh, Bella I'm sorry, I can go get it, don't worry about it," she said quickly. I could hear rustling in the background as she moved around.

"Are you in bed?" I asked.

"Well I was, but it's not a big deal. You just keep doing whatever it is that you're doing, or were doing before I called, and I really hope it was something dirty," she whispered, giggling.

My face warmed as I thought about what we had done earlier today. I peeked at Edward as he slid the drinks we'd just ordered across the table while he chatted with Heidi.

"Stop. I've got it. Really. I have class at eight in the morning so I should probably get going anyway," I sighed. Edward nudged my foot with his to get my attention, him brows pulled down in confusion.

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"Yes, I'm sure. I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Yes, and thanks Bella, seriously."

"No problem, I'll see you then."

"See you."

I hung up my phone and looked at Edward apologetically. I explained to him what had happened which he found much more amusing than he should have. I'll just blame the beer if Maggie ever finds out he laughed at her so doesn't try to maim him.

"Hang on and I'll go with you," he said, looking over at Heidi who nodded her head smiling. I looked at the table noticing the full drinks that we'd just ordered sitting on the table.

"No. Stay. I'll be fine. I'm just going to grab a cab to the bar then head home," I answered, grabbing my jacket and purse.

"No, I think I should make sure you get home okay," he insisted. I rolled my eyes at him. I was perfectly capable of getting myself home.

"Is he always like this?" I asked Heidi, grinning. She laughed.

"Oh yes, it seems to be getting worse with age," she joked, poking Edward in the side.

"Edward, stay, hang out with your sister. I'll call you when I get home, okay?" He eyed me for a second. I could tell he really wanted to take me home, but there was no reason for him to leave with me.

"Fine," he conceded, standing up from the table. "Come on, I'll get you a cab." I waved bye to Heidi and followed Edward out to the sidewalk.

"You promise to call me as soon as you get home?" he asked, bringing his hands to my shoulders, his thumbs running over the skin on my neck.

"Promise." I grinned. He rolled his eyes at me before flagging down a cab. He leaned in, bringing his mouth to mine and kissing me deeply. The cab driver grumbled something to us out of his window causing Edward to sigh. He pulled away, smiling at me.

"Bye, Bella," he said softly, leaning in to kiss me once more.

"Bye, Edward," I echoed, my mouth stretched in a wide smile. He closed the door behind me, hitting the roof of the cab twice before backing away from the door and raising his hand in a small wave.

The ride to the bar was uneventful. After paying the cab fare, I made my way to the front of the building. I used my key to unlock the door and was immediately assaulted with the most God awful smell I'd ever encountered. I grabbed the neck of my shirt, pulling it over my mouth and nose ,trying my best not to gag.

I shuffled quickly to the back office, slamming the door and flipping on the light before hesitantly taking a breath. It wasn't vomit-inducing in here, but it was still fucking terrible. I crossed the room to where a row of lockers lined the back wall. Just as I reached in to grab Maggie's purse, my phone rang.

"Shit," I swore, digging around in my bag for my phone. I chuckled when I saw Edwards name flash across the screen.

"I said I'd call when I got home," I reminded him with a laugh.

"I know, smart ass," he said sarcastically, "but my stupid battery is dying so I wanted to give you a call to see where you were."

"I'm at the bar," I said, grabbing Maggie's purse, "I'm heading out now."

"Okay, be careful, I'll talk to you soon?" he asked.

"Yeah, of course, goodnight Edward."

I hung up the phone and started towards the door when I heard a bang out front. I froze in place, trying to remember if I'd locked the door behind me. I turned the handle quietly, pulling the door open slowly, my breath locked in my chest.

I listened intently, the only sound breaking the silence was the quiet hum of the florescent bulbs over head as they crackled and popped. I took a step forward, peeking around the door frame, suddenly realizing how creepy the bar looked with the lights off. Shadows danced around the room from the blinking lights outside, casting eerie shapes across the barren floor.

"Is anyone there?" I called out, barely above a whisper, the quiet and stillness unnerving. I pulled the office door shut behind me and walked slowly to the bar. Realizing I was alone, I let out a huge sigh, shaking my head at myself as my eyes swept the bar. And then everything stopped.

My body locked in place as I stared at a small object sitting atop the bar, an object that I was sure wasn't there when I came in minutes earlier. I stepped closer, praying that my eyes were playing tricks on me, but already knowing that I wasn't going to be that lucky.

I reached out my hand tentatively, the tips of my fingers brushing against the soft fur before jerking my hand back like it'd been burnt. I felt a wave of nausea roll over me, black spots dancing in front of my eyes as the blood drained from my face. I clutched the bar, breathing deeply, trying to subdue the roaring in my ears and focus my vision.

I squeezed my eyes shut tightly before opening them again slowly, looking once more at the small stuffed panda bear on the bar, its white fur now tinted yellow with age. I released a heavy breath, bringing my palm to my forehead and pushing my hair back. I looked around the bar, my entire body shaking with nerves. Why the fuck was this happening? What did he want?

I grabbed the panda up, flexing my fingers around its soft middle, trying to control the trembling of my hands. I noticed a small slip of paper where the panda had been and snatched it up.

_I miss you. I'm so sorry, for everything._

"What the fuck, Garrett?" I whispered to myself. This had gone beyond fucking creepy now. It was one thing to leave a flower on my apartment door. It was completely fucking different to follow me into the bar when it was empty and leave a stuffed animal that he'd won for me the summer before our freshman year of college.

Fuck. Did he follow me? Is that why he was here? Did he see me with Edward? A chill ran down my spine as the hairs on the back of my neck started to rise. The shadows that moments before only seemed a bit creepy now felt menacing, threatening. I realized how vulnerable I was alone in the bar and snatched up my things, bolting through the door.

I locked it behind me, flagging down the first cab I saw. Normally I would walk the couple of blocks to my apartment, but I had a gut feeling that doing so tonight would be a terrible idea. The cab driver gave me a strange look when I gave him my address which I waved off dismissively. I didn't have to explain shit to him, he could think what he wanted. All too soon the cab ride was over and I was left standing on the sidewalk outside of my apartment building.

I took a deep breath and walked quickly to the door, glancing to my left and right before moving towards the stairs and jogging up to my floor. My body, rigid with tension, did not relax until my front door was locked behind me and I was in the safety of my apartment.

I walked into the kitchen, holding everything I came home with in my arms and dumped them on the kitchen table. I opened the cabinet door where we kept our liquor and pulled out a bottle of vodka. Not bothering to grab a glass I unscrewed the top, watching as it spun in circles where it fell to the floor as I tipped the bottle back, taking a big gulp. The burn caused me to wince, but the warmth that immediately followed made me not care.

I pulled a chair away from the table, the metal legs scraping across the linoleum in protest. I fell into the chair, drinking from the bottle once more before setting it down and cradling my face in my hands. My head was a jumbled mess, I couldn't process what the implications of his actions meant.

I reached out and pulled my phone from my bag, thumbing through my contacts. Should I call Edward? I was home, I was safe, nothing would be figured out tonight. Still, would he be angry if I waited?

I scrolled down to my most recent incoming calls, hesitating as I stared at Edward's number. What would he say? What would he do? How much was I completely fucking myself right now by not calling him? My jaw tightened, the soft glow of the phone mocking me as I stared at it, a war raging inside of me. What if Garrett tried to hurt Edward?

I bit the inside of my cheek until the salty, copper taste of blood hit my tongue and pressed call over Alex's number, hoping to reach Maggie, but let out a frustrated sigh when it went to voicemail. I was a fucking coward. Pathetic. If I couldn't even muster up the courage to call Edward, what right did I have to be with him, to be in his life?

I set my phone down, grabbing the bottle and taking another huge gulp, the burn not even noticeable anymore. I eyed the panda as I pulled out the note I'd stuffed in my pocket, unfolding it and pressing it flat on the table. I gazed at the items blankly, my eyes hazing over from alcohol and exhaustion. My mind began to shut down slowly, erecting walls to block out my thoughts until everything was quiet, still, and all my barriers had been locked into place. Tomorrow. I'd deal with this tomorrow.

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><p><strong>AN**

**Meg aka iambeagle is the reason I haven't flung myself off the roof of a tall building. Thanks for helping me fix everything that was bugging me about this chapter. Tara is boss with fixing my grammar, and Jules prereads to make sure this doesn't suck. I KNOW some of you are probably pissed at Bella right now, all I can say is, I have a plan. Thanks for reading!**


	17. Chapter 17

**Disclaimer: I don't own it.**

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><p><strong>Chapter Seventeen<strong>

The jingling of keys followed by the opening and closing of the front door jolted me from my position. My muscles, stiff and sore, screamed in protest as I attempted to work out the kinks in my neck. I noticed soft light coming in through the window and spun around to look at the clock, realizing that it was after eight in the morning. The motion caused me to wince, reminding me of the excessive amount of alcohol I'd drunk the night before. I turned to face the table again just as Maggie stepped into the doorway.

"Oh my God!" Maggie screamed, causing my hands to shoot to my ears and cover them, my entire face contorted in pain. "You scared the shit out of me," she scolded, her hand covering her heart. "Wait, what are you doing here? I thought you had a class at eight this morning." She looked at me, then the mostly empty bottle of vodka before her eyes landed on the bear on the table, her face scrunching up with confusion.

"Bella, what's going on?" she asked, coming to stand next to me, her eyes searching my face. I opened my mouth to answer, but the words got stuck in my throat as it tightened. Wave after wave of emotion broke free, flooding, drowning me. A choked sob escaped from my lips as I finally allowed myself to feel everything that I'd hidden away last night.

Maggie dropped to her knees, her arms coming around me as I clutched onto her, burying my face in her neck, her scent warm and familiar, comforting. I wound my arms around her as I continued to cry over her repeated attempts to soothe me.

"Bella you're scaring me, what the fuck is going on?"

I sucked in a couple of deep breaths, trying to overcome my hiccups as Maggie pulled away and slid into the chair beside me.

"Fucking Garrett," I spat, my hand furiously wiping away the tears that were rolling down my cheeks.

"What did that bastard do?" she asked through clenched teeth. So I told her. Detailing everything that had happened from the time she called until the time I got home. She sat patiently as she listened to me, not interrupting once. You would think she was completely unaffected were it not for the rigid set of her jaw and her hands, clenched tightly where they rested in her lap.

"He's gone too far this time Bella. He's gone straight from creepy to restraining order," she said shaking her head. "We need to call the police, see if there is anything that can be done legally."

I nodded my head in agreement. It really was unnerving that instead of just coming and talking to me he was lurking around in the shadows like a damn stalker.

"This is such bullshit," Maggie spat, slamming her phone down on the coffee table. She'd been on the phone with the police department for more than an hour but we had gotten nowhere. Since we had no proof that Garrett had left the flower or the bear, and his name wasn't signed on the slip of paper there wasn't enough cause to grant a restraining order. Maybe if he had been in direct contact with me, but that wasn't the case.

"What did Edward say?" Maggie asked with a sigh. I stared at the table, noticing all of the water marks on it. We really needed to start using coasters.

"Bella," Maggie said forcefully, "tell me that you've told Edward." She was silent for a beat, waiting for a response that she must have realized the answer to it by now.

"Goddamn it Bella," she said lowly. "How have you not told him what's going on yet? I mean, if Garrett has been following you, don't you think he deserves a heads up in case that crazy fucker tries to approach him?" she asked incredulously.

"That's what I'm afraid of," I yelled. "At first I didn't tell Edward anything because I was hoping that it was a one time thing. But now..." I trailed off, taking a deep breath.

"Now?" Maggie prompted.

"Now I'm scared for him," I answered, barely above a whisper. "What if Garrett has really flipped his shit and tries to do something to Edward? Maggie, I can't have him getting hurt because of me." I needed her to see where I was coming from, I needed her to understand.

"Do you realize how fucking ridiculous you sound right now? I mean, come on, Bella. I love you, but you have to see what you're saying is complete and utter bullshit," she said, her eyes wide, her face looking bewildered.

"What the fuck Maggie? You don't have to be so mean about it."

"Don't I?" she asked, crossing her arms over her chest. "Would you even bother listening to me if I was all nice and understanding?" My jaw ticked as I stared at her defiantly. I opened my mouth to respond but she spoke again before I could form any words.

"Do you know what you're doing? You're reverting back to the old you. The one that holds everything inside and shuts out the world and the people in it that just want to help you. Why are you doing that Bella?" she asked helplessly. "Why are you pushing against the ones that want to help you the most?" I stared straight ahead. I had no answer for her. I didn't understand why the thought of dragging other people into this mess was causing me to completely shut everything out. But she was right, it was exactly what I was doing, and I had no idea how to stop.

Maggie sighed and stood from the couch. "I just don't want you to end up hurting yourself more than anyone else could. And Bella, shutting out Edward?" she stressed, leveling me with a stern expression. "You're going to regret it." She turned down the hallway, her bedroom door clicking shut quietly behind her.

I pushed myself off the couch and walked back to my room, falling into bed and pulling the covers over my head to block out the rest of the world. I was hungover, and tired, and stressed and it was all too much. I knew where Maggie was coming from, I knew I was fucking everything up, and a part of me thought that maybe I was doing it on purpose. Maybe I wanted to fuck it up. Maybe I wanted to go back to the way things were before. No one to worry about but myself.

I felt the edges of sleep curl around me as images of one night stands and walks of shame flashed through my mind. Of times when I was alone and forgotten and memories would be pulled to the forefront of my mind without permission. A wince that would come involuntarily when I'd remember vomiting on myself, or falling on the side walk, or being asked to leave an establishment because I was causing a disruption.

I woke hours later, my head throbbing, my mouth a desert. I stumbled to the bathroom and leaned over the sink scooping water into my mouth. Bloodshot eyes stared back at me, making my chalky skin look waxy, washed out. I stripped out of my clothes and climbed into the shower, the water scalding on my skin.

I moved on auto pilot, eating food I didn't taste, having conversations I didn't remember, canceling sessions with Sasha, and most of all, avoiding Edward. It had been three days since the night at the bar and we'd only hung out once. He knew immediately that something wasn't right, but like always didn't push for answers I wasn't ready to give.

I'd picked up the phone a dozen times to call him, to ask him to come over so that I could tell him everything, but every time I'd get a sinking feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach that next time Garrett might do more, and not to me, but Edward.

I was sitting on my couch, watching bad TV, grateful that Maggie was at the bar tonight so I could wallow in peace. She'd become more and more annoyed with my behavior and honestly, I really couldn't blame her. My phone buzzed on the table and I picked it up, knowing who it would be and not surprised by the small smile that seeing his name caused.

**You up for some Tarantino? -E**

I couldn't stop the ache that bloomed in my chest. Even though I'd seen him two days ago and spoke with him briefly yesterday, I missed him so much. He had become such a huge part of my life, and it hurt to push him away, to keep him at arms' length when all I wanted was to be wrapped up in him.

**I'm kind of tired. Rain check? -B**

It wasn't a lie, I really was tired. My sleeping had all but vanished, and when I did manage to sleep it was not Garrett that haunted my dreams, but Edward. Images of him hurt and in pain flashed through my mind. And then there were the dreams where he walked away from me, when he'd finally had enough. Both felt like a serrated knife stabbing me in the gut then pulling out slowly, each tooth catching, tearing and ripping.

**Are you sick? -E**

**No. Just tired. -B**

A knock at the door caused me to jump, my phone flying out of my hand and skidding across the living room floor. I held my breath, afraid to move, afraid that whoever was outside would be able to hear me if I made even the slightest movement. My phone buzzed at the same time someone knocked on the door again. I slid from the couch and quietly tiptoed over to my phone picking it up and looking at the screen.

**Open the door. -E**

I released a shuddering breath, both relieved and terrified. What was he doing here? I walked across the room, unlocking the door and pulling it open. Edward stood on the other side, his face blank, his eyes impassive. I pushed the door open wider, wordlessly inviting him in. He shoved both hands in his pockets and walked into the living room. I closed the door and locked it before following him into the living room where he stood, leaning against the side of the couch.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, running my hand over my hair. I was sure I looked like a wreck.

"Why are you avoiding me?" he asked bluntly.

"I...I'm not," I stuttered.

"Bullshit," he retorted flatly. He pulled his hands from his pockets, using one to brace himself against the couch, the other running up and down his face as he blew out a big breath. He looked at me, his brows pulled together, his eyes concerned.

"Did I do something?" he asked quietly.

"What?" I asked dumbfounded, my mouth hanging open. "What are you- why would you say that?"

"Then what's going on Bella? Help me understand," he pleaded, clearly frustrated. I stared at him for what seemed like hours, his beautiful green eyes so soft, caring. I knew then, it was time to stop avoiding, stop second guessing myself. It was time to tell him everything.

"Let's sit down, okay?" I asked, reaching my hand out for his, he grasped it tightly, weaving his fingers with mine. We walked around the couch, turning to face one another, one leg pulled up so that our bodies mirrored each other's, pressed together from knee to ankle.

I took a deep breath, steeling myself for what might come, when his phone began to ring. He huffed out a laugh, pulling it out of his pocket and hitting ignore without even glancing at the screen. He threw it on the coffee table and leaned toward me, grabbing my hand in his.

"What's going on Bella? You can tell me anything."

I opened my mouth to answer when his phone started to ring again. He grabbed it up, casting a quick glace at the screen before furrowing his brow. He flicked his eyes to mine quickly before slowly raising the phone to his ear.

"Hello?"

"_Edward! Oh my God, Edward, please, please I need your help,_" a voice screamed though the line, her voice as clear as if she were in the room. I looked at Edward, his jaw slack, his face draining of color.

"Gianna? What's the matter? What's going on?" he asked frantically, his hand seeking mine, clutching it tightly.

"_Edward, I messed up_," she sobbed. "_I thought...I really thought that it would be different this time. But-_" she hiccuped into the phone, I watched as Edward's face morphed from concerned and scared to angry and hard. His eyes dulled, his mouth stretched in a thin line, his jaw taut, fist balled. I had never seen him look this way, it was terrifying.

"Where are you?" he cut in. "What have you done?"

"_He...he promised, Edward. He said he would stop. That things would be different this time._"

"And how is that _any_ fucking different from the last time, Gianna?" he roared, jumping to his feet. "He says the _same_ goddamn thing _every time_, and it has _never_ changed. Why the _fuck_ would you think this time would be different?"

"_When I came back here he really was different_," she argued, "_for the last two weeks_-"

"Weeks?" Edward ground out, his entire frame locked, his body shaking with anger. I slid unconsciously back on the couch, allowing him some space.

"_Edward-_"

"You lied to me," he spat. "You called me and told me that things were going well, that you were thinking of moving closer to your parents, that you were doing better. When really this whole time you were already back with him? What the fuck, Gianna?" he choked, his hands yanking at his hair.

She'd lied to him about the one thing that he couldn't accept. The same thing that I had essentially kept from him. My stomach twisted and tightened and bile rose in the back of my throat. Would he react the same way when I told him that I had been keeping things from him? That I had lied about the flower and not told him anything about the bear and the note?

"_Edward, I thought he'd changed. But he snapped and he...he...I'm...at the hospital again_," she choked, her words barely recognizable. I watched as his shoulders deflated, his entire body crumbling, his spirit lashed.

"What happened?" he whispered hoarsely.

"_Please don't hate me, please_," she cried. "_He called me, said he's been in a treatment facility since I left. He told me he knew what he'd done was wrong, that he was seeing someone to make it right, that he loved me and was sorry. He promised that things would be different this time. Edward you know, you know that he has never sought professional help from anyone before. I thought he'd really decided to change, that he wanted a chance. But he lied. He lied about everything."_

"So did you." Edward said flatly. I watched as he withdrew from the conversation. Like he was speaking of someone else. It scared the shit out of me. Would he react the same way when I tried to tell him what had happened with Garrett? Would he shut me out? I felt that same stabbing feeling in my chest. I couldn't lose him. I couldn't be without him, ever.

"Edward," I whispered, waving my hand in front of his face. He looked over at me, his face a mask of confusion.

"Go," I urged, "go help your friend." He covered the receiver with his hand then stared at me for the longest time, his eyes penetrating into my soul.

"Bella," he said, swiftly coming to my side, "come with me." I stared at him, unsure if I had heard him correctly.

"What?"

"Come with me. Come with me to pick up Gianna and get her away from here this last time. This is it. I'm done. I can't do this anymore, it's not fair to anyone," he said, his eyes boring into mine.

I froze at the implications of his words. He was done? Had he had enough drama thrown his way for a lifetime?

"I uh, no, you go. Be with your friend," I whispered, trying to keep my emotions in check.

"Gianna? I'll be there soon. But," he took a deep breath, "this is the last time. I'm done." He ended the call, anger, hurt, and disgust marring his beautiful face.

"Please," he said, tugging on my hand. "We can talk about whatever you want on the way there."

I froze, yanking my hand from his. I couldn't talk to him about the very thing that had him so angry. He could barely contain his emotions as it was. If I were to tell him what had happened over the last few weeks he would react the same way with me as he did with Gianna.

"Edward, just go, be with your friend," I said, but even I could tell that my voice held no conviction.

"Bella, why won't you come with me? Why won't you let me in? Why won't you _be_ with me?" he begged, his large hands framing my face.

"I just- I can't- you need to be with your friend now," I lied, never hating the words I spoke more than I did now. But if I told him, if I was honest, he would leave me. He loved Gianna like a sister, and she had lied to him, and nothing about his demeanor showed any signs of forgiveness.

"Please come with me. We need to talk. Like you promised," he said pointedly, his eyes both hard and pleading at the same time. He was so upset, so obviously distraught, the thought of bearing the weight that lay upon his shoulders was unimaginable.

"I can't," I whispered. But I knew that was a lie. I could go with him. I could support him, I could be the person he deserved, but I was a coward, afraid of the unknown.

He straightened his back, his eyes distant, guarded. I knew the moment they focused on my own that something was different, that something had changed.

"I have to go," he whispered. He stepped closer to me, his scent and warmth and everything that was Edward enveloped me, made me dizzy. "I won't be back for a while, but you know how to reach me." He sighed, brushing his thumb across my cheek. His forehead rested against mine, his face filled with sorrow...and...love? He leaned back, his hands sliding to my shoulders and gripping them tightly, his eyes locked with mine.

"Is there anything that you want to go ahead and tell me now?" he whispered. My mind flooded with a million memories, good, bad, happy, sad. But none that were more important than the ones that I was experiencing right now, with him.

"No," I breathed, smiling. Instead of the matching smile I expected, his face became blank, unreadable. I didn't understand the change, didn't understand why he stood abruptly looking at everything but me.

"I'll call you later," he said in a flat, monotone voice. I was confused by his response. I knew that I had been distant and maybe this was his way of dealing with the situation. He leaned in, pressing his lips to mine once, I closed my eyes waiting for his lips to find mine once more but instead I heard quick steps followed by the soft click of the front door as it shut behind him. He had only kissed me once. One kiss had been enough. And it was all my fault. And when I fell into bed that night, there was no thought in my mind other than I ruined everything I touched.

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><p><strong>AN**

**Ouch. Thanks to Meg, Tara, Julie, & Nat for all your help. Sorry for the delay, but I have the next two chapters almost finished so it won't happen again. The next couple are gonna be a little tough, just giving you a heads up now... Thanks for reading. OH SHIT, I almost forgot. Maggie has been nominated for best other character for The Sunflower Awards. Y'all are more than welcome to give her a nod if ya like.**


	18. Chapter 18

**Disclaimer: I don't own it.**

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><p><strong>Chapter Eighteen<strong>

The next day I managed to get through my morning routine and out the door without so much as a peep from Maggie. I wasn't really surprised considering how our conversation had ended yesterday.

All throughout the day I checked my phone to see if Edward had sent a text. After I'd checked the ringer, power cycled the phone and triple checked the battery life, I had to accept that he really hadn't tried to reach me. Not that I blamed him, he clearly knew something was up and I was doing a shitty job of putting his mind at ease with my avoidance tactics and less than supportive behavior.

Why didn't I just go with him last night? I could have let him know I didn't think we needed to talk about my issues right then, that he needed to focus on his friend. He may have argued a bit, but once we picked up Gianna all talk about our personal lives would have stopped.

I was digging myself further and further into a hole that felt like it was beginning to cave in on me. I needed to talk to him. I needed to work this out. I understood that he had to leave last night. His friend was in trouble, but was he really finished with her? Would his response to me be any different? What if Gianna talked him into staying with her?

I shook my head, I couldn't think like that. It wasn't like he picked her over me. She was in trouble. She needed him, and he went. It had nothing to do with me. But after not hearing from him that night, or the next day, I was beginning to second guess everything I thought I knew. I didn't talk to Maggie about it. She loved me, but she was a no bullshit kind of girl, and I was pretty sure that her bullshit tolerance had reached its limit with me.

On the third morning I couldn't take it anymore. All I'd thought about every single minute was Edward. Was he with her at her parent's house? The last time he picked her up he was gone for a few days, so would he be back today? Would he come see me? I sucked in a deep breath and pulled out my phone, doing what I should have done the first day.

**I miss you. I hope you're okay. -Bella**

I turned my phone to vibrate and trudged into class, feeling weary and anxious, the two emotions warring with one another, fighting for dominance. Just before class came to a close my phone buzzed inside my bag. I reached in with shaky hands and grasped it tightly, my heart pounding in my chest as I glanced at the screen.

**I miss you too. Things are bad, really bad. I'll be here another day or two, but beyond that there's nothing else I can do for her. I'm coming home. -Edward**

I couldn't decipher how his message made me feel. He said he missed me, but something felt different, distant. I grabbed my things and exited the building, my eyes glued to my phone, debating how I should respond.

"Bella."

I froze, my knees locking as my back stiffened. I lifted my head slowly, coming face to face with Garrett. The moment my eyes collided with his a gasp escaped my throat. I stumbled backwards, nearly falling were it not for his arms shooting out and wrapping around my shoulders to stead me.

"Whoa, you okay?" he asked, his eyes wide. I gaped at him, my mind unable to process the person standing in front of me. It was no illusion like at the bar where shadows hid baggy eyes, shrunken cheekbones, and messy clothing. We were outside, the bright rays of sunlight bouncing off soft hair, pink cheeks, and sober eyes.

His eyes, the crystal clear blue I remembered so well bore into mine, his face somber, serious. He stepped closer towards me, the movement enough to break me from my stupor and allow me to react. I jumped back holding my arm out in front of me to stop his advance as my eyes darted around, looking for a way to maneuver away from him.

"Don't touch me," I whispered harshly. Instead of the anger I anticipated, his face fell, his hands raising in submission as his eyes began to shimmer.

"I'm sorry," he choked, taking a step back, "I just, can we talk, just for a few minutes?" I shook my head, no way, no fucking way was I going anywhere alone with him. He may look like the old Garrett, but his actions of late scared the hell out of me.

"Please," he begged, "look, we can sit at that table right over there, I promise I'm not here to cause any trouble."

I snorted. His mere presence was trouble. I looked over at the picnic table in the middle of the court, it was out in the open, people milling about around us. Was this my chance to end this once and for all? Was this my chance to finally be rid of him? If I said no, would he continue with his creepy behavior?

I sighed. I was going to be berated by Maggie and possibly Edward, if he still cared, but this needed to end for my own sanity. I nodded my head, unnerved by the look of relief that crossed his face as I turned and made my way to the table. I sat down, laying my backpack on the bench beside me, making it clear he needed to sit on the other side of the table.

"How've you been?" he asked, picking at the splintered wood on the table's surface. I narrowed my eyes at him, waiting for him to cut the crap and get to why he was really here. When I didn't answer he looked up, confusion clear on his face.

"Are you serious right now?" I asked, my mouth hanging open.

"Uh, no?" he asked hesitantly. What in the hell was going through his mind right now? Had he completely lost touch with reality?

"I'm just peachy," I answered sarcastically. "Let's see, I've had my ex boyfriend leave flowers on my door at God knows what time of night, then he followed me to my place of employment and left a memento from years ago with a note scaring the shit out of me, because he's acting like a creepy stalker," I screeched, my voice having risen to borderline hysterical as my arms waved over my head wildly before slapping them against the top of the table.

Garrett sat immobile, his body arched away from the table, his eyes wide. "What?" he breathed, his face appearing stricken. "Bella, come on, you know me, I wasn't trying to scare you, or stalk you, Christ," he mumbled, shifting forward and rubbing his hands up and down his thighs.

"What exactly was I supposed to think?" I asked. He shook his head, swearing under his breath before straightening his back and facing me.

"Leaving the flower was kind of an impulse. I was going to apologize, but realized how late it was and..." he trailed off, taking a deep breath. "I just, after the bar, I knew I had fucked up. And I wasn't straight, I was trying, but it was so hard. But I wanted to be better," he stressed, "for you. I want to be better for you, because I miss you, so much. And I know I don't deserve a second chance, but I have no shame right now. C'mon Bella, _look_ at me, see _me_, the _real_ me," he begged, grabbing my hand in his.

I stared at where his hands were touching mine, so warm and familiar. Those hands had held me so many times when I was sad, helped me when I was hurt, and protected me when I was scared. I felt my throat tighten as memories flooded my mind of all the years we had spent together, when he was like this, when things were so fucking good.

I pulled my hands away like I'd been burned. Because that's exactly what he'd done to me. He'd burned me from the inside out, ripped me apart, leaving nothing more than ashes dancing in the breeze, lost, alone, scattered.

"Did you follow me to the bar?" I whispered, unable to speak any louder, afraid that my voice would break, would reveal emotions I had no intentions of letting him see. He looked at me sadly and sighed.

"I saw you at the pizza place. I was on my way home from a meeting, and I saw you, and it killed me. I went home and I just, I had to see you, so I went back, but you were gone. I was on my way to your place when I saw you walking into the bar. I had the driver let me out and I walked in hoping I could talk to you. But then I heard you talking to someone and, I just, panicked."

"I was on the phone," I breathed, my entire body suddenly surging with energy. Guilt burned through my veins as I thought about Edward. What he would think if he saw me here, talking to Garrett, when he was helping his friend because she continued to put herself in harm's way. I felt bile rise in my throat at the thought of hurting him like that, of not seeing his face, hearing his voice, or feeling his touch. I suddenly felt like I was floating, physically and mentally being pulled from the here and now, away from Garrett and my past. I only saw Edward, wanted only him, wanted to spend every tomorrow of the rest of my life with him, in his arms.

I jumped from the table and snatched up my bag. I looked at Garrett, his eyes so intense, pained. I shook my head at him and hoisted my bag on my shoulder. I couldn't sit here any longer. I only wanted to talk to one person right now, and I wasn't above begging to make that happen.

"Garrett," I pleaded, hoping he'd understand, "I can't be with you like you want. I'm sorry, but I can't go back. I can't be that girl anymore. Please, let me live my life, I need this."

"Bella, no. Please," he sputtered, jumping to his feet. "It can't be over, we were supposed to be each other's forever," he choked, rounding the table and embracing me as his body shook with silent sobs.

"We were," I agreed. "But things changed. _You_ changed. _I_ changed."

I pulled away from him, meeting his eyes. His face held so much pain, so much sadness. A piece of my heart broke for my first love, and I knew that part would forever be blackened, saddened for what could have been, but never would.

"I've got to go."

I spun on me heel, my own tears streaming down my face, but my heart, all that was left, was soaring, because it was finally freed from the shackles of my mind, and it knew exactly what it wanted.

I pulled my phone out and pressed send, my only thought, only want, was to hear his voice. It rang twice before his voice floated over the line.

"_Bella_?"

"Hi," I breathed, a smile stretching across my face as I sniffed, completely overwhelmed.

"_Are you crying, what's wrong_?" he asked, panic lacing his tone.

"Nothing," I chuckled, "everything is finally falling into place."

"_Are you sure_?"

"Positive. When are you coming home? I miss you."

He sighed, sounding so weary. "_Soon. Maybe even tomorrow_."

"Will you come to the bar? Please, just come straight there."

"_Wow, eager much?_" he laughed, his voice lightening, sounding more like himself.

"You have no idea," I said seriously.

"_Okay_," he whispered, "_I'll come straight to you_."

"That's the best thing I've heard in days."

"_I've gotta go, can I call you later?_"

"As many times as you want."

And he did call me that night, just like he promised, but he didn't come home the next day. Her parents apparently loved Edward like a son, which was no surprise, and had asked him to stay a couple more days to help them with a few things. They were older, having had Gianna much later in life and couldn't manage small repairs around the house like they once could. I could tell that he wanted to say no, but his heart was just too kind to refuse.

He told me that he'd spoken to Gianna very little, that she'd stayed alone in her room most of the time, either because she was depressed or ashamed. I guessed it was probably a little bit of both.

The day he was coming home had me a jittery ball of energy. I was terrified of what his reaction was going to be, but I was also resolved. I was telling him everything, tonight. School dragged by at a snail's pace, and work wasn't much better. Maggie kept watching me out the corner of her eye, amused and relieved that I was finally doing what she said I should have done from the beginning.

I had just finished my shift and was walking out of the break room when I spotted Edward leaning casually against the wall in front of me. The moment our eyes met our faces broke into matching smiles. I ran over to him, throwing my arms around him and planting my lips firmly to his. His smell, his warmth, everything that was him, surrounded me, caressed me.

He groaned against my mouth as his arms wound around my waist, crushing my body against his. We stood there at the back of the bar, lost in the moment, in one another. He pulled back, his smile breathtaking as his lips descended to mine again, and again, and again.

"Hi," I whispered, my lips grazing against his, refusing to part any further than necessary.

"Hey." He tilted his face, his forehead resting against mine, a soft smile on his face.

"It's time we had that talk," I whispered, threading my fingers through his hair. He leaned back a bit, a frown pulling down the corners of his mouth.

"You wanna go now?"

"Yeah, I have some things I need to tell you, things that I should have told you a while ago." I looked down, hoping that I hadn't waited too long, hoping that he would give me the chance to explain, hoping that he would forgive me.

"Okay baby, lets get out of here."

The sound of glass shattering caused me to jump and whirl around. Katie stood in front of me, glass littering the floor around her. Her face was bright red, mascara tracks smeared her cheeks, her entire appearance disheveled as she swayed, obviously drunk.

"Well isn't this just too fucking sweet," she slurred.

"Katie, what are you-"

"It's your fault!" she screamed, causing several people to turn and look at her. "Everything is your fault. And if he dies, I swear to God," she choked, her hands balled into fists. I felt the color drain from my face.

"If who dies?" I breathed, already knowing the answer, my gut twisting at the thought.

"What was it about you, huh?" she asked, ignoring my question. "I have loved him since we were fifteen. _Fifteen._ But it wasn't me he wanted, it was you, always you. Sweet Bella, pretty Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella," she mocked angrily. "And as long as he was happy I was content to stand back, because that's all I ever wanted. But then he fell apart, and you abandoned him. You left him because things weren't sweet and pretty and easy anymore."

"You have no idea what you are talking about," I said forcefully. "You have no idea the hell he put me through, so don't you dare pretend like _he_ was the victim, that _I _wronged _him_." I had no idea what was going on with her, but there was no way in hell I would allow her to make me out to be the bad guy. Not about this.

"I think you need to leave now," Edward said, coming to stand in front of me. I grabbed onto his shoulder, leaning around him as Katie sneered at him.

"You better be careful," she spat. "She'll have you on drugs to cope with her bullshit soon too."

"Enough," Edward growled, his entire frame rigid.

"You sure are awfully protective over someone who's been leading her ex on for the past month," she goaded. No. No, no, no. I tightened my hand around Edward's bicep.

"Come on, lets go," I said, tugging him towards the door. He looked from me to Katie, confusion clear on his face.

"What's she talking about Bella?" he asked, causing Katie to let out a laugh. It was ugly and mean and I knew that she was about to tell Edward everything.

"Oh my God, of course you don't know," she chuckled darkly.

"Edward," I pleaded, "lets just get out of here, we need to talk."

"So she didn't tell you about Garrett bringing her flowers, writing her love notes, going to see her at school and begging her to come back?" She crossed her arms over her chest, her face pinched cruelly. Edward stood stiffly, his jaw ticking, his eyes hard.

"Edward," I whispered. His eyes slowly cut to mine and the expression on his face nearly crippled me.

"Tell me she's lying. Tell me that you haven't been lying to me this entire time," he said lowly.

"I haven't lied to you, I just..." I trailed off.

"Don't talk in circles Bella. Omission is a lie. And he came to see you? Have you been talking to him behind my back?" he asked, his voice rising.

"No," I said forcefully. "He was waiting for me a few days ago when I got out of class-"

"And you didn't think that's something I should know?" he asked angrily. "And the flower, I _knew _that fucking flower wasn't for Maggie. So what else Bella? What else haven't you told me?"

I looked at him, pleading for him to let me explain, when Katie started speaking again.

"I'll tell you what else," she cut in, "he begged her to take him back. He's tried so hard to clean himself up, to be whatever it is that _she_ wanted him to be, and she shit all over him. She treated him like the dirt on her shoes and she _broke_ him. And now he is lying in a hospital bed in a coma that he may never wake from because the only way he could take the pain away was by using," she cried, tears streaming down her face.

"What?" I choked, the room beginning to spin. This was all too much, my heart clenched painfully, I felt like I was being ripped in two.

"Is she telling the truth? Why would you keep something like that from me Bella? Were you going to take him back? Because I can't think of any other reason why you would keep that from me," he said, pulling his arm from my grasp and taking a step away from me.

"No," I sobbed. "I made a mistake. I should have told you, and I was going to the night Gianna called, but you were so angry with her and I got scared." I stepped towards him only to have him step back once more. It was like a knife had been plunged into my gut, searing pain ripped through my body.

"Don't turn this around on me Bella. In what world would you think it'd be okay to do the _exact_ same thing that pissed me off in the first place?" he asked, his hands tugging at his hair. I stared at him, because I had no answer. I fucked up and I knew it.

"That's what I thought. I have to get out of here," he said quickly, his eyes darting to the door.

"What? No," I begged. "Don't. Please. Edward, please, don't go." My entire body shook, my arms hugging my body tightly. He walked over to me, reaching up and pushing my hair back over my ear, his thumb sweeping along my temple. He looked at me, his eyes glistening before dropping his hand and shaking his head, lowering his gaze to his shoes.

"I can't do this," he said quietly, "I have to go." He turned for the door, taking wide strides across the bar. I lunged in his direction but was stopped when Maggie wrapped her arms around me, hugging me close to her body.

"Let him go Bella," she whispered in my ear, "let him calm down." I felt my knees buckle as Maggie pulled me to the back table in the corner where Edward and I had been moments earlier. "I'm sorry I wasn't here, I was in the cooler, I had no idea," she said pushing the hair from my eyes. She turned her back to me, stepping away from the table.

"I understand you're hurt and upset. But I swear to fucking God if you don't vanish from my line of vision in the next five seconds, I'm going to fuck that pretty little face of yours up so badly your own mother won't recognize you." Maggie's voice was clear, the threat unmistakable. I glanced at Katie who was staring at Maggie wide eyed. I noticed someone tugging on her arm and realized for the first time that Charlotte was standing beside her, her face apologetic. It didn't matter, nothing fucking mattered. They both scurried out the door without so much as a second glance.

"Come on, let's get you home," Maggie said, gently wrapping her arms around my shoulder. I shook my head, a sob tearing from my throat.

Home? Home just walked out the door.

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><p><strong>AN**

**Thanks to Tara for betaing and Julie and Nat for pre reading. Meg told me that since she read it, but didn't have to make any changes I shouldn't say she made it lovely, so instead I'll say this- she's the best in the west with a nice chest. ;) ALSO TOMORROW IS HER BIRTHDAY! So if you follow her on twitter or are reading The Shadow That Remains, which is awesome btw, be sure to wish her happy birthday!**

**One last thing, and I know this is rotten timing, but the update may be late next week. I'm have Lasik next Wed and the whole not being able to see thing may hinder my ability to write. But I do have 1/2 of the next one done, so maybe not, just a heads up.**


	19. Chapter 19

**Disclaimer: I don't own it.**

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><p><strong>Chapter Nineteen<strong>

"_Hi, you've reached Edward..._"

I pressed the end key and gripped my phone tightly. I'd called and texted Edward incessantly the past two days, but still hadn't heard back from him. Maggie said to give him time, she said to let things cool down, but all I could think was every second that passed he was slipping a little bit further away from me.

"Knock, knock," Maggie called, sticking her head in the door.

"Come on in," I sighed, shifting on the bed so that she could come sit with me.

"Anything?" she asked.

"No."

"Has the hospital called again?" Maggie coaxed gently. I rolled my phone between my hands as I thought about the last few phone calls I'd received from the hospital. It seemed that Garrett still had me listed as one of his emergency contacts so they'd called regarding insurance and other medical inquiries when they were unable to reach his parents.

I had spoken to them once, asking to be removed from his contact list, but was informed there were papers I'd need to fill out in order for that to take place. I'd even gone so far as to call his parents, but they were either avoiding me or the situation altogether. Either way I knew what I needed to do.

"I have to go there," I whispered. My stomach filled with dread as I remembered the last time I'd visited Garrett in the hospital. He'd been so frail, helpless, desperate. And when he'd promised it'd be the last time, I'd believed him. When he'd promised things would go back to the way they'd been before, I was elated. And I took him back with a foolish heart and open arms.

But things were different this time. _I _was different this time. I had started rebuilding my life on a stronger foundation, one that started with me as the base and not someone else. And along the way I'd been lucky enough to have people like Maggie to step in and stand by me, to help lighten my burden. And...I didn't have Edward before.

Edward, who had seen me at my worst. Who had witnessed me at my lowest and still stood by me, fought to have a place in my life, fought for my heart. And I'd fucked it up. I'd let old insecurities and past experiences make me weak and needy and so much like that same foolish girl I'd been with Garrett.

But I wasn't that girl anymore. I was still me, the one who loved music, writing, singing, and movies. The girl that was still self-conscious and reserved when sober, yet daring and wild when drunk. But I was stronger, more determined, and I had finally figured out I wanted more out of life; I _deserved_more out of life. Now it was up to me to fix it.

It'd been two days since I'd heard from Edward, and I wasn't going to let any more time pass. I had things that needed to be said, that needed to be explained. But to do so I had to close one more door, for the very last time.

I jumped from the bed, pulling a sweatshirt over my head and slipping my boots onto my feet. Maggie looked up, startled by my sudden movement.

"You're going now?" she asked, looking out the window where an icy mix of rain and snow fell heavily.

"No time like the present, right?" I choked, my body taut with nerves, anticipation and dread fighting a war within me.

"Are you sure?" Maggie asked, a smile on her face, tears shimmering in her eyes.

"I am," I answered honestly. She jumped from the bed, her arms wrapping around me and hugging me tightly.

"I am _so_ fucking proud of you," she ground through clenched teeth, her arms squeezing me impossibly tighter.

"Thank you," I gasped, holding her tight. "I wouldn't be here without you, you have done so much for me. I just, I love you Mags," I finished, tears spilling down my cheeks.

"Bullshit," she sniffled, "You would have figured this shit out sooner or later. Now get the fuck outta here and do what you know needs to be done." She laughed and smacked me on the ass. I shook my head at her; she knew how much I owed her, but, like always, she wouldn't take an ounce of credit for anything.

"Love you, whore," I hiccuped through my tears.

"Love you too, bitch." She grinned. I made my way out of the apartment and into the freezing rain, already soaking wet before I could flag down a cab. The entire way there all I could do was think about what I needed to say. All the things that I'd left unsaid so many times, things that would be said tonight and then put away forever.

I jumped from the cab, rain and sleet pelting me as I ran for the entrance of the hospital. By the time the double doors had slid open, my hair and clothes were drenched, water seeping through my hair, shirt, and jeans, my boots slurping against the clean tile floors.

I pushed open the door to room 213. The sterile, white walls were cold, unfriendly, uninviting. I swept my wet, tangled hair away from my face before wiping my hands against the rough denim of my jeans that clung to my legs.

Garrett laid in the bed, a thin blue bedspread pulled up over his chest, his arms exposed. Bandages wound around his forearms and the bend at his elbow, angry purple and red bruises peeking out at the edges. A needle pierced the top of his hand and a plastic tube connected him to an IV bag hanging near his head. A constant _drip, drip, drip_ pooled then flowed into his body.

I stepped closer to the bed, my hand raising to his forehead where blond matted hair lay limp across his forehead. I brushed his hair back, smoothing it against his scalp as tears began to leak from my eyes and drip onto the the fabric of the bedspread with a soft plop. Tubes ran under his nose, one down his throat. The ventilator a steady rhythm weaving in time with the pulsing beep of the heart monitor machine. _Suck, beep, wheeze; suck, beep, wheeze_. The florescent lighting buzzed in my ears as the television created a backdrop of white noise.

"Oh, Garrett," I whispered. His eyes were ringed with deep purple shadows, his skin a sickly grey color that had become all too familiar. I reached behind me and pulled a chair across the floor, sitting down slowly.

"How many times?" I asked, pulling his hand in mine. "How many more times are you going to cheat death before it claims you?" I took a deep breath. I wasn't sure if he could hear me, but there was a chance that he wouldn't wake up this time and I had things that needed to be said while I still could.

"Do you remember the first time you held my hand? The first time we kissed? The first time we said I love you? The first time we made love?" I whispered, my throat pinched, my chest tightening.

"Because I do. I remember everything, and it was wonderful. You made me so happy, and I loved you so goddamn much it hurt," I choked out, my teeth digging painfully into my lip. "But I also remember the first time you told me I wasn't pretty anymore, and the first time you looked at me with disgust instead of love, and the first time of many that you tore me apart from the inside out because _you_ needed to feel superior to _me_. Better than me. And I let you. I have no one but myself to blame for that, because I let you." I pulled in a stuttering breath, swiping away tears with the back of my hand.

"I was so lost, so broken. And I made so many horrible decisions that some days it hurts to look at myself in the mirror. Then I met someone; someone who thought I was beautiful and treated me like I was someone special, something precious. And he was gentle and patient, never pushing, just perfect. And I let you ruin that with my insecurities. My fault. My mistake." I pulled my hand away from his, winding my fingers through my hair, resting my elbows on my knees.

"I'm in love with him," I breathed, overcome with a tidal wave of emotions begging for an outlet. "It's real and powerful and terrifying and absolutely amazing," I said, a smile pulling at the corners of my mouth as Edward's face flashed in my mind; happy, smiling. My smiled slipped, an ache blooming in my chest as I remembered the last time I'd seen his face, his angry words playing on repeat in my head, his eyes so sad, hurt.

"You have to let me go, Garrett. What we had, what we shared, the good and the bad, it's done. Over. I hope you find whatever it is in your life that you're missing, that you give yourself a chance to heal, but I can't be in your life." I stood from the chair and leaned over the side of the bed, softly kissing his forehead before stepping back.

"I'm going to find Edward and I'm going to beg for his forgiveness. And if by some miracle he gives it to me, I won't ever make the same mistake again. I hope that you can do the same, and if not..." I trailed off, grasping the cold metal handle and tugging the door open. "If not, then I hope you've made peace, because I don't see you surviving again. Bye, G."

I turned to walk down the hall and out of the hospital. The doors slid shut behind me, creating a barrier between Garrett, my past, and my future. Now I just needed to find Edward, tell him that I loved him, convince him that the only future I wanted was with him, and pray he'd forgive me.

I ran from the hospital, bypassing the cabs that lined the curb, my only thought getting to Edward, seeing his face, telling him all of the emotions that were swirling inside of me. His apartment was seven blocks from the hospital, and by the time I'd made it to the second level of his building my lips were blue and my entire body was shaking. But I had a purpose, I had a mission, and I would not leave until he knew I was in love with him.

I pounded on his door, my motions jerky and uneven, the cold making my body stiff. After the third loud knock, which I was sure would bring the neighbors to their doors, I heard the creak of the knob, the twist of the metal, the moan of the wooden door.

"Bella?" His voice called, saturated with disbelief.

"Edward, please. Please," I begged, for everything and nothing at the same time. He reached out and grabbed me, his arms encircling me, his embrace stifling.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for everything," I cried. There was no shame in my words. This man deserved every bit of humility I had.

"Bella, what are you...come inside," he insisted, pulling me into his apartment. "Jesus, you're freezing," he said, roughly rubbing his hands up and down my arms. He pulled away from me and I clutched onto his sleeve, refusing to let him move away.

"I'm just going to grab you a towel," he said softly, his fingers brushing against my cheek. He pulled away from me and disappeared down the hall, the warmth of the apartment making my muscles ache as feeling slowly worked its way through my body.

"Here," he said, handing me a towel and some clothes. "The pants are Heidi's, so they should fit okay. Go, change, we'll talk after."

I grabbed the things from his hands and silently made my way down the hall and into the bathroom. I peeled off my sopping wet clothes, my jeans and sweater smacking against the tiled floor. Realizing that my bra and panties were just as wet as the rest of my clothes, I pulled them off as well, balling them up and shoving them into my jeans.

I wrung the water from my hair before pulling on an oversized sweatshirt and Heidi's lounge pants. I looked at myself in the mirror, feeling somewhat foolish for my mad dash to his apartment, but no less determined. I drew in a breath and turned away from the mirror, gathering my clothes and flinging them over the shower bar before leaving the bathroom and walking back down the hall towards the living room.

I caught sight of Edward on the couch, his body hunched over, his hands yanking at his hair as his elbows rested on his knees. I cleared my throat softly causing his head to jerk up, his eyes meeting mine as he slowly rose from the couch. For the first time I took in his appearance, his clothes wrinkled, dark circles shadowed under his eyes, his posture drooped, tired.

"Hi," I whispered.

"Hi."

"I fucked up," I blurted out. I sighed in frustration, rapidly tapping my thumb to the pads of my fingers. "Can we...can we talk?" I started again, unnerved by the way that he stood silently, staring at me.

"Yeah, uh, do you need anything?" he stuttered, shifting his weight.

"Just you," I answered honestly. He sucked in a sharp breath and nodded for me to come over to the couch. I walked over and sat down with him, drawing my knees into my chest.

"I tried calling you," I mumbled, my nerves eating through my stomach. He huffed out a laugh, shaking his head.

"My phone came to an unfortunate end a couple of days ago," he divulged slowly.

"Oh?"

"It seems that it cannot withstand a crash test against a brick wall," he admitted begrudgingly. I smiled slightly, comforted in knowing he hadn't been reading all of my texts and just deleting them.

"Edward-" I started.

"What you did was wrong, Bella," he interrupted. "You knew everything that happened with Giana yet you chose to keep things from me, things you knew I'd expect you to tell me." I nodded my head, tears pooling in my eyes. "But I was wrong too," he muttered, "I overreacted. I should have never walked out on you the way I did. I was just...so angry with you," he gritted, his voice hard.

"Do you have any idea how I feel about you?" he hissed. "How just the thought of you going back to him, of not being with you-" He broke off, rising to his feet. I mimicked his movements, grabbing his arm and turning his body towards mine when he began to pace away from me.

"Yes. I do," I assured him forcefully.

"What?"

"I do know. Edward, I don't want Garrett. I don't want anyone who isn't you. And I know I kept things from you, and I have no one to blame for that except myself. But it was never because I considered going back to Garrett. It was because I was terrified that it would push you away; that my baggage would finally be too heavy for you to carry. I didn't want to lose you," I confessed.

"Bella, after everything, how could you think that?" he questioned. I took a deep breath and decided to say what I came to say, to lay all of my cards on the table and hope to come away with my heart intact.

"Because I'm insecure and afraid. Because I don't think I'd ever be the same again if I lost you with the feeling that I have."

"And how do you feel?" he asked, his voice low, his eyes searching mine.

"I'm in love with you." I smiled, my hand tightening on his arm.

"What?" he whispered, his eyes wide.

"I love you," I stated again.

"Are you sure? Are you one hundred percent sure? Because I can't...I need you to be sure," he urged.

"I'm so fucking sure." The next moment his lips were on mine, his arms snaking around my waist and pressing our bodies so tightly together it almost hurt.

"God, took you long enough," he chuckled, his lips moving to my neck, his hands pushing the fabric of my shirt up as he ran his hand up the length of my back. He pulled away, his arms unwinding, his hands cupping my cheeks. "I love you, too," he said seriously, his eyes so intense it nearly took my breath away. He leaned in again, his lips feathering against my cheek to my ear, his teeth biting softy on my lobe. "I want you," he said roughly.

"Then have me," I offered.

He began walking forward, guiding me as I tried to walk backwards. Our lips sought skin, my hands working the front of his jeans as one of his hands slid between us, cupping my breast. We stumbled into his bedroom door, the force of our bodies causing it to slam against the wall. The backs of my legs connected with the edge of the bed, my body bending back, hovering over the bed. Edward's left arm tightened around me, suspending me in midair.

We stayed that way, kissing and groping one another, our mouths harshly colliding, desperate and needy. Then slowly our kisses became softer, our hands caressing, exploring, learning one another. He pulled me upright, his fingers sliding to the bottom of my shirt and slipping underneath. His eyes bore into mine as he wordlessly moved his hands up my body, gathering the fabric of my shirt and tugging it over my head. As soon as I was free from the confines of the sleeves, his head dipped down, his mouth closing over my nipple, teeth scraping and tugging gently. I moaned, my hands fisting his hair, his breath coming out in short bursts across my skin, causing it to break into goosebumps as he pulled away slightly.

He slid his arm around me, hoisting my body to his and pushing me back as he crawled forward, pulling my body along with his until we were stretched out across the bed. He gently released me as his other arm reached over his shoulder and grabbed the back of his shirt, snatching it over his head. The moment he was free from his shirt his body flattened against mine, our skin coming together at our abdomens and rolling together until our noses were touching.

"I've thought about this moment so many times," he remarked quietly, his fingers brushing through the hair at my temple. "You're sure?" I nodded my head, my nails scraping lightly up his back, his forehead dropping to my shoulder as his lips pressed softly against the skin above my breast.

He pulled away, sitting back on his heels. His eyes burned every inch of my body as they roamed over me. His hands slid up my calves to my thighs, his thumbs pressing into my hips as his fingers curled around the waist of my pants. Slowly he peeled them down my legs and tossed them to the floor, leaving me naked and vulnerable in front of him.

His hands made the same route once more, only this time against bare skin. He leaned forward, tugging at my leg under the knee until my foot was flat against the bed, his lips pressing to the inside of my knee. I felt my muscles clench from the feel of his lips on me. His breath fanned the sensitive area causing my stomach to tighten, my inner muscles quivering with anticipation.

My vision faded and brightened, the steady thrum of my pulse hammering in my ears. I felt like I was about to explode, the need to have his body joined with mine, the need for friction between my legs almost driving me mad. His free hand slid up my other leg, his fingers urging my legs to part as his thumb pressed into my clit, causing me to stiffen. He slid one finger into me, then another, moving slowly at first, his thumb pressing and circling as his fingers began to move more quickly, his tongue trailing up my inner thigh.

"Jesus," I choked out as his fingers curled inside of me, his thumb sweeping just the right way across my clit. My hands fisted the sheets at my sides, my back bowing from the bed as my head pressed into the pillows, my mouth open in a silent scream. Bursts of white light exploded, waved, and flickered before slowly fading from behind my lids. The stiffness of my back relaxed and the clenching of my muscles slowed. I became aware of Edward's mouth kissing my navel, his hands now sliding up the bed, finding mine and threading them together.

I lifted my leg, my foot sliding into the space between him and his jeans that were hanging loosely from being unfastened earlier. I pushed my leg down, dragging his jeans and boxers down his legs until he finally was able to kick out of them and we were both completely naked, our bodies pressed into one another.

He reached into the drawer beside the bed and pulled out a condom, rolling it on. My eyes moved over his body, taking in the hard lines of his abdomen, the deep v at his waist, the way his muscles twitched as he hovered over me.

He slowly lowered his body, his lips pressing softly to mine as he twined our fingers together once more and brought them to either side of my head. And then he was pushing inside of me and my heart seemed to stop as the world slowed and all I could do was stare into the vivid green eyes that held me locked in their gaze.

He stilled for a moment before moving smoothly against me, his hands gripping mine tightly as my legs wound around him and locked at my ankles. The tilt of my hips causing him to push deeper, his low groan of approval vibrating against my neck. He thrust into me, pushing his hips upward so that every pass tightened the muscles in my stomach. My eyes rolled back as he moved faster, each push demanding my body to respond, until heat began to creep from my feet and hands. It traveled like fire through my limbs, rushing like an electric current until all of the forces collided at my center and set my body ablaze.

"Edward," I moaned as he grunted above me, slamming into once more, his body jerking as he came. He stilled above me, both of us panting, exhausted, sated, perfect.

"I love you," he whispered, kissing me.

"I love you, too." I kissed him back. He rolled off me, discarding the condom before pulling me tightly against his body. His lips pressed to my shoulder as we both drifted off to sleep, my body relaxed, my mind at peace, my heart finally at home.

* * *

><p><strong>AN**

**Can I get a hell yeah for finally being on the same damn page? Yup, yup! Thank you Meg, Tara, and Julie for all you do, I couldn't do it without you. And thanks for all the well wishes with the Lasik, it's AMAZING! **

**Maggie has been nominated for best other character for the Sunflower awards, voting is open through 2/19 if you want to give her a nod. The website is thesunflowerawards(dot)blogspot(dot)com**

**Thanks for reading!**


	20. Chapter 20

**Disclaimer: I don't own it.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Twenty<strong>

**EPOV**

_Six months later..._

"No, no, no, not there!" Maggie shrieked, waving her arms out in front of her. I grunted, picking up the box labeled 'living room' and turned to see where exactly it was supposed to go.

"It goes in the kitchen." She pointed down the hall dismissively, her attention back on the box in front of her.

"Yes, of course," I drawled, "Because I label _all_ of my kitchen boxes 'living room'." I took off down the hall and dumped the box on the kitchen table. I had no idea what in the hell was in there, but I wouldn't be surprised if it was a mini fridge.

I heard a giggle behind me and spun around. Bella was leaning against the door frame, a wide smile on her face. She was so fucking beautiful when she smiled. Especially that smile, my smile, the one that never seemed to leave her face these days.

"Oh, you think it's funny, do you?" I sneered playfully. She looked around the room blankly.

"Who, me?" She feigned innocence, her eyes wide with mock surprise. I narrowed mine, a smirk pulling at the corner of my mouth as I took a step in her direction. Her jaw snapped shut, her eyes glinting as real surprise took over her features.

"Yes, you," I taunted lowly, moving across the kitchen until I was directly in front of her, my chest brushing against hers. I reached for her chin, tugging her face up as I dipped my head, touching my lips to hers. I slid my fingers around to cradle the back of her neck, my other arm winding around her waist, pulling her flush against me.

She sighed against my lips, her arms reaching around me until her fingers were locked together and pressing between my shoulder blades. I nipped her bottom lip before molding my lips to hers again, my tongue softly stroking hers. The way it felt when I kissed her was like nothing I'd ever experienced before, it was like we were made to kiss only each other, forever. And I loved kissing her, loved touching her, loved _her_.

"At least they have their clothes on this time," Maggie joked, causing us to jerk apart. Alec laughed, wrapping his arms around Maggie from behind before leaning down and kissing the side of her neck, both of them grinning at us.

Bella let her head fall forward against my chest as her hands fisted the front of my shirt. I wrapped my arms around her and propped my chin on the top of her head, peering at Alec and Maggie.

"Hey Alec," I smirked, "Have you noticed these counter tops are about the same height as the ones at Maggie's old apartment?" He shook his head, his grin widening as Bella shook with laughter against my chest. Maggie's eyes were shooting daggers at me, but the smile she was fighting let me know she was about to lose it.

"Yup, almost exactly. I thought that would've been the first thing you guys noticed, since you've been so fond of them in the past," I quipped. I'd never forget the day I found out first hand just how fond they were of counter tops. Which is another reason why all of us were more than a little excited about the new living arrangements. Well, mostly excited.

Maggie rolled her eyes and huffed, but her pink cheeks and wide smile ruined her attempt at appearing upset.

"You know, the sooner you get the rest of those boxes out of the truck the sooner Alec and I will be able to test that out. Now, chop chop." She clapped, then reached forward and grabbed Bella by the elbow, tugging her away from me.

"C'mon, you're with me," Maggie insisted with a smirk, her brow lifted. "You two can't be trusted alone."

I laughed when Bella looked at me, her bottom lip poking out pathetically as Maggie drug her down the hall.

"So, when are you two gonna quit beating around the bush and take the next step?" Alec asked, stepping to the fridge and pulling out two beers.

I smiled and shrugged. "I would move in with her today if she wanted. Hell, I'd probably marry her today if she agreed," I added, laughing when Alec choked on his beer.

"Marriage?" he sputtered, his face turning red.

"Hey man, you're moving in with your girl, do you not realize things are heading in that direction?" The look on his face said he had not considered that scenario. I shook my head.

"So, Bella's still being stubborn," he answered instead, avoiding my question.

"She just, she needs this for herself, ya know?" I answered, thinking about all the changes we'd experienced over the part six months. She'd come so far and we were better than I could ever have imagined. She still had moments of doubt, where old insecurities flared, but she was better at handling them now, better at moving past them.

"I get that. And her new job certainly didn't hurt with the financial situation either."

"No joke," I laughed, downing my beer and following Alec out to the moving truck. Apparently, Maggie and Alec had decided to move in together about a month ago, but Maggie didn't want to abandon Bella with all the extra expenses of losing a roommate.

Fortunately, Bella getting a cold and being unable to sing one night at the bar turned into a steady gig for her. When open mic night started and the crowd realized Bella wasn't there, the place almost emptied out. So the owners decided to give her a weekly gig to play, and pay her for it. The extra money would cover Maggie's part of the bills.

As soon as Bella told them about the new job they announced they were moving in together and started packing the following weekend. I was worried about how Bella would take the change, but I shouldn't have. My girl's strong, and she took it all in stride. I hinted she could move in with me, and by hinted I mean I'd asked her everyday for the past month. But she wanted to stand on her own for a while, and I respected that. That didn't mean I wasn't a little disappointed I wouldn't be able to wake up with her every morning instead of just most mornings.

After a few more hours we'd finally emptied the truck and were promptly told thanks, and to get the hell out.

"Well, that wasn't rude at all." Bella laughed as we made our way to her apartment.

"Well, it depends on how you look at it. They could've tested out those counter tops while we were still there."

Bella shuddered dramatically, laughing. I threw my arm over her shoulders and kissed the top of her head as we walked down the sidewalk, her hand tucked in my back pocket. It was these small things, the unintentional acts of intimacy, that made it glaringly obvious to me that I'd found the person I was going to grow old with. And I was so fucking lucky.

We wordlessly walked the rest of the way to her apartment, content to just be after a day of working our asses off. She grabbed the mail from her box, thumbing though the letters as we hit the landing of her floor. She groaned and l looked down, seeing Garrett's messy scrawl strewn across the front of an envelope.

"You know," I said casually, walking through the door, "Maybe you should just read one, see what it is that he finds so important to tell you."

She shook her head, throwing the letter in the trash. Just like she'd done with all of the letters he'd sent the last four months. He'd been in the hospital for weeks and the doctors were ready to write him off when one day, he just woke up. No fanfare, no fuss.

"It doesn't matter." She sighed. "I've said all I needed to say, and I'm done with that chapter of my life."

"You realize that he was in a coma and probably doesn't even know you were there," I pointed out, but to be honest was perfectly fucking fine with her refusal to read his letters.

She'd run into one of her old friends, Charlotte, a few months back. She was apparently with Katie that night at the bar, but I don't remember seeing her. I don't remember much about that night, and I tried to think about it as little as possible.

Charlotte told her that Garrett was back living with his parents and he'd spent thirty days in rehab after he was released from the hospital, but last she'd heard he'd already relapsed once. Bella just shook her head, told Charlotte it wasn't her problem, and walked away.

Later that night lying in bed she told me about her run it with Charlotte, hesitant, but honest. I pulled her to me and kissed her, letting her know without words, that I was there, that I'd always be there for her.

"Pizza for dinner?" she asked, bringing me back to the present.

"Double pep?" I grinned.

"You're going to die from all the fat you eat."

"No, I'm not. I'm a man. We can eat anything." I smacked my palm against my stomach for emphasis.

"Then maybe we should order from that Indian place down the street again..." she trailed off, looking up at the ceiling and around the rest of the room, avoiding my gaze.

I knew what she was doing, the little smart ass. Let's just say my cast iron stomach stops at Indian food. The first and only time we'd eaten there, we crossed a line of familiarity that usually doesn't happen until marriage.

"Pizza is fine," I shot back quickly, narrowing my eyes as she tried and failed to hold back her laughter. The sound bounced off the walls and brightened the room. And shit, if my inability to eat Indian food made her laugh like that, then she could pick on me about it forever.

After we'd eaten dinner and made out on her couch, we stumbled into the bedroom, clothes flying and teeth knocking as we fell into bed, and into each other.

"Stay?" she whispered.

"Always." I sighed sleepily.

The next day after rushing to my apartment for an early conference call and sending dirty texts to Bella while she was in class, it was finally time to head to the bar for her new weekly set. She met me out front, tugging my hand and pulling me through the front door.

"I have a surprise for you," she sang, a shy smile on her face.

"Is that so?" I asked, my brows lifting suggestively.

"Not that kind of surprise, you perv," she scolded and smacked my arm. She scrunched her face and sunk her teeth into her bottom lip. "Well, not entirely?"

"Well, now I'm definitely intrigued." Anything that led to us being naked was always a good thing. She rolled her eyes and pushed up on the balls of her feet, planting a quick kiss on my lips.

"I'm going to set up. Go grab a table and I'll see you in a bit." She spun away from me and made a move towards the dressing room before I latched onto her arm and spun her back around to me.

"C'mere," I whispered, pulling her flush against me and kissing her. She smiled as we pulled apart, her eyes shining and happy. "Now go." I laughed, patting her ass.

I moved towards the front of the bar and found a table close to the stage. I liked to see my girl when she sang, the way she melted into her music, it was so intimate that a part of me wanted to hide her away from others, keep that image for my eyes only. But the rest of me wanted to hoist her on my shoulders and parade her around for everyone to see. I wanted everyone to know how special she was.

I settled in at my usual table and ordered a drink. Maggie was working tonight so I expected Alec to show up at some point. Heidi said she'd try and stop by tonight as well, but she'd been so busy lately she hardly had time to do anything. Well too busy for anything that wasn't work related or went by the name Felix.

I still shook my head at that one. He worked for one of the companies I was designing a site for and we were in the middle of a lunch meeting when Heidi called out of the blue and wanted to see me. I told her where I was, and when she showed up her and Felix acted like I wasn't even there. It was pretty fucking awkward if I was being honest. But I was happy for her, and Felix was a good guy, albeit a little nerdy. But I really couldn't say too much about that.

The lights flickered on and off and I settled in as Bella climbed the stairs to the stage. When she pulled the stool closer to the mic and introduced herself, cheers and cat calls rang out, causing her cheeks to pink. Her eyes darted to me, a soft smile forming on her face, my smile. I winked and chuckled when she bit her lip and ducked her head.

She started singing and I swear just like every other time I fell in love with her a little more. Each song she played crested and crashed over me, her new stuff so tender and light. A reflection of who she'd become, who she was with me, and how our relationship had strengthened her. Alec slid silently into the chair beside me, his eyes on Bella, a look of pride on his face. They had become close over the last few months, Alec having dealt with a similar situation as Bella with his brother.

"Man, she can fucking sing," he said as her song came to a close.

I nodded. There was no denying her talent. She'd even finally taught me how to play a few songs, but we both knew I was fucking terrible. That was okay though, there were plenty of other ways to waste away the day with her that still involved a wooden instrument between us. As if she'd heard my thoughts, she turned her attention towards me, a devilish grin on her face, a glint in her eye.

"Okay guys, this is the last one for tonight. This is for you, Edward," she said softly, dipping her chin slightly.

I sat up a little, curious what she was up to. I heard Alec chuckle beside me as Maggie came over and kissed him, planting herself in his lap.

"Hey, Edward."

"Shh," I scolded with a grin and waved my hand dismissively, "my girl's about to sing me a song."

She laughed and smacked my hand as Alec and I both chuckled at her. Bella strummed a few notes on the guitar, it was soft then harder, deeper notes, then back again. Almost like a pulse.

_It started with a touch, a ghost of a promise,_  
><em>of teeth and tongues, and bodies slick with sweat.<em>  
><em>And then you pressed inside and I kept my eyes open wide<em>  
><em>I wouldn't miss a moment, never a moment with you.<em>

Holy shit, what was she singing about? I cut my eyes to Maggie, her mouth was hanging open, eyes wide like saucers. I swung my head back towards Bella and she was staring at me, her eyes locked on my face. I swallowed thickly, leaning forward as the pulse of the music made sense to me now, the steady thrum of the beat mimicking intimate motions.

_No one else fits me,_  
><em>No one else ever will.<em>

_Harsh breaths escape my rigid body,_  
><em>flashes of light dance before my eyes.<em>  
><em>The heat begins to spread starting at my toes,<em>  
><em>flames lick and kiss their way up my thighs.<em>  
><em>They burn and sooth and my body subsides,<em>  
><em>pleasure no longer pushed to the side.<em>

_No one else fits me,_  
><em>No one else ever will.<em>

_My back arches towards the sky,_  
><em>I feel as though I could take off and fly.<em>  
><em>Pushing, pulling, panting,<em>  
><em>oh how the anticipation is mounting.<em>

_A twist in my gut and I know what is near_  
><em>You smile and shift,<em>  
><em>a breath, a moan and then we're gone<em>  
><em>sighing an exhale, we've both hit home.<em>

_No one else fits me,_  
><em>No one else ever will.<em>

Maggie breathed a quiet 'damn' from behind, but I was already moving. I reached the side of the stage just as Bella stepped off the last platform. I didn't speak as I reached out and wordlessly took the guitar from her hand and set it to the side.

She looked at me questioningly, her brows pulled down, teeth sunk into her lower lip. I bent my knees and wrapped my arms around her thighs before hoisting her up over my shoulder. She let out a startled yelp and a choking laugh as I turned and marched towards the dressing room, slamming the door shut behind me. I settled her on top of the vanity and moved between her legs.

"Bella, that was a very dirty thing to sing about," I chastised her, my hands slipping under her shirt and caressing her back.

"So you didn't like it?"

She was being playful, teasing. But her song had already teased me, worked me up until I was ready to explode.

"Oh, I liked it," I told her, "I would have liked it even more if you'd been singing it to me at home, naked." I kissed her then, pressing against her and letting her know exactly how much I liked it. She grinned and hooked her feet around the back of my knees, holding me to her.

"Well I think that can be arranged," she laughed and hopped down from the vanity. "Let me grab my stuff and we can get out of here."

She popped up on her toes and kissed me before trying to dart away. I swear it had become some sort of game for her to see if she could get away from me with one quick kiss. Not gonna happen.

So I did what I'd always done and pulled her back against me before she could get out the door. She giggled and pretended to try and get away, but it was all an act, the little faker. She didn't want me to let her go any more than I wanted to. I turned her to me and cradled her face in my hands, pressing my forehead to hers before kissing her again.

"Will you always be like this?" She sighed, a small smile on her face.

"Baby, I could kiss you till I'm old and all I have are lips and gums," I chuckled, kissing her again. "And it still wouldn't be enough."

"I'm going to hold you to that," she said shakily, her eyes glistening.

"I'm counting on it. I'm counting on forever with you."

And the look in her eyes told me that I would have it.

* * *

><p><strong>AN**

**SSSOOBBBSSS. That's it guys. I can't even begin to tell you how much I've enjoyed taking this journey with all of you. This story and these characters hold such special meaning to me, and I hope I did them justice. I appreciate all your kind words and tweets and recs as well. **

**Meg, Julie, and Kelly- thank you guys for pushing me to do this and for all of your support. I love y'all hard. **


	21. Chapter 21

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

**So, my dear friend Julie had a birthday recently. And when I asked her what she'd like she asked for a future take of this story. Granted her birthday was like 10 days ago...but better late than never right? Happy birthday Millicent! -_-**

* * *

><p><strong>Future Take<strong>

**BPOV**

Easing down onto the sofa, I clutched my coffee mug in my hands. I took a tentative sip of the steaming liquid, cursing under my breath when it burned my lip. I moved to put the mug on the coffee table only to realize the coasters were across the room. Setting it on the floor instead, I opened the drawer of the table and pushed around all of the junk that had managed to accumulate inside.

Spying an old coaster in the back, I plucked it from the pile. Just as I started to close the drawer, I spotted the edge of a familiar notebook peeking out. Smiling, I pulled it to my lap wondering how long it had been stashed there. I'd filled it up more than two years earlier. Flipping through the pages, my smile slipped when a folded sheet of paper fluttered from the back.

I knew immediately what it was, and my heart ached a little as I unfolded the worn piece of paper and smoothed it against the table. The lines were so deep that tiny tears had begun to form in the creases. The ink was faded and smudged, the paper bubbled in areas from fat, salty tears splashing across the surface.

It was the last thing I had of his, and even though he didn't hold my heart, didn't have my love, he had my memories, and good or bad that would never change. With a sad sigh, my eyes drifted to the words in front of me, and I let my memories of him wash over me once more.

_March 21, 2013_

_Iz,_

_I still don't understand how I let things go so wrong. How I could let the most important person in my world slip right through my fingers? Although, if I'm being honest with myself, which I rarely am these days, you didn't so much slip, you were pushed. By me. _

_I know you've moved on, and I want to say I'm happy for you, but that would be a lie. I'm not happy for you, because being happy for you would mean I'm okay with you being with someone else. I'll never be okay with that; I'm too selfish. I don't know how to move on, and I don't know how to let go; there will never be anyone for me but you. _

_Ironic isn't it? That I can say those things to you now when it's all you ever wanted to hear before. But that's the thing about hindsight. I finally finished unpacking my new apartment. One month out, and I'm still clean and sober. I know it doesn't seem like much, but it's longer than the last time._

_Mom sent all of my things from back home; I wish she wouldn't have. There are a lot of pictures of you, me, us. Where you smiled and it was real, and I was clean and we had our whole lives ahead of us. She sent my old Nintendo 64 too― Mario Cart was still inside the console―I threw it in the dumpster after I smashed it against the wall. I can't handle being reminded of those times._

_When I open those old boxes, I swear I can smell your lotion sometimes. Or maybe it's my subconscious' way of punishing me; it's no less than I deserve. _

I wiped away the tear that had escaped the corner of my eye. Pulling in a deep breath, I read the second note he'd scrawled at the bottom of the page more than two months later. The last thing that Garrett would ever write to me.

_May 31, 2013_

_Iz,_

_I'm not doing so good today. Kate stopped by; she tried to talk to me, but she doesn't understand; she'll never understand. Only you will ever truly get me. And you're gone. But I have made some progress, because I'm glad you're not here. I'm glad you can't see me like this. I really hope that guy you're with loves you the way you deserve, the way I couldn't._

Three weeks later Garrett was found dead in his apartment, the needle still protruding from his arm leaving no question as to his cause of death. His parents had found the letter and thought I might want it. I refused at first, not wanting to read his final words, terrified of the effect they might have on me. But Edward thought I would regret not taking it in the long run. And he promised to be there for whatever I needed. He would always be there. He'd proved that time and time again in the three years since Garrett's death.

"You're going to be late," Edward murmured against my ear before placing a soft kiss on my neck.

I looked over my shoulder and laughed. His glasses had slipped down his nose from leaning over the back of the couch, and his smile was exaggerated and silly.

"What are you up to?" I narrowed my eyes and tried to look threatening, but something about my expression must have given me away because his smile slipped and his expression became one of concern.

"You okay?" He pushed off the couch and came around to sit beside me. His eyes found the paper on the table, a look of understanding slackening his shoulders and smoothing the lines from his face.

"Yeah. I just―I found it, and it kinda took me off guard."

"It's coming up isn't it? The anniversary?"

He didn't have to specify which anniversary, we both knew.

"It is." I reached for the paper, folding it back up and dropping it into the book.

"You sure you're okay?"

I smiled and reached for his hand, pulling it between mine and squeezing. "I really am." I let out a breath and looked at the clock, realizing I wasn't due at the school for almost an hour.

"Hey, are you trying to get rid of me or something? I don't have to be at work for an hour."

"Of course not." He grinned, trying to appear innocent. He failed.

"You, Sir, are a terrible liar." I leaned forward and pinched his side causing him to let out a girly giggle as he jumped back and grabbed for my hand.

"You really shouldn't have done that."

Before I could move an inch, he pounced. In one swift move he pinned me to the couch, his body covering mine. His hands shackled my wrists and held them by my side as he brought his face to mine, our noses brushing.

I pushed my legs apart so he could settle between my thighs and wrapped them around his hips. "I'm sorry, but I fail to see any reason why I shouldn't have done that if this is my punishment."

He rolled his eyes, a playful grin on his face as he tipped his chin and brought his lips to mine. My eyes fell shut, and like every time he kissed me, my stomach fluttered with butterflies. I tugged my hands free and pushed them into the soft hair at the nape of his neck as he slid his around my waist and pulled me closer.

"I love you," I whispered, sliding my hands down his back and hugging him.

"Yeah." He breathed, pressing two more quick kisses to my lips before pulling back a bit. He stared down, his glasses slipping as his expression turned serious. "I love you too, but I really need you to bounce."

My mouth dropped open in shock, and I dug my heels into his ass. "What the hell?"

He nodded. "I'm not kidding. Not even a little bit. Don't fight me on this, woman. I need to handle some bidness."

I laughed and smacked his back. "Bidness?"

He hardened his face and lowered his voice, the deep tone causing his chest to vibrate against mine. "Yeah, bidness."

"Okay, you've either lost your mind, or you have a split personality where your alter ego is Eazy E, gangsta Edward."

He chuckled and pushed off the couch, grabbing my hand and pulling me with him. "Don't test that theory; I've got mad rapping skills."

I lifted my brow and grinned. "You're such a dork."

"One of my many charms." His sigh was dramatic, his expression one of exasperation. "It's hard to keep up with them all."

"Did you dig your bong out of the attic?"

"Is that where you hid it?" He laughed, looking up the stairs toward the attic access.

"Well, if you aren't high, then I'm gonna have to call your parents and ask for a full family history of mental illnesses."

"Didn't Heidi give you every single, minute detail of my life in one of y'all's 'lets drink two pitchers of margaritas and giggle like fourteen year olds until we pass out' girls' nights?"

I smacked his chest. "You're awfully cocky today. Maybe I shouldn't do that thing I did last night again. It's obviously affected your brain activity."

He growled playfully and pulled me into his arms. "Don't tease me, woman. It's not nice." He leaned forward and nipped at my neck causing tingles to run up my spine and a moan to slip past my lips. He groaned in response and flexed his arms around me before letting them fall and stepping back.

"What?" I asked dragging my tongue over my bottom lip, my eyes dropping to his pants.

"No." He stepped back and put his arms out in front of him.

I grinned and stepped forward. "Where are you going, baby?"

"Bella, I swear to all that's holy, you're trying to kill me."

"Edward," I scolded, unable to keep the smile off my face. "You know I'm doing no such thing."

"You have to go. You can't be here. And you're...you're doing that," he waved his hand aimlessly in the air at me, his face flushed, "thing."

"Thing?"

"That thing, with your voice, and your eyes, and―"

I reached for the front of my jeans and popped open the button.

"Oh, for fucks sake." He groaned, squeezing his eyes shut. "Please button your pants and go to work."

I laughed and fastened my pants, realizing I really was making it hard on him. He was obviously up to something, and I didn't want to ruin it for him, whatever it was. "Fine."

He peeked an eye open and let out a harsh breath through his nose. "So, I'll see you later."

My eyes widened as I realized he wasn't moving. His shoulders were rigid and his fists were balled at his sides. "What in the hell is going on with you?" I couldn't help but laugh because he was being so weird.

"I'm trying not to attack you. You're making it very difficult."

"You're insane."

"And I can see your nipples through your shirt."

"Edward!" I choked, looking down to see if he was telling the truth. He was.

"Just...I'll see you at the bar at six. And grab a sweater."

I rolled my eyes and walked over to him, pressing my lips to his before backing away. "Bye, you crazy man. I love you."

"Hu huh. I love you too. Now get."

After leaving Edward to his weirdness, I headed to the college I'd graduated from a couple of years ago. When word had gotten out about my music, the school had contacted me about an opening in their music department. I really didn't know what I could contribute, but I was more than happy for the opportunity at a steady job that didn't involve the night shift and handsy drunks.

As luck would have it, they needed a music teacher, and that...that I could do. I'd never really had any solid plans about what exactly I wanted to do with my life. Until I met Edward, everything had just been one disaster after another. But teaching music suited me. I didn't believe for one second I'd be able to do any other type of teaching, but music was my passion. To be able to pass along that skill and knowledge to others was one of the best things I could do with my life.

I still played at the bar every week, and it remained my favorite way to express myself. Maggie and Edward had pestered me relentlessly to record some songs, and after putting up a weak fight, I finally rented a studio and recorded a few songs for a CD. It had made a bit of money; people who came to see me play at the bar every week had bought some. And a couple of the local music stores kept them in stock as well. But it didn't matter that I wasn't making wads of cash, and I really hadn't done anything to push it in that direction. I was happy with things the way they were.

I spent the rest of the day submerged in music lessons. My thoughts occasionally drifted to Edward and his bizarre behavior, but I just chalked it up to him being, well him. By the time I finished up with work and made my way to the bar, I'd almost forgotten about it entirely. That is, until I walked through the door.

I realized immediately that something was off. First, the place was virtually empty, which was unusual for a Thursday night, but that wasn't what caught my eye. The bar looked different. There were strands of white twinkling lights strung all around the stage and bar, and candle centerpieces adorned all of the empty tables.

I scanned the room, my eyes widening and filling with tears when I spotted Maggie leaning against the bar, her arms crossed over her now swollen belly.

"Oh my God," I yelled, running to close the distance between us as fast as possible and throwing my arms around her neck. "What are you doing here? When did you get here? Where's Alec? Oh my God, you're huge."

"Thanks a lot, bitch." She laughed, hugging me the best she could.

"Sorry." I'm sure the expression on my face showed I was anything but sorry.

"Eh, I'm freaking enormous. That's what happens when you eat a lifetime supply of Twinkies in two months." She sniffed and looked down at her hands, inspecting her nails in mock disinterest. "I regret nothing."

"Nor should you." I nodded and slid onto the stool beside her. "So how've you been, really? I've missed you."

"I've missed you, too."

Alec had been offered a job in North Carolina two years ago, and the opportunity was just too good to pass up. He'd proposed to Maggie right after she agreed to move with him, saying he wanted them to start their new lives together as husband and wife. The ceremony was small and intimate and absolutely perfect.

Seven months ago, Maggie called and gave me the good news she and Alec were expecting. I'd tried to brush off the sudden feelings of jealousy that washed over me. It wasn't like I wasn't happy. Edward and I had finally moved in together, I had a job that I loved, and a man that treated me like I was the most important thing in the world. Still, I knew that my issues, my insecurities, were holding me back from having what Maggie had, and I hated myself more than a little bit because of it.

"So are you going to tell me what you're doing here? And why you didn't bother to tell me you were coming?"

She grinned at me in a way I was familiar with. A grin that told me she had a secret, and she had no intention of sharing it with me. I narrowed my eyes and tried to make her flinch, to give some tell as to what she was hiding, but pregnancy had apparently given her quite the game face.

"You'll see." Her smirk and smug all-knowing face made me want to press for answers, but the sound of the mic being tapped on stage distracted me. It was then that several things came into focus. First, I noticed Heidi and Felix sitting toward the back of the bar, but that wasn't what had my attention. No, what had my attention was Alec on the stage adjusting the mic for Edward who was perched on a stool with my guitar in his lap.

My eyes widened as I took him in. His face was red, and his eyes were darting over the room as he fidgeted with the stool, yet he refused to make eye contact with me. Alec clapped him on the back and leaned over to whisper something in his ear. With a nod, he stepped down from the stage and crossed over to where I sat stone still.

"Hey, Bella."

"Hey, Alec," I responded, my eyes never leaving Edward.

He chuckled and hugged me briefly before sliding onto the stool on the other side of Maggie and wrapping his arm around her shoulders.

"Hi everyone," Edward said, his voice cracking, his nerves obvious.

I took a moment to look around the room. It was then I realized how many of the faces I saw around the bar were familiar. And not in the sense that I was used to seeing them at the bar as regulars, but these were people I knew. People who were friends. I saw faces from school, people who worked with Edward, and lastly both of our parents.

My heart hammered in my chest as my mouth went dry. I tried to imagine that all of these people gathering here tonight had nothing to do with me. But as I watched Edward's hands shake as he lifted it to the mic to adjust it a little lower I knew. _I knew_my life was about to change forever.

"So my girlfriend," he paused, blinking quickly and looking down, "she's amazing. She's talented and beautiful and loves with her whole heart. She's the most amazing person I've ever met. And I thank God everyday that he saved her for me."

I stared at Edward, his image blurry as fresh tears gathered in my eyes. Maggie gave my leg a light squeeze, but I if she said anything, I didn't hear her.

"I'm pretty sure I'm about to make a fool out of myself, but all things considered, it seems appropriate." Edward let out a nervous laugh which was echoed by our friends and family. He finally turned to me and smiled. I'd never seen him so nervous, and the sight somehow calmed me. "I promise I won't break your guitar."

I laughed remembering all the times I'd told him he'd do just that with his atrocious playing. "It's okay, I know where you live."

He looked around the room and shifted on the stool. "I have no idea how she does this all the time. It's terrifying."

"Quit whining!" Felix yelled from the back of the bar. Edward glared at him the same time Heidi smacked him, causing everyone to laugh.

"Maybe," Edward hesitated, looking at me once more. "Maybe this would be easier if you'd come sit closer so I can see you?"

I nodded and slid off the stool. I weaved my way to the stage, sitting at the table directly in front of Edward. "Better?"

"Not really." He cleared his throat a final time before his face transformed into a mask of concentration. He leaned forward and spoke into the mic as he strummed a few simple chords that sounded vaguely familiar. "I didn't write the music. As I'm sure all of you know, this is not my area of expertise. But the words, well, they're all mine."

The familiar chords of Iron and Wine's Such Great Heights floated into the air. My mouth fell open a little at how amazing it sounded as well as the words that started coming from Edward's lips.

_It happened late one night,_  
><em>when you blew into my life <em>  
><em>and stole my breath away <em>  
><em>and when you looked at me, I knew it then.<em>

_A girl, who didn't have a clue_  
><em>what a simple smile from her could do to me<em>  
><em>she had just gone and changed it all, you see.<em>

_And true, things did not go smooth_  
><em>we had so many things to fight against <em>  
><em>but I never doubted that you'd be worth it all.<em>

_When you felt so far away_  
><em>I almost lost all hope <em>  
><em>but then you went and opened up to me<em>  
><em>and I knew we would be.<em>

_So I ask you to be my wife, my love_  
><em>I need you, come on baby<em>  
><em>'Cause everything is perfect when I'm with you<em>  
><em>it's all I want, is to stay.<em>

_I will try my best to be _  
><em>the man that you deserve <em>  
><em>and show you that you're the most precious thing <em>  
><em>that my world's ever seen.<em>

_And I know that you will fight_  
><em>but we will be alright <em>  
><em>because you know it's only 'cause <em>  
><em>I love you more than my own life.<em>

_So I ask you to be my wife, my love_  
><em>I need you, come on baby<em>  
><em>'Cause everything is perfect when I'm with you<em>  
><em>it's all I want, is to stay.<em>

I cupped my hands over my mouth to try and quieten my sobs. My entire body shook as I watched Edward set my guitar on the floor and climb down until he was in front of me. Reaching up, he pulled my hands into his own and kneeled on the floor.

He shook his head and offered me a small smile. "I was worried you'd think it was terrible. But had I known it'd be so bad you'd be a sobbing mess, I would have stuck with the singing telegram idea."

"Shut up," I choked, pulling a hand free to wipe under my eye. "It was amazing. How did you― when did―"

"Shhh, we can talk about that later. Right now, I have a very important question I'd like you to answer. Will you, Bella? Will you let me love you for the rest of our lives?"

"Of course I will. Oh my God, there's nothing I want more in this world than to be your wife." I threw my arms around his neck and kissed him with everything I had. Catcalls and cheers erupted around us, but I couldn't be bothered to care that we were making a spectacle out of ourselves. Because the most perfect man in the world had just asked to spend the rest of his life with me, and nothing was more important than that.

When we finally broke apart, he reached down and slipped a beautiful, but simple ring onto my finger. Turning to our friends, he laughed and squeezed me close. "Well, it looks like we'll be having that engagement party after all, guys. Thank you all for coming and watching me make an ass out of myself."

I laughed along with everyone else and burrowed into his side as I clutched his shirt in my hand.

"Although, I gotta say," he continued with a sly smile. "It was worth every second of humiliation."

"You really outdid yourself," I told him once we were finally able to pull ourselves away from everyone.

"Oh yeah?" He smiled, his eyes a little glassy from the shots Alec and Felix had plied him with earlier..

"Yeah. I'd say you handled yo bidness."

He cocked his back and to the side and crossed his arms over his chest in some ridiculous pose that made us both laugh. "Damn straight I did."

"You gonna tell me how you managed to learn to play that song?"

He dropped his arms and shoved one hand in his pocket, reaching out with the other to clasp a hold of mine. "You know, learning to play wasn't nearly as hard as I first thought. It's amazing how much easier it is to pay attention when I'm not wanting to rip my instructor's clothes off."

"Is that so?" I asked, to which he nodded in response. "So you're a regular pro then?"

"Hell no." He laughed, shaking his head. "I told the old guy I wanted to learn one song and that was it. I didn't care about the notes, the chords, nothing. I wanted him to teach me where to put my hands and when."

"So how long have you been practicing?"

He ducked his head and peered at me out of the corner of his eye before mumbling, "Six months."

"You're joking!" I gasped. I didn't know what shocked me more: that it had taken him six months to learn one song, or that he'd been planning his proposal for that long.

"Not even a little. I was only joking about learning to play not being that hard. I seriously have no musical talent whatsoever. The old guy teaching me agreed with my sentiment on more than one occasion."

"Edward," I whispered, my throat tight. "How long have you been planning this?"

"A while."

"It was perfect. Everything. The song, you getting our friends and family here, all of it."

"Well, I figured since it was the way you tell me so many things you have trouble putting into words, I could return the favor."

"So we're really doing this, huh?" I looked down at the ring on my finger, unable to hold back the tears already filling my eyes again.

"Doing what?"

"This whole forever thing. Until death do us part?"

He smiled and leaned down, his lips ghosting over mine as he spoke. "I've been living my forever since the first time I saw you. You were always going to be my until death do us part. This just makes it official."

"Take me home?" I asked, my heart hammering in my chest as the reality set in that he would always be my home.

"Yeah, baby. Home sounds just about perfect."

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><p><strong>AN**

**Big thanks to Perry Maxwell for betaing and ModernSafari1 for pre-reading!**

**Hope you guys enjoyed this little peek into their lives!**


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